Last week on vacation Bobby and I had an EPIC double-parental fail: we left Joshua’s BAG at home. We realized as soon as we arrived at my parent’s house and unloaded the van – there was no bag for poor Joshua! The kid had only his Nintendo DS and the clothes on his back. Although I had packed his bag, I had failed to set it by the door with the other bags, and Bobby had then failed to make sure we had one bag per family member. Thus, the double-parental fail.
Our penalty for this giant fail? A trip to the Lexington, Virginia, Walm@rt. That’s what everyone wants to do after a 7-hour road trip with three kids!
I am spelling “Walm@rt” like this so they don’t SUE me. Because I HATE Walm@rt. I regularly admonish and scold my friends who go there for any reason. Blecch. Yes, I AM too good for Walm@rt. I am so high-falutin’ that I go to TARGET! That’s right! Me so fancy.
The problem is, where my parents live, Walm@rt is the only option for all the stuff an 8-year-old needs to take on vacation. They have Kroger and Food Lion for groceries, CVS for medicines and toiletries, but nowhere to buy clothes and underwear except Walm@rt.
So. Bobby and Jenny went to Walm@rt.
And here, my friends, is what we found.
I know we were supposed to be looking for new clothes for Joshua, but I couldn’t resist these pants:
Then, I saw this nice family shopping for guns together. Because the family that hunts together…kills things. Together. (Just ask my hairy brother and his sons!)
Next, we saw a Walm@rt employee hard at work cleaning up a spill…
by squirting cleaner on the floor and pushing a rag around with his foot. (You can just SEE me rolling my eyes, can’t you?”
Also, that lady whose head is visible as she walks by him? Was about 50 years old and had on a paper-think tank top and NO BRA. I couldn’t photobomb her because I would never traumatize anyone by perpetuating that image. And it was BAAAAAADDD.
After finding Joshua three outfits and some underwear, goggles for swimming and a few food items we needed, we headed to the checkout. We tried to get the cheapest stuff possible, but we still ended up spending EIGHTY BUCKS!
Low prices my @$$!! ROLL THIS BACK, Walm@rt!!
Ergh. At least we were able to finally make it out to the parking lot. Something interesting about the parking lot of this particular Walm@rt is that you walk out the door and smack into an amazing view of the Blue Ridge Mountains. I mean, it’s just gorgeous. So, if you walk backwards into Walm@rt, you can hold off the pain a little bit longer. However, when we exited the Walm@rt, our breathtaking view was assaulted by this:
You can only imagine what kind of music was blaring from that monstrosity. As usual, the Walm@rt parking lot is a showplace for class and decorum!
Bobby and I let out sighs of relief and superiority when we were finally able to climb back into our minivan and head back up the Walm@rt-less mountain to my parents’ house again. After discovering that the basketball shorts we bought Joshua were listed as “dazzle shorts” (really? DAZZLE SHORTS, Walm@rt??? I just bought my 8-year-old son DAZZLE SHORTS?) on the receipt, I’m pretty glad we won’t have to go back until we make another epic parental fail next year (it’s bound to happen!)
I’m sitting here at work trying not to fall off my chair while laughing hysterically! I was so excited several years ago when Walm@rt opened on my side of town and now I avoid it as much as possible for the exact reasons you listed in your blog post! To their benefit, I do shop there most of the time for toiletries as they are somewhat cheaper than other places but I may have to make a special trip there to get some of the “I’m a DIVA” sweatpants (just kidding)!
Let’s give in to the DIVA pants! Our butts can be twinsies!
No Target to be found? Oh, that’s tragic!
The closest Target is about an hour away. Deplorable!
I have been to this actual Walm@rt many times (my daughter goes to college in Lexington) and it’s one of my “favorites.” Glad you got to enjoy.
Lucky you Kevin! We have a bond. I love Lexington, just not the Walm@rt!
Im about an hour from Lexington and there are 3 Walmarts here. Not the biggest fan either. The furthest one away is most tolerable. Closest at least still has fabric but it’s by the mall and you need side vision blockers to get through there not angry or scarred.
Target is right there too near mall and I hate the crowd. Since baby coupon time is rare and I can’t look as much. I alway spend too much anyway at stores with too much in one place! Target is now a grocery store here too. Not sure if that’s good or bad! Lol
I moved here from a smaller town. Walmart was great when late at night and empty. Other than that about like the scenes u described.
Glad you found humor in the trip! They have a people of Walmart site that’s scary!
This year, when I make my annual trek to my favorite KENTUCKY Walm@art, I am going to photo bomb everyone while the girls and I play COUNT THE BUTTCRACKS. And I will text EACH AND EVERY crack your way.
I know you are excited!
Woohoo! Cannot wait!
I play that game everywhere, but since my last scolding I refrain from photobombing!
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love it! i do not care for walm@rt either.
My fav Walm@rt parking lot experience was seeing an abandoned car up on blocks…that’s right, no tires, nada, nowhere to be found…less than 10 spaces from the door. That’s high-klass.
I did not hit the like button on the Walm@rt page!
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Hilarious!
Colin refers to Walmart as the anti-Disney: it’s the unhappiest place on earth!