Welcome to Jenny’s Life Klass! I know you’ve been dying for more essential life instruction, so today, in lesson 4 we are discussing a BIGGIE: What Not to Put on Your Facebook Status.
Pay attention, people! This is important! I am going to save you from getting un-friended or unsubscribed to by people you went to junior high with. You cannot live without this information! So commit this to memory, or better yet, bookmark this post and read it immediately before you post a Facebook status. Every. Single. Time.
Here we go!
1) Do not use the acronym “LOL” in your status more than once. I’d prefer you not use it at all, but if you must, you are permitted only once and in ALL CAPS. Writing “lol” is totally stupid. Sorry, but “Lol I’m so hungover lol” just makes you sound DUMB. And also? Being hungover is no excuse for using “LOL” twice in one status!
2) Do not post motivational quotations at 3-minute intervals when you are trying to psych yourself up for something. While I am happy that you are working on overcoming a mental hurdle of some sort, I have just lost all respect for you because I am picturing you listening to Zig Ziglar on your iPod while rocking back and forth with your eyes squeezed shut repeating “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it! People LIKE me!” I’d like you a lot better if you kept the “if you believe it you can achieve it” gar-bage to yourself.
3) Do NOT brag about how much money you are making in your home-based business. If people with “regular” jobs (like Emily, for instance, or my husband – certainly not this girl!) posted photos of their paychecks or said how much money they were making, it would be deemed WHOLLY inappropriate. BECAUSE IT IS! I’m glad you’re happy, but…find another way to recruit. Or I will un-subscribe to your feed like it’s MY job.
4) Don’t get passive-aggressive with your ex. I know you’re not FB pals with them (scandal!) but someone he or she knows will read the status and tell them what it says. WHICH YOU KNOW, because that’s why you are doing it! Statuses that begin with “I don’t usually say things like this but…” shouldn’t be written! PERIOD. Work your custody issues with your baby daddy out in a less public forum.
And finally, and this one’s for Emily…
5) Don’t randomly Capitalize the words In your facebook Status lol lol lol. Random capitalization is the bane of Emily’s existence. You all are driving her c-c-c-craaazy and I need her sane! Plus, you look really, really stupid when your status reads: “Had such A Good day with The family went for a Picnic and Had some great Food.” After I read this, I’m not happy you had a good day with your family, I’m MAD that I had to read about it in a way that was so degrading to the English language.
So.
Be a good JLK student, and get your FB act together! You can do it, and if you do, I’ll totally un-hide your posts and we can all live in FB harmony for like, ever. As long as we never have to see each other in real life.
Go forth And Do better! (Lol lol lol.)
And, do not use the F-bomb, EVER!! LOL!!
UP
Brightened my morning! As always, witty & hysterical. Will seek out my former BFFs from HS on FB and make sure they know how many times I am LOL this AM 🙂
Too funny! Hopefully I haven’t broken any of the rules. Ha!
An addition to #5, Don’t Capitalize Every Single Word. Who In Their Right Mind Does That? It’s So Bloody Annoying. I’m Only Pointing It Out Here Because One Of My Facebook Friends Does This And I Can’t Be A Jerk And Call Her Out On It.
Maddening, no?
So perfectly said!
I’ve got one – don’t post a photo of the bloody empty socket every time your kid loses a tooth. It makes me want to lose my lunch. I don’t mind a smile photo (after bleeding has stopped please) to show the empty spot but a close up of the carnage is just gross.
Agreed, but let’s just add all blood/scabs/after-surgery pictures. I’m happy for you that the skin grafts are healing well, but I don’t need to *see* it for myself. I’m sorry that you scraped your toe, but posting a picture of your bloody toe is just gross. It doesn’t make me feel sorry for you, it makes me block your photos.
Agreed! I had to block people for their half-naked preggo pic updates and for surgery healing pics. Who wants to see that!?!?!
Also, if every post you put is about the drama in your life then you are OUT!
Can I just say, I’m kind of paranoid to update my status.
I love this. I was expecting all the classic Facebook no-nos, only in Jenny form, and you came up with brand new ones! Well, except for the lol thing. My husband and I talk about how people use it like it’s a TIC or something! A few months ago I confessed to him that I was using LOL more, and I didn’t seem able to stop myself. I think it’s catchy, lol.
Random capitalization is also high on my pet peeve list.
I’ve got one – Do not post news on facebook, especially bad news, until all the people close to you or involved in the situation have been informed! I have a friend who found out her grandchild was in the hospital for taking some of mommy’s medication via facebook! A grandchild she keeps almost every weekend, who she is very close to! My mother would have slapped me!
This is a good one! I have found out family issues many times through Facebook because my cousins will post it on Facebook within two seconds of finding out about it!
you always make me laugh…. thank you!
I would also like to add to this list of facebook statuses that will get you defriended and/or blocked:
1. How far dilated you are while giving birth. No one needs to know this other than your doctor and your husband/baby daddy/labor coach.
2. Your opinion on the Chik-fil-a debacle of ’12. Even if it is in line with what I believe, I don’t want to see it. You are just opening up a can of worms. This debate can’t be won. Why don’t you just bring up abortion and see how well that works for you.
