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Jenny’s Life Klass: How to avoid giving your child a stupid name

Welcome to Jenny’s Life Klass #5: How to avoid giving your child a stupid name! I am so glad you are still here along for the ride with me. You might want to put on your thick skin for this one, however.  If you haven’t been offended by any of my no-nonsense Life Klass lessons before this one, well…congrats.  I hope today is not the day I touch a nerve. Because you see, I am actually a very nice person.  And I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  But a quick trip through my children’s yearbooks from the last couple of years has taught me one thing: Some of you are naming your children unforgivable stupid things.

I  want to help, America! feel it is my duty to try and slow this down a bit.  Because one day, fellow parents?  If we are lucky, our children will have the assertiveness to put his or her name on a job application. And if that name is STUPID? Your child could immediately be out of the running for that position.  I know this because I used to hire people.  And if I couldn’t say the name on the resume without laughing my butt off?  I didn’t make the call.  So, listen up mom and dad! If you care about your little darling’s future, you need to follow these three rules to avoid giving your baby a stupid, life-ruining name.  And remember! If you’ve already done this, you can always go to court and change the kid’s name. It’s never too late to do the right thing. So lean in close to the screen and take notes, people. Your decision to follow or eschew these rules is vital to your child’s success in life.

1) Apostrophes should NOT be used in first names.  Apostrophes are to show possession or be used in contractions.  If your child’s name is a contraction IT IS STUPID.  Sorry, but it’s true.  Maybe it’s a cute name when you pronounce it, but spelled out? It’s dumb as a doornail.  So don’t do it.  Sorry, pedigreed-ladies, this goes for “family names” too.  If your mother’s maiden named was O’Hara and you want to name your kid that, PUT THAT NAME IN THE MIDDLE. Apostrophes are okay in middle names if it is a family name and not a made-up contraction.  Sorry, I don’t make up the rules (oh wait YES I DO) I just enforce them! I know that’s a major bummer because you wanted to name your twins Court’nee and Can’dee but TOO BAD.

2) Do not take a “regular” word, be it noun, verb, adverb, or adjective, and turn it into a name. Do. Not. Do. It. If you are thinking about committing this tragedy, let me tell you about a little girl in Sophie’s preschool class  named “Honesty”.  Except it was spelled Honest’I.  WHICH ALSO VIOLATES RULE TWO.  And the capital I?  I should make another rule for that.  Poor Honest’I was a total cutie with an unfortunate name.  Because honesty is a character quality, not a name.  And I don’t know what the heck Honest’I is but it is not cute. The girl was darling, but she had both an unfortunate name and transient parents who only had her in the school for two months (start on Halloween, gone by Christmas break!)  so I fear for her future. If I were her I’d at least start spelling my name “Honesty” before it’s time to start filling out resumes and job applications. Sigh.  So if you are thinking of naming your kid after a trait or virtue, just don’t.  It’s kinda pretentious, and NO PRESSURE on little Excellence (but better than X’cellence) and Virtue, geez.

3) The third and final rule in this holy trinity is specifically for parents of boys.  Future girly mamas, you can breathe a sigh of relief, I’m not going to kill any more of your naming dreams. I have noticed, once again, leafing through my kids’ yearbooks, that there is a trend in naming boys things that end with the “In” sound. For example, Aiden, Jayden, Caden, Braden.  These are all perfectly great names.  UNLESS YOU SPELL THEM WRONG.  Hear me out people: because this is important.  “Jayden” is a boy’s name (or a girl’s, heck, that’s fine!), but “Jaydann” is a GIRL’S name.  If you end your child’s name in “ann” you had better be naming a girl.  Do not ruin the “in” names by spelling them “ann”.  If that baby has a winkie, please, please, please, don’t give him a name fit for a vajayjay. PLEASE. I shouldn’t even have to tell you what the social consequences of an error in judgment such as that one will be!

Three simple rules, my fair klassmates.  You can follow them, I know you can!  And remember, don’t shoot the messenger. I’m not trying to rain on your creativity, I’m just trying to help your kid have a bright, taunt-free future.  Where he or she can get a JOB.  You are welcome! Now go forth and serve and don’t name your kids dumb things.  And also, don’t be mad at me.

Kisses!

 

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78 Replies to “Jenny’s Life Klass: How to avoid giving your child a stupid name”

  3. I am on the bus to the Magic Kingsdom laughing til I cry. I am illiciting v interesting looks! I should start passing out Mommin it up business cards.

  4. This is hilarious yet so true…sadly. People need to stop trying to make up names for their kids.

  5. Amen, sister. Preach on. I went to elementary school with a little girl named Latrina, and I have often wondered if she grew up to be gainfully employed, or if she is, in fact, a prostitute. And you KNOW we all used to know someone with a relative named Trinity . . .

