How to screw up your child: a primer

Many moons ago, when Emily and I were somewhere that required us to be in a hotel room together (what conference was that, Em?), I discovered a little show on the hotel cable called Toddlers and Tiaras.  Now we don’t have cable here in the Rapson house, so even though I was trainwreck-enthralled with the one or two episodes that I saw, I wasn’t able to follow up on my fascination.

UNTIL NOW! Because ladies and gentleUPs, Toddler and Tiaras is now on Netflix!

And I am again transfixed.

But not by the toddlers or their tiaras.

BY THE MOMS. I don’t want to overgeneralize, but I would say about 80% of these ladies scare the living crap out of me.  They are either a) delusional b) overwhelmingly controlling c) nucking futs crazy or d) all of the above

Here are some special quotes from some of the featured pageant moms that really drive the crazy home:

From a mom of two girls who do pageants, ages 2 and 5, talking about how each pageant dress can cost two to three thousand dollars, “I don’t know what I wouldn’t pay to have them do what they want to do.”

Lady, I hope your home foreclosure went real well.

Here’s another beauty (pun intended):  “Some people might think that it’s crazy to shave a seven-year-old’s legs, but it helps her spray tan stay on better.”

My bad. When you put it that way, it’s perfectly reasonable.

From a mom of two boys, ages 23 months and 3 1/2 years (yes, boys can be in pageants!): “When I see little girls, I always think, ‘I can turn my little boys into little girls.  They can be the little girls that I don’t have.'”

WHAT!?!?!?  Please Jesus, let’s hope she saw herself on video and immediately checked into a counseling center.  And the boys too.

From the mom of a seven-year-old: “I prefer her tanned.”

Well then maybe you should have married a darker man, lady. Because white + white = WHITE.

And here’s a couple they ALL say:

“HI my name is “_____” and  my daughter “_________” knows how to stand out in a crowd.”


“When ______ gets up on stage her personality just shines!”

Barf barf barf.  Her personality probably shines just about everywhere.

And here’s one of my favorite quotes from a 10-year-old pageant pro: “I like to do pageants because you get to be perfect.  I LOVE being perfect.”

Oh, that’s not sad. Not sad at all.

Do your daughter a favor: don’t put fake hair, fake skin color, fake teeth, and adult makeup on her, don’t spend thousands of dollars on dresses and spray tans and fake nails and coaches, just don’t!  No matter how much “she” wants you to.

Or, do.  And let it be filmed for a reality show.  Because I. will. watch!

I know TLC probably just chooses the craziest to showcase, and that most pageant parents are just nice, normal moms like me. (heh.) Oh wait, I KNOW NO SUCH THING.  But if showcasing the craziest cases was your M.O., TLC, then well done!


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  1. Reality TV, ugh!

    This is just too sick. Look at the audiences on that show, it’s only the Moms and Dads, no one else cares!

    and it’s very, very sad.


    • gentleUPs! Love it!

      And I am glad that I watched this show with my daughter because she got to see how A) “beauty” pageants really suck and B) I’m not such a bad mom after all.

  2. I saw something on Anderson Cooper’s website about a month ago. It was sickening. I actually wrote a post on it and never posted it. I just couldn’t. He had a picture of a girl from this show standing next a motorcycle in a leather outfit that barely covered anything. She looked like nothing more that a $2 h%$ker. I was disgusted. The kids are paraded around for their parents and for adults to LUST after and it makes me sick. Isn’t our job as parents to protect our kids and NOT TO SCAR THEM FOR LIFE? This is a fine example of BAD PARENTING.

  3. THAT was pretty funny for reals. I want to see an episode of T&T with you doing pop-up comments….like the old VH1 pop-up videos…that would be the best.


  1. […] And much less traumatizing than when Jenny and Sophie play Toddlers and Tiaras. […]

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