I always knew hanging out with Emily could very possibly lead to a serious moral breakdown in my life, but dangit after 37 years of sailing through with my conscience intact, I got a little cocky.
So when Emily and her husband invited me and my husband to an all-expenses-paid evening (ok, fine we split the babysitter) at Emily’s university of employment’s family weekend entertainment – actor Aziz Ansari’s standup bit, I was all “Fish yeah! Double date with the Berry’s WOOHOOOO!!!”. Bobby and I were excited for a cousin’s night out. All I knew about Aziz is that he is on Parks & Rec which is a fun show. I didn’t google his standup routine or anything because I wanted to be surprised.
I was surprised all right. This screenshot from Emily’s Facebook should kind of let you know how the evening went:
But let me clear something up: it wasn’t Aziz’s fault. By the time he got on stage, my innocence had been shattered as Emily so accurately put it, into a million ever-loving pieces, about 8 minutes prior, during the very 2nd sentence out of the opening act comedian’s mouth.
I can’t remember his name and I am not going to look it up because I don’t want you to google him and subject yourself to his brand of debauchery. Apparently, though, he’s got a Netflix special. Which makes me reconsider my love of Netflix, but anyhoo.
Here’s what he opened with: “What is it here, Mother-Daughter Weekend? Oh, it’s Family Weekend?” (Aside, this means a couple thousand college students were sitting there WITH THEIR PARENTS. You need to know that because…) and then he said, “Well, then you’re probably not gonna like it when I start telling d**k jokes about your grandma.”
While my jaw was still on the floor, he then proceeded to tell several of those “jokes” about my grandma, he made it very clear that it was indeed my grandma, or since Emily and I were together, our grandma he was speaking about (and also, he was talking about your grandma, too, so stop looking so smug.)
Somewhere during the course of this terrible diatribe, Mr. Hilarious also mentioned that both of his parents are deaf. I shark you not, my first thought was, “Thank God his mother is deaf. I hope she doesn’t have closed captioning on her Netflix.”
By the time Aziz got onstage, I wished I had been hearing impaired for this guy’s bit. And I am sure those thousands of college students really enjoyed sitting there with their mom and dad while everyone’s new fave comedian filled them in on Grandma’s past. Yeeikes!
Aziz had his moments too, but I was already so scarred for life I barely noticed them. He had some really funny bits and was only like 20% vile, so basically he was like the Eagle Scout of the evening.
The moral of the story is: when planning Family Weekend entertainment, google the opening act.
Emily’s big defense when I accused her of contributing the the delinquency of a 37-year-old mother of three was, “Whatever. You’re the one who made me go see Austin Powers.”
You guys. This dude made Austin Powers look like Laura Ingalls Wilder.
So basically: never go anywhere with Emily. Unless she’s paying. Because it’ll probably be worth it for the blog fodder.