  6. Haha…Jenny be funny!!

    I have noticed all of these trends happen most frequently in lower-income neighborhoods. I can say that with authority because I used to teach in one, and all of your offenses were committed so frequently it was embarrassing. (I think a lot of these things happened because the parents had their babies before they knew how to spell properly. Again–speaking from experience, because when I taught in said school, I was 25, and I had a whole lot of 3rd grader moms who were younger than me)

    I also found that the names usually ran contrary to the child’s actual behavior. So if you want your child to be a little devil, name her “Christianity”. Or if you want to have the slowest-moving child on the planet, name her “Patience”. Or if you want her to have a baby before she graduates high school, name her “Chastity”. (all examples of former students who betrayed their namesakes.)

    In teaching, I have also had names ruined for me by students. I will NEVER name my child Austin or Bradley, because they will end up in the principal’s office at least once a week.

    I do think there are a couple of exceptions to your noun rule, though. i know lots of beautiful, sweet girls named “Hope” and “Grace”. But it’s probably because their moms didn’t spell them “H’ohpe” or “Graysse”.

    1. I must say Faith, Hope, and Grace are all excluded from the rule. Those have been “traditional” names for hundreds of years! And they aren’t dumb.

    1. Oh now there there Loricita! Faith, Hope, and Grace are all excluded as they have been “traditional” names for freaking ever and are very pretty.

  10. I have to shout out AMEN to Rule #1! I used to work in HR and part of my job was enrolling newborns on heath insurance. I once had a person come in to add a baby and the first name had not one, but two, yes two, apostrophes in the first name! The person got a little aggravated with me because I had to ask several times how to spell it. First, it was a name I wasn’t familiar with. Second, two apostrophes were just throwing me for a loop.

    Thank you for the laugh this morning!

      1. We all know that the only word in the English language with two apostrophes is the possessive form of the southern second person plural: Y’all’s. i.e. “Is that’s y’all’s house over there?”

  12. Excellent lessons again as usual! I’d like to also add 1) no place names – I’m looking at you Brooklynn and Cheyenne and Camden. 2) no seasons 3) no punctuation marks (similar to your rule above) 4) no precious gems – Amber, Crystal 5) no Zs or Xs anywhere in the name

    1. Man Shaina you are strict! I actually like Brooklynn and Cheyenne, I know some cool girls named that. And I like Autumn. I’m down w/ the Z and X rule in most cases. I think Amber and Crystal or ok but when you start hitting Diamond and Sapphire it gets a little cray-cray.

      1. What??? No X or Z???? So Max, Alexandra? Those aren’t real names????

        Funny post though – agree with most of these!

        1. I was thinking names that START w/ those letters…Xander and Zoe are ok, but I think *most* other names that begin with those letters are made up. Just my opinion. It’s not one of the hard & fast “THREE RULES” though.

          1. my kids are Elizabeth and Xander and our horse is named Zoe so there really aren’t any letters that can’t be used properly….just sayin 😉

      2. We adopted our kids. my son’s given name was Zayden. We adopted him when he was 2 and had to change his name to keep him safe from his father (long story). We tried all the -den names but they did not fit him. So we decided to go with Isaiah but to keep his name given name with him we decided to spell it Izayah. and for the transition we called him Zay and Zayah. I love his name and the way we made it fit him.

        1. Melanie I have a friend from college whose son is named Isaiah and they call him Zay. Very cute! Sounds like you guys did a great job finding your son the perfect name.

  13. I have always been happy that I have a normal name. Paul David, after St. Paul and King David. Daddy was looking out for me.

    My favorite ‘made-UP’ name is La-a, pronounced Ladasha…yes, she was a student of mine.

    UP

  14. I’m a physician and once a lady brought her daughter in who was named Chlamydia. I kid you not. I didn’t have the heart to even broach the subject.

    1. It’s a sad day when I have to add “Do not name your child after an STD” as rule #4. I’m looking at you, Herpes’ mom.

  15. I went to college with a guy who’s name was Beyond Joy. And yes, he grew up on a commune. And Colin totally wanted to name Molly Honesty, but I put the kibosh on that.

  16. Your dad just reminded me that this topic is mentioned in the book Freakanomics. The author mentioned the same thing in regard to Human Resources Officers. He cited the name Orangejello, pronounced Or-ang-ello. Your dad recently had students named Heavenly and Precious. Sort of cute for infants but not so much later on.

