Posted on

Ten Things I Learned from “Toddlers & Tiaras”

That's not creepy at all.

Sadly, I have finished every available episode of Toddlers and Tiaras on Netflix. {Sad face.}  I must confess, I loved every. single. minute.  I can’t wait until the next season is available on Netflix!

I wasn’t just entertained by T&T, I was educated.  And because I love you, my dear readers, so very much, I am going to share with you, the top ten gems of knowledge I gleaned from three heart-stopping seasons of Toddlers & Tiaras.  Here goes!

1) If your daughter’s name is Kayleigh (many, many spellings), Kylee, or anything that rhymes with those two names, she will do well in pageants. Keep that in mind, pregos of the world.

2) People who like to put their daughters in pageants also like to give their daughters crazy-a$$ names like “Cealy” and “Salee” (pronounced See-lee and Say-lee). (These two girls were of course BEST FRIENDS, also.) Listen people, if “Cealy” or “Salee” was not your mother’s maiden name, or your maiden name, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS NAMING YOUR KID THAT. It’s just ridiculous. Quit making up names!  (I’m talking to you, mother of Sparkal Queenz.)

3) Many three-year-old “divas” will scream and cry when you glue fake eyelashes onto them and pierce their scalps with hairpins. WEIRD!!  Also, they don’t like getting their eyebrows plucked.  Wusses.

4) Pageant moms are either a) crazy b) their child’s slaves or c) living vicariously through their daughters.  Although I am not sure why they would want to wear a short, 70-pound dress covered in heavy stones with six petticoats, a weave, fake eyelashes, and fake teeth, but…THEY DO.

5) If you let your four-year-old throw screaming fits during her sessions with her pageant coach and use a pacifier, she will NOT do well in pageants.  But, she will still be your princess.  And, her failure to succeed will always be the judges fault.

6) If you dress your daughter like a slutty pop star for the talent competition, she will do well.  Even if she is a two-year-old in a Madonna-esque cone bra bustier.  Yay for YOU!

7) Spray tanning a dancing four-year-old is “challenging”.

8 ) When a pageant mom sees her five-year-old onstage dressed up like a twenty-five-year-old (in a short dress), she will cry. Because apparently that’s touching?

9) Every pageant mom thinks her daughter stands out in a crowd because of her “personality”. Every. Last. One.  Also, their personalities all SHINE when they’re onstage. SHINE, I tell you!

10) All the judges are looking for the “total package”.  What is the total package?  It’s like, the total package. DUH.

 

Share the wealth! What have YOU learned from watching all those pageant princesses?

Post to Twitter

Posted on

Find something real to worry about.

As I perused MSNBC this morning, it was clear to me that Jenny is not the only one getting worked up about things with little or no consequence.

Evidently things are going along SO SWIMMINGLY in our country that real actual news sources – not just Perez – have nothing better to do than report on utterly meaningless controversies.

For example.

Here’s what’s making headline news in our country today.

Crawling helmets: Have over-protective parents finally gone too far?

I have no words for this. Actually, I have a lot of (four letter) words for this based on the fact that my husband and I deal with kids ages 14-22 on a daily basis, but for the sake of our livelihoods I will refrain.

Bat on a plane! Rabies scare prompts health warning
Here’s how this vitally important article starts out: On an August morning last year, 53 people aboard a commercial airplane from Wisconsin were potentially exposed to the rabies virus when a bat flew through the cabin soon after takeoff, according to a government report of the incident released today.
Ok let’s review. The bat flew out of the plane before it could bite anyone AND this happened last August. Correct me if I’m wrong but if any of the 53 passengers who were in mortal danger had actually contracted rabies from the bat who didn’t bite anyone and probably wasn’t rabid in the first place, they would be long dead by now. Let me give you another quote from the article. Simply seeing a bat doesn’t put a person at risk of rabies. OH MY GOD are we seriously this stupid? UGH.

Also, in case you were worried about it, let me clear something up for you. Freeman isn’t marrying his step-granddaughter. It’s time to put the rumors to rest: Morgan Freeman isn’t planning to tie the knot with his step-granddaughter E’Dena Hines, who is 47 years his junior. I am so relieved to hear this, I had totally lost sleep over it. Actually now that I think of it, I DON’T CARE. I wouldn’t even care if Morgan Freeman was planning to marry his step-grandson, but that is a conversation for another time.

