Find something real to worry about.

As I perused MSNBC this morning, it was clear to me that Jenny is not the only one getting worked up about things with little or no consequence.

Evidently things are going along SO SWIMMINGLY in our country that real actual news sources – not just Perez – have nothing better to do than report on utterly meaningless controversies.

For example.

Here’s what’s making headline news in our country today.

Crawling helmets: Have over-protective parents finally gone too far?

I have no words for this. Actually, I have a lot of (four letter) words for this based on the fact that my husband and I deal with kids ages 14-22 on a daily basis, but for the sake of our livelihoods I will refrain.

Bat on a plane! Rabies scare prompts health warning
Here’s how this vitally important article starts out: On an August morning last year, 53 people aboard a commercial airplane from Wisconsin were potentially exposed to the rabies virus when a bat flew through the cabin soon after takeoff, according to a government report of the incident released today.
Ok let’s review. The bat flew out of the plane before it could bite anyone AND this happened last August. Correct me if I’m wrong but if any of the 53 passengers who were in mortal danger had actually contracted rabies from the bat who didn’t bite anyone and probably wasn’t rabid in the first place, they would be long dead by now. Let me give you another quote from the article. Simply seeing a bat doesn’t put a person at risk of rabies. OH MY GOD are we seriously this stupid? UGH.

Also, in case you were worried about it, let me clear something up for you. Freeman isn’t marrying his step-granddaughter. It’s time to put the rumors to rest: Morgan Freeman isn’t planning to tie the knot with his step-granddaughter E’Dena Hines, who is 47 years his junior. I am so relieved to hear this, I had totally lost sleep over it. Actually now that I think of it, I DON’T CARE. I wouldn’t even care if Morgan Freeman was planning to marry his step-grandson, but that is a conversation for another time.

BLT potato chip and more crazy flavors. Someone clue me in on how to get a job in which I get paid to come up with life-changing concepts like Australian BBQ Kangaroo-flavored potato chips. I don’t know what a kangaroo tastes like, nor do I care to find out. The article then goes on to describe this:

Doritos Late Night All-Nighter Cheeseburger-Flavored Tortilla Chips pack all the flavors of cheese, ketchup, onions, pickles, beef, and buns into individual tortilla chips. OMG I am going to throw up. Don’t even get me started on the seaweed-flavored Pringles. I think I’d rather eat pink slime.

Let’s keep our eyes on the prize here, America. We have more important things to deal with. Like the fact that 17 million children in our country don’t know where their next meal will come from. The fact that the U.S. infant mortality rate is one of the highest among all developed countries. Or maybe that the Army diagnosed 76,176 soldiers with PTSD between 2000 and 2011. No worries, though. I’m sure they’ll be all fixed up as soon as they get a bag of Spanish Chicken Paella-flavored Lays.

I need a drink.

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Comments

  1. I do enjoy that posts like this are the silver lining to your crankiness. And thanks for telling me about that Toddler helmet! Do you think they’d give me one to review for Jonah??

  2. Love your blog!! It’s great to know that someone else out there is ranting about the same things as me!!! I will take a Drink with you! lol!

  3. Emily, please write a book. I would pay good money for your sarcasm.

  4. Very funny stuff!

  5. Rant away!

    UP

  6. ha,ha, thanks for sharing Emily. I’m so glad Freeman isn’t marrying his step-granddaughter!

  7. Loved your rant! All very true, but I did have to point out that cheeseburger Doritos totally rock! Hahahaha! That being said, there are most certainly more newsworthy issues in our world today! :)

  8. This cracked me up! I needed that!
    To compare, I’ve recently heard about some groundbreaking university study results – One being that people are generally happier on the weekends. DUH! The other that cracked me up was one that proved that “Teen Pregnancy Rates Decline After Age 25″. You think?!
    OMG. Thank goodness for the brilliant minds who can compile our country’s news!

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