  18. And how about checking the spelling of a word first? I worked with a girl that had a daughter named Angle. Or course she pronounced it like “angel” but seriously didn’t seem to know the difference between a geometry term and a heavenly being.

    BTW – When I first read the title of this post I thought it must be inspired by your love of Toddlers and Tiaras. Funny enough, there are a lot of children on that show that have names breaking all your rules!

  19. I admit to laughing at this post, but it also struck me as as a bit classist and racist coming from a middle-class white person. Not that I believe you treat someone differently because of their race/class, but it exposes one of those hidden ways that people cast judgement. Just something to think about. It is funny – I will never forget a cashier named Passionette – but just something to be careful about, I think. Sorry to be Debbie Downer.

    1. Well, I am glad you laughed, because it’s meant to be funny, as are all my JLK posts (even the first one, which was also serious.) But I believe regardless of race or class, people should not give their kids stupid names. And, this “middle-class white person” lives in a house on a street in a neighborhood that most middle-class white people in our area would consider completely white trash. So I’m not exactly puttin’ on airs over here. I AM casting judgment – on people who give their kids DUMB NAMES. You can give your poor kid a decent name regardless of class or race.

    2. Just wanted to chime in here, too. There are a lot of beautiful, ethnic names that I love (for instance, I think LaToya is one of the most beautiful names ever). They can transcend race and class. However, naming your kid something that shows ignorance of basic language understanding, or a name just to make a statement about yourself is just silly.

  20. What about the name, Cool? Definitely has a ring to it!
    “Hi, this is my son, Cool.”
    That one doesn’t quite fit into any of the categories mentioned above?! You know I only have a few more months to go so i am desperately trying to narrow it down. Maybe “Dash”…oh, I don’t know, what do you think? Lol

  21. I didn’t mean to offend, just to raise the question of what it means when we (and I include myself) find these kinds of names silly. Are they really just dumb names or does it expose more of a bias in our thinking?

  22. This was AWESOME!

    Andy once worked with someone named Diamond. She named her baby girl “Sparkle.”

  23. @Sarah – maybe there is a progression of names that Diamond is planning.

    I knew a girl named Spring, that had a daughter named Summer…wonder if Summer will have a girl.

    Thanks for the laugh Jenny!

  24. Very funny Jenny. We actually had this discussion at work today. One of our part timers drives a school bus and there is a La-a on it this year. It gave us a chance to remember not just Orangejello but her twin sister Lemonjelllo. One of the women has a child whose classmate is named Noteveragain because it was such a difficult delivery. Talk about guilt trips. She could have put a positive spin on it by using Oneandonly. You have made me nervous though since Jason and Kristyn won’t share Bubba’s name till he’s born but promise we will be surprised.

    Can’t wait for the next lesson.

  25. Hey! I work at Dr. P’s office and you would not BELIEVE some of the things that people name their kids! Couldn’t agree with you more on every single rule! These aren’t names, people!!! BTW, I think this is your funniest JLK post ever! Keep ’em comin’!!!

    PS – You shouldn’t use SPICES as names either! For example…Cynamyn…Pepper…Basil…I swear I know people with these names!!!

    1. I worked for a while with a Cinnamon (she’d be in her 30s by now) and I loved her name…and that she spelled it properly (or her parents did). She didn’t nickname it either, went with the whole thing. Basil I like but then it is a well established name (St Basil is a popular Saint etc).

      I worked in a call centre for awhile and I used to collect weird names. Weirdest I ever ran into was Xhaddow (pronounced Shadow).

  27. How about Placenta? My favorite is pronounced Shh-thee-ad spelled Sh*thead! (Race was not a common denominator.)

  28. My mom worked in obstetrics, and she noted on more than one occasion that some moms (who couldn’t really read) saw the beautiful name Female on the birth certificate and decided that would be so pretty. (Feh-MAL-ee).

    Very funny post; I would have liked it to go on for about 3 more ‘rules’.

    I also hope you have a JLK in a couple of months on appropriate outdoor Christmas decorations. I have a fairly rigid canon that I feel people should conform to!

  29. I’d like to add one more. Don’t give your child a name that could have potential ramifications when they are married.

    For example, we went to school with a girl named Anita…MANN. Oh yeah. She needed a man alright and she found one. Her new husband gave her the awesome name of Anita…(wait for it)…COX.

    2. Love the rules!

      My mother’s divorce attorney was Lika Mann. My banker used to be Bodey Woodsorrell (why, yes, his parents were hippies. Their swammi told them to use that name). And a dear friend of my mother has a grandson named Connell Angus.

      In response to another commenter, I personally like a lot of names that have Z in them. But they are all fairly traditional names.

