Emily Is Getting Old

But sadly, she will NEVER be as old as me. Nevertheless, I will try not to be bitter when I say, Happy 29th Birthday Emily!! Here’s a picture my mom dug up for me of Emily the day her parents brought her home from the hospital:

Aww, wasn’t she cute? Ok, you can’t tell too much cause it’s a REALLY OLD picture, but I am sure she was adorable. Well, Em, as you know, this is your last year of your twenties. And as a wise old one who’s gone before, I’d like to give you some advice on how to spend this last year of your youth. So here are five things I think you should do before thirty! Because except for that wild night you had with that English Bulldog, I don’t think you’ve had enough fun in your life! It’s time to quit being responsible and start getting crazy!

1) Take pole-dancing lessons. You weren’t nearly slutty enough as a young woman, so I think you should fork out a bunch of dough to have a Cougar teach you how to be!! It’s never too late to get in touch with your inner hoochie!

2) Go skydiving! Because who doesn’t want to be so scared that they pee all over themselves at 15,000 feet?

3) Take the mad skillz you got from # 1 and rock MTV’s Spring Break! Do it or you’ll regret never sleeping on the floor of a vomit-soaked hotel room with 20 other people for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!

4) Try out for American Idol. You are selling yourself, the music industry, and ALL of America short!! My fan poster will read “I HEART EM-IDOL-Y”

5) Sell your car and buy a Harley. You would look super-HAWT all clad in leather. Just don’t forget the chaps and the giant helmet! You haven’t LIVED until you’ve nearly killed yourself and every motorist nearby just showing off how loud your HOG is!

Well, there’s your to-do list, cousin. I’ll give you your birthday to relax and then I expect you to hop to it!! Times a -wastin’!! Only 365 more days until you hit the big 3-0!!