BLT potato chip and more crazy flavors. Someone clue me in on how to get a job in which I get paid to come up with life-changing concepts like Australian BBQ Kangaroo-flavored potato chips. I don’t know what a kangaroo tastes like, nor do I care to find out. The article then goes on to describe this:

Doritos Late Night All-Nighter Cheeseburger-Flavored Tortilla Chips pack all the flavors of cheese, ketchup, onions, pickles, beef, and buns into individual tortilla chips. OMG I am going to throw up. Don’t even get me started on the seaweed-flavored Pringles. I think I’d rather eat pink slime.

Let’s keep our eyes on the prize here, America. We have more important things to deal with. Like the fact that 17 million children in our country don’t know where their next meal will come from. The fact that the U.S. infant mortality rate is one of the highest among all developed countries. Or maybe that the Army diagnosed 76,176 soldiers with PTSD between 2000 and 2011. No worries, though. I’m sure they’ll be all fixed up as soon as they get a bag of Spanish Chicken Paella-flavored Lays.

I need a drink.

Post to Twitter

Posted on

I’m not a woman anymore, I’m a MOM!

Excuse me if I’m a bit ranty, but, well…I’m a bit ranty.

I keep seeing something around the blogosphere, links on Facebook and twitter, etc. that is really disturbing to me.  And no, it’s not politics, or child soldiers, or anything of any actual consequence that has me riled up.

It is the over-targeting, from a marketing standpoint, of women who have children.  It’s the heavy, ridiculous, almost comical marketing to “MOMS”.  Sure, there are many products and services (such as diapers!) that only a mom would have a need for.  But there are also many things that should be marketed to women in general that are now pointedly being marketed with ” a twist” FOR MOMS.

Because apparently, once you give birth to or adopt a child, you are no longer just a woman.  And you need to be told SPECIFICALLY what to wear, and how to wear it.  You need to be told what meals to make your family, and how to make them.  And you need to only read blog posts and articles that have the word “mom” in the title.

Let me urge you to no longer read blog posts with the word “mom” in the title unless it is a post or article about parenting.

I am tired of reading about fashion FOR MOMS, cooking FOR MOMS, products FOR MOMS.

I’m a woman.  If I read an article about how to wear the latest fashion trend, I am going to be reading about WOMEN’S FASHION, not MOM FASHION.

I recently saw a post titled something to the effect of “How to wear skinny jeans if you’re a mom”  – that is not the exact title because I don’t want to be a total jerkwad, after all this rant is completely impersonal – there are dozens if not more bloggers and writers using the word “mom” to get search engine traffic (plenty of whom I think are super-great people).  I was immediately incensed when I read the title. Because really, if you’re a mom, why would you wear skinny jeans any differently from any other woman?  If that’s the case, shouldn’t women who delivered vaginally wear their jeans differently from c-section moms? OH MY GOSH WHAT IF YOU’VE HAD BOTH TYPES OF DELIVERIES??? Then HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU KNOW HOW TO WEAR YOUR SKINNY JEANS?  Oh! Or what if you’re a mom by ADOPTION!!??  Or a STEPMOM?  Ohmagah I am hyperventilating just thinking about the crisis I would have over skinny jeans if I were a MOM OF MULTIPLES!  Or a mom with biological, adopted, AND stepkids.  That type of mom probably shouldn’t even wear clothes at all.  Too difficult!

{Are you picking up my sarcasm?  I hope so because I am laying it on pretttttty thickly.}

It’s not mom fashion, it’s fashion.  And females who have children should not have separate rules for wearing clothing.  There should be fashion difference for women of different ages, perhaps, but not rules, articles, tips, or tricks based on being a mom. The reason these articles and post exists is because the word “mom” brings in good search engine traffic.  That is the bottom line.

To give you another example of this ridiculousness, I saw another post the other day, the title of which began with “Mom Fashion:” – then the rest of the title was about the appropriateness of teen clothing for prom or something like that.  You see, the article was not about mom fashion at all.  It was about whether you should let your daughters wear slutty clothes to the school dance.  Sure, moms were the article’s intended audience, but the title was written just for search engine optimization (SEO), not to, you know, MAKE ACTUAL SENSE.

So if you see those posts, don’t click on them.  Go to a fashion website instead.

Because you are a woman.  Even if you have a child.  You are a woman.

Don’t you guys love it when I get pissed off??

Let me say in closing, that I realize this is what some feel they have to do to be successful in business, if their business is a blog or website. Perhaps this is just a game you have to play these days.  But I am 100% uninterested in participating in it as blogger or a reader of blogs. (Or a WOMAN).

As much as it pains me to say this, however, I know my opinion is not the only valid one on the subject? Anyone care to add theirs?  Just please be nice and respectful in your comments.

Post to Twitter