Oh hello there! Welcome to the next installment of Jenny’s Life Klass. It’s been way too long since I’ve written one of these instructional gems, and I imagine your lives are all going to hell in a handbasket because of it. I’m SO sorry! Let me help you get back on track just in time for the holidays with this can’t-miss list of things to NOT buy your kid for Christmas. I repeat, DO NOT BUY THIS CRAP. Even if little Honest’I and Hashtag (dudes, someone named their kid HASHTAG this week!) are dyyyiinnng to have it! This is not advertorial! Maybe there’s no such thing as bad press, but I’m tryyyying here. This stuff sucks. So, let’s get started!
1) LOL Elmo – I think I’ve made it pretty clear how I feel about the over-use of the phrase “LOL”. Well here’s a prime example. My own kids love and have loved Elmo, but I’d never buy them one that looks (and probably sounds) like he’s having a constant seizure. OR TELLS JOKES. This thing tells jokes! Who wants to hear Elmo tell the same three jokes overandoverandoverandover again? Let me think about it….NO ONE! Have mercy, people. Don’t. Buy. It.
2) Bratz Bratzillaz dolls – Great news, parents! Now there’s a doll that teaches your kid that being slutty is cool, and witchcraft is cooler! It’s like the worst Halloween costume, ever – IN A DOLL! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! But don’t take my word for it! The official product description says, “Glam gets wicked with Bratzillaz. These Bratz are the only fashion dolls that help girls achieve their dreams with special witch powers, wicked glam fashions and adorable mischievous pets.”
Really? If you want your darling daughter to become Sabrina the Teenage Whoretch, buy ’em all!
3) Furby – Or as I like to call it, WTFurby?? I am going to have NIGHTMARES just from looking at this picture! For the record, parents, you should never, ever, EVER buy anything for your child that comes with these instructions: “Pet ____’s head, tickle its tummy or pull its tail and see what happens” !!?? Um, uh…the possible scenarios are giving me an anxiety attack. Don’t let the Furby EAT YOUR BABY!
4) One Direction What Makes You Beautiful Doll – Umm, isn’t the name of this doll ironic? OHMAHGAH!!! Please don’t make me explain why you should not buy this creepy, scary, creepariffic, frightening, scary McGary, icky, robot-like boy band doll for your child. Please. Just know that every time one of these dolls is sold, an African village is burned to the ground. All right, that is probably not true, BUT…bad things will happen if you welcome this thing into your home. EEEEEEEK!
5) Power Wheels Escalade – I’m not gonna lie to you, people. If you buy your 3-year-old a $500 Cadillac SUV for a “toy”, you will go straight to hell.
Allright my friends, that’s the list! Don’t worry, if you’ve screwed up and purchased any of these stinkbombs, there’s still plenty of time to return them! As a matter of fact, your homework is to return them if you’ve already bought one. And if you haven’t committed such an act of treachery, your homework is to go buy something that doesn’t suck and isn’t a colossal waste of money. Do that and you will earn an A+++! Give to a charity in your child’s name instead of buying a WTFurby?!? and you will get extra credit!
Happy shopping!
… and this is why I don’t buy my kids toys.
… and you are welcome for Hashtag.
Just to clarify, Lori, so that no one thinks YOU named your kid Hashtag: Lori is the one who TOLD me about the Hashtag tragedy. Or the Hashtagedy, if you will!
Damn, back to Walmart to return everything and start from scratch. I guess Hashtag won’t be getting that Furby after all.
Oh Kate, I like you! A LOT.
Bwahahahahaha! You are a stitch, girl. My absolute favorite part of this post (if I have to pick one) is “Whoretch.” I love made up words and I’m really hoping this one goes viral. 😉
Thanks Katrina! Let’s all use “whoretch” as much as possible to make this dream a reality!
Stop trying to make “Whoretch” happen.
Fantastic! Throw the Monster High crap in with your Bratzillaz and I think you’ve covered everything that sucks. Well done!
I could not agree more – the dolls dressed as sluts. Is there anyone who thinks its cool?
I think the Bratzilla’s come with a cell phone and a diaphragm!! Love it!
Jenny from the Blog!! You crack me up!! They also come fully vaccinated with Gardasil. Ooh, too far?
Never too far!
Wow Gardasil! Quelle horreur! Vaccinating our daughters against sexually transmitted diseases is the real travesty here!
Simmer Gina! It’s for funnies!
Those Bratz dolls have always creeped me out, long before the witchy ones. I’m getting my 5 year old his first bike and my nearly 3 year old a 3 wheeler. They’ll also get some fun books, like Red Ranger Came Calling.
Nice! As long as it’s not an Escalade or a Hummer I think you’re good!
It’s a Schwinn, pretty classic. So what would say are some GOOD gifts for kids this Christmas?
Jenny, does it count if I found out my mother-in-law is giving my oldest daughter a Furby? It really may actually eat her baby sister!!!
Seriously, I threw up in my mouth a little when I found out she had actually PAID MONEY for one of those creepy things and that it was for MY KID! Hoping it will be one of those toys that stays at Grandmother’s house…
I have no words. WTFurby. This post is ah-mazing.
All I can say is: I’m glad my daughters are 21 and 17 and I don’t have to shop for toys for them anymore!
just hopped over from life rearranged and i couldn’t agree more. this is the best do not buy list ever. oh, and last christmas we did give all of our son’s gifts to a charity so i guess we really do earn an A+++. i should clarify that his birthday is close to christmas so we had everyone bring a gift to donate to a local mission thats collects gifts for children at christmas… later in the evening his grandparents gave him a much needed bigger bike so that made up for the lack of *junk* earlier! he was okay with it!
Thanks for coming by Sandi! Hope you’ll bookmark us! My son’s birthday is December 17th. He’s only two now so it’s not a big deal, but I am going to remember your idea for the future!
Come one Jenny, you know if they would of had a Nick Lachey doll (action figure) back in the day you would of had one.