3. A new biblical quote every 12 seconds, especially the ones you are clearly not following.
4. Pictures and/or descriptions of your child’s bowel movements. Jenny, I am looking at you…I will admit you have been markedly better about this.
5. Hourly status updates on just how in love you are with your current significant other. This intense love you are shouting from the top of the facebook forum..well, here’s my card. I can offer you a discount on my services when you get divorced. And speaking of, take all that shit off facebook because it can and will be used against you in the court proceedings. Just some friendly advice from your local family law attorney.
Haha I like your list too! I agree with them ALL!
1. I have preggo friends who want to tell everyone the details and I’m pretty sure more is to come. Yay.
2. Seriously, everyone is tired of hearing about Chick-Fil-A.
3. I have a friend who does this, and I try to tolerate it because it’s bible verses plus I know she’s going through a hard time in life. But like Jenny’s #2, it’s just too much. No one wants to read that many bible verses and I’m starting to think you’re doing it for show after a while.
4. Eeeeek Jenny posted pictures of her children’s bowel movements? This is gross no matter what the circumstance!
5. If you are in this stage of your relationship, you just met last week. I’m so happy you fell in love immediately and can’t wait to get married and have babies. However, I’m really over here rolling my eyes and laughing at you just waiting for you to get out of the “honeymoon” stage. Good luck!
I must defend myself, I NEVER posted a picture of poop – GROSS! I’m not a complete Neandrathal! But there was a time when Jonah was an infant when I was obsessed with his poop because it was CONSTANTLY RUINING MY LIFE (and his clothes.) So I *may* have graphically complained a bit too much on FB. And for that I express my deepest regrets. I blame it on lack of sleep and hormones!
I am totally enrolling. I love JLK. Hilarious and so true! I would like to add a ban on cryptic messages understood by no one OR that assume we’ve got the inside track on your day to day goings on.. Here are some examples.
“Some people are so . . . .”
“Finally getting excited for today . . . ”
“This offer . . . sigh.”
WHAT!?! I mean, WHAT?!?!? I would also love to add a ban on unspoken prayer requests, but that is just probably too mean.
Katrina, I second your response! I had to take a former co-worker out of my news feed because she LOVES cryptic messages. I SWEAR that she posts them as bait – so people will ask her about her life – rather than just telling everyone in the first place.
Vaguebooking. agh! Hate it.
“Bait” messages! I love it! I have relatives I won’t name here who are notorious for bait messages – usually falling into the “Poor Pitiful Me” status update category – which also drives me insane! A few recent examples:
“It really hurts me when people take advantage of me.” or “Feeling hurt by someone today.”
Which leads to a bunch of people apologizing to the poster just in case they are the offender being referred to; or people commenting about how great the person really is and how very mean other people can be.
Am I the only one who’s witnessed this bizarre kind of scenario?
Vaguebooking is high on my list. Also an abundance of poop/pee/vomit/injury posts {one here or there for comic relief is fine} drives me in nuts. I chuckled yesterday when I saw a mom {While Capitalizing The First Letter Of Every Word} post that her son had Speiling homework. If I’ve made an error in grammar, spelling, or left a word out, I HAVE to delete the post as soon as possible or at least correct it.
Here’s another one: don’t vague-book. Purposely posting vague status updates just to get someone to ask you what’s going on or if you’re okay. Drives me nuts!
Hilarious. LOVE IT.
I’m also not interested in seeing a photo of your lunch every day. Or a description of what’s on the stove for dinner. Or I had one ‘friend’ who would post every morning what song he was listening to on the train. BORING!!!
HA! I love this post!! Thanks for a great laugh 🙂
You left off people who are not even in their own profile pic OR include only one close-up body part of themselves.
And people who go on and on and on and ON about someone they lost in their life. I won’t block you for mouring your relative but telling us EVERY TIME a song makes you think of him is just too much.
I love me Someecards but people who share a dozen or so “funny things” in a row are also annoying.
Yes, I can’t stand “vaguebooking” (good term!) with statues like “Oh no, not again….” and “Why does this always happen to me…” You know these people are just fishing for everyone’s attention.
I’d also like to add my other FB pet peeve – only posting song lyrics as status updates. I don’t care what song you’re listening to.
Also, related to this – I can’t understand why husbands and wives need to share a FB account. You know, JenandLarry Jones. Are these couples not aware that FB accts are free, you’re not saving any money by sharing. And can’t ea person have this one litle thing to themselves? I’ve also seen this with email accts.
Also, also – I hate when people make up a “middle name” for themselves to prove to us all just how awesome they are: Mike Imoff thehook Andrews, Kelly Wildncrazy Smith. Get over yourselves!
So true, this definitely makes me laugh. I have quite the range of friends and what they post – scary!
Awesome. Can we get a limit on posting frequency, too? If I cannot physically keep up with everything you post, you need to take a break from FB. No?
Good point Michelle! I have one friend who does this that I LIKE to try and keep up with. But she’s the only one! Everyone else needs to slow it down. 🙂