The battle against my hormones, or the ones I’ve been putting in my body anyway, is raging on. It’s the last week of my cycle, (you know what THAT means) so I’m not taking them anymore. And based on the past couple of horrible days I’ve had, and your kind comments on my earlier post, I’m not going to take them anymore.
Because the afternoons, oh, the afternoons are killing me.
I’ll start out a day okay, make it through lunch, and then after I put Sophie down for her nap around 2:00, when I should be so relieved to have a small break, it starts.
Anxiety. Insecurity. Negativity.
By about 4:30 or 5:00 I’m totally buried beneath its weight. The thought of cooking dinner seizes me with fear. It seems too overwhelming, and even contemplating it makes me feel…I can’t describe it. Doomed, almost. Which seems crazy. And is.
Everything the kids need me to do for them is almost physically painful. Turning on a tv show, filling a sippy cup, wiping a snotty nose. It feels almost as if they are trying to hurt me by making me do things for them.
Joshua wants to know what’s wrong with me. I just tell him I don’t feel good, because I don’t know the answer. But it’s something…something I hope will pass out of my system very quickly.
When my husband gets home I retreat again to the bedroom. Where no one needs me, I can start to calm down. Here, little eyes won’t tear up if I start to sob over not being able to find the remote control. As wicked afternoon turns to wicked evening, here I can try to pull it together, and hope.
Hope that tomorrow afternoon will be kinder.
In the middle of writing this, I read my friend Elizabeth’s blog, and was reminded, thankfully, that my bedroom is not the only place I can run when I am feeling this way. I may not understand what I am going through, but God does. And He can see the end of it. Hallelujah.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and LEARN FROM ME, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28, 29
Hey you are not alone in this. Been there…many times. Run to HIM. He will give you rest. I am praying for you.
Hang in there babe. Love you. Praying for you!
I know EXACTLY what you are going through! When I became pregnant and had to get off of my depression medication it was HORRIBLE! But through persistance and prayer, I am better today than ever and I know God will sustain you through this rough time. Please let me know if you ever want to talk or need ANYTHING! Love you babe!
Hormones, especially artificially added ones, really can wreak havoc on your body & emotions! I took BC pills for a couple of years before deciding that it just wasn’t worth it. It may have been simple contraception, but what it did to my emotions sure wasn’t simple! I know there are lots of reasons that hormones may be medically advised, and if that’s the case, I’m sorry. I hope you have a better day today!
Sorry you are getting tortured by this….I can’t take BCPs for similar reasons (along with headaches, etc.)…Hopefully it works out of your system very soon!!!!
Jenny, I’ve just started reading your blog, so it’s not like I know you. But I’m so bummed for you, going through this! You are so right – we can run to God anytime and all the time. However, I also hope those nasty hormones get out of your body FAST! I’ve been super blessed with the birth control I’ve taken, but I’ve known several women who’ve had the same trouble you’re experiencing. I’m going to pray right now that this is over soon.
I am praying for you and hope you get through this quickly.
Been there. It will get better! Just hang in there and don’t lose your focus….know that it’s temporary, and remind yourself that it’s NOT you, it’s those darn hormones!
You brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry this is hard for you. I will add you to me prayers. I hope the nasty bugger we call birth control will be out of your system soon.
Oh Jenny – That is horrible. I went through a similar situation all through my pregnancy and shortly after…those darn hormones!!! It still creeps up on me every couple months. I feel extremely nauseous along with it and I understand that having to deal with that day after day takes its toll on you. Please let me know if you ever need someone to talk to. I know that always helped me!
Big hugs, girlfriend! You will get through this and thrive. I know it!
I really, really identify with this post, Jenny. I often feel this way and it’s so isolating and frightening.
Jenny,
I will be praying for you.
Wow. I’ve been there now for almost 2 months. Same place. Only my hardest part is 5am- until everyone else is up and awake. And choking and gagging every morning, I’m down 20lbs not on purpose. Evening are my best time. I’ve got 2 kinds of happy pills now. And the one I don’t hesitate to reach for ‘as needed’. I’m afraid that the weather has a ton to do with it too. I’m better each day, but I still fall apart at even the littlest of things. Hang in there. I’m thinking of you.
Aw, hon. UGH. Awful. I’m so so so sorry. I hope going off the meds gets rid of these awful feelings ASAP.
Oh, I’m so sorry. I hope that things get better once the pills are out of your system and that you can find a better solution that works for you without turning your emotions so upside-down. Hugs…
dear jenny,
ellie is sitting on my lap. if you were here she would give you one of those hugs while she pats you (like she did with sophie). days of clouds hit me too. i know that the son is there and will break through the clouds soon. (btw, i couldn’t take bc pills either. i could get off the couch.)
we love and miss you!
i’m sorry you are having such a hard time. i’m not on the pill but have been having a lot of anxiety attacks lately, so i totally feel your pain. hugs to you.
just a thought…I was at my ob/gyn last week and mentioned some fluctuation and all and he told me that with generic pills, the tolerances are wider than with branded. If you were taking generic, you might want to try the branded.
He explained that it was like +/- 5% tolerances on levels for the branded, but that generic could be +/-10 % which could mean a fluctuation of 20% in the active ingredients from month to month. That could explain why it never caused trouble before and now it is, too. 20% swing in med seems crazy.