      As for character traits, I’m into genealogy, and I once came across a family in a family tree (Mass. Puritans), who named a child Silence. She was the last of 13. Number 12 was Mercy. I think that name was probably plea on the parents’ part!

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  31. I’m a retired teacher so I have seen a few interesting names. Don’t name your child a traditional name but spell it differently and then get mad a people who spell it traditionally. Also picture your child as an adult using the name you plan to use. A grandmother named Precious or Kailey is just weird.

    1. I completely agree with this one. And I have a kid with a traditional name spelled differently. I always preferred Elisabeth with an s. But my husband thought the “sa” looked weird. So we ended up with Elisebeth. And my mom tried to dissuade me from it with “She’ll always have to spell her name out for everyone.” My response was “My maiden name was Debra Rose. Debra spelled the shortest, easiest way possible. And Rose, 4 letters, the name of a flower. And I have had to spell both of those names for almost everyone I come across. She’s gonna have to spell her name for everyone no matter what I name her.”

      That said, there are family members that still (at 5 years old) give her gifts for Elizabeth. And do I care? No. Not really. I shouldn’t penalize other people for my own eccentricity. The world is just lucky that my hubby has already shot down Veronika and Rebekkah as future girl names (though I still think Veronika Faith would be a great name).

  32. My mom used to work in a bakery. Every year they did a birthday cake for sweet little Diarresha.

    I used to work in a daycare and we had a kid named Chase who seemed determined to live up to his name by making all of us run after him constantly. Suffice it to say, I did NOT name either of my sons Chase. BLEURGH.

    Also, if you ever want to be amazed by names, look into what the Puritans named their kids. Some crazy stuff right there.

  33. How about naming your boy Count? Or your girl Princess? Maybe they’ll get special treatment when they call hotels, restaurants, etc. saying, “Hello, this is Count So&So; I’d like a reservation…” ha 🙂 How about the name Joy? My hubby totally agrees with your rule #2 and includes Joy in that, much to my disappointment. I think it’d be a nice complimentary middle name!

    1. I like Joy! I know a sweet baby Joy. Along with Faith, Hope, and Grace, it is old-school and is a REAL name…not someone trying to make a non-name into a name.

  35. I personally like my name is pronounced Xith’illiaiumn but is spelled John 😉 love the post Jenny and I totally agree with the rules.

  38. MY mom is an L&D nurse..there are tons of freaks out there naming their children dumb names and it definitely crosses class and race lines. She had a patient whose mother had to work hard to convince her dad for one more baby. He agreed on the condition he could pick the name. As the fertility treatments were very costly he decided to name their miracle daughter Million Dollar Baby. For REAL!!! I’d at least go by Millie, but she went by Million. To her credit she named her baby something very “normal”…I think Emma.
    Back to the class thing though, I’d have to agree it seems the folks with super made up spellings tend to be undereducated. It’s really hard not to pass judgement on the folks who haven’t ever bothered to get their GED but name their kids things that scream ignorance. I.E. my friend’s 19 year old high school drop out daughter who has no idea who dad is chose Jaykob…granny had to post 3 times before getting the spelling right. UGH

  39. Did you see in the news about a year or so ago about the family that had their children taking away from them because of their names. The little boy’s name was Adolf Hitler, I forget want the little girls name was though.

  40. One of my friends teaches Kindergarten & she got a student this year who’s name is Million Dollar Holiday (first-middle-last). I am SO SURPRISED to read that there is another “Million Dollar” out there. crazy time we live in!

  41. I used to have this amazing book that listed common baby names from recent back to the 1600’s in North America. Here are some really great “old-fashioned” names for you:

    Fly Fornication
    Silence
    Verity
    Sin Deny
    Unity
    Salvation

    Seems that naming your kid something whack-job is a time-honored tradition here in the states!
    Cute post. 🙂 Though I’ve always been under the assumption that the Lemonjelllo/Female/etc was an urban legend of sorts.

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  43. One of our neighbor kids is named what I thought was Sean or Shawn. I was corrected after we invited him to a birthday party that it is spelled “Shun.” Poor guy.

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  45. Ha, I love this post and wish I had the guts to send it to my boyfriends son. They’ve just announced they’re going to name their son Airin (as in Aaron!) What the heck is that? Dumb, dumb, dumb! I actully work with a guy named Thank God. Yes that’s his real first name, but he likes to be called Shawn. LOL

    1. Natalie, your comment made my night! THANK GOD?? Umm…I would be saying “no thank you” just like Shawn did!! And I must agree with you on the “Airin” thing! C’mon people!

  46. It will have Elizabeth , Catherine , Mary , Alexandra , and possibly Diana ; no stupid names this time around.

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