Many moons ago, when Emily and I were somewhere that required us to be in a hotel room together (what conference was that, Em?), I discovered a little show on the hotel cable called Toddlers and Tiaras. Now we don’t have cable here in the Rapson house, so even though I was trainwreck-enthralled with the one or two episodes that I saw, I wasn’t able to follow up on my fascination.
UNTIL NOW! Because ladies and gentleUPs, Toddler and Tiaras is now on Netflix!
And I am again transfixed.
But not by the toddlers or their tiaras.
BY THE MOMS. I don’t want to overgeneralize, but I would say about 80% of these ladies scare the living crap out of me. They are either a) delusional b) overwhelmingly controlling c) nucking futs crazy or d) all of the above
Here are some special quotes from some of the featured pageant moms that really drive the crazy home:
From a mom of two girls who do pageants, ages 2 and 5, talking about how each pageant dress can cost two to three thousand dollars, “I don’t know what I wouldn’t pay to have them do what they want to do.”
Lady, I hope your home foreclosure went real well.
Here’s another beauty (pun intended): “Some people might think that it’s crazy to shave a seven-year-old’s legs, but it helps her spray tan stay on better.”
My bad. When you put it that way, it’s perfectly reasonable.
From a mom of two boys, ages 23 months and 3 1/2 years (yes, boys can be in pageants!): “When I see little girls, I always think, ‘I can turn my little boys into little girls. They can be the little girls that I don’t have.'”
WHAT!?!?!? Please Jesus, let’s hope she saw herself on video and immediately checked into a counseling center. And the boys too.
From the mom of a seven-year-old: “I prefer her tanned.”
Well then maybe you should have married a darker man, lady. Because white + white = WHITE.
And here’s a couple they ALL say:
“HI my name is “_____” and my daughter “_________” knows how to stand out in a crowd.”
“When ______ gets up on stage her personality just shines!”
Barf barf barf. Her personality probably shines just about everywhere.
And here’s one of my favorite quotes from a 10-year-old pageant pro: “I like to do pageants because you get to be perfect. I LOVE being perfect.”
Oh, that’s not sad. Not sad at all.
Do your daughter a favor: don’t put fake hair, fake skin color, fake teeth, and adult makeup on her, don’t spend thousands of dollars on dresses and spray tans and fake nails and coaches, just don’t! No matter how much “she” wants you to.
Or, do. And let it be filmed for a reality show. Because I. will. watch!
I know TLC probably just chooses the craziest to showcase, and that most pageant parents are just nice, normal moms like me. (heh.) Oh wait, I KNOW NO SUCH THING. But if showcasing the craziest cases was your M.O., TLC, then well done!