When I was in college, I would often procrastinate on projects or big papers until the last minute. This is not because I was lazy (well, at least no totally because I was lazy), but because I was afraid of failure. Afraid to start because I was afraid the finished product would be a flop. But, inevitably, I would start the project with just a day or two to spare, get going, hit my stride, finish up, and get an A. I can remember the feeling of getting two or three paragraphs into a paper, realizing, “Hey, this isn’t so bad!” and sailing through the rest of it. And at the end of it, I did love the fulfillment of getting a good grade.
Though I don’t find myself longing for my college days (the work, after all, did get a little heavy at times), I often long for that feeling again. Because for some reason in adulthood, in motherhood, in being a grown-up in general, I don’t feel like I’ve hit my stride. I am afraid to try and get myself on a schedule because I am afraid I won’t stick to it. Same with an exercise program (not helped by the fact that I abhor exercising). I haven’t yet found the thrill of satisfaction in a clean house, drawers full of folded laundry, or even in a home-cooked meal. I haven’t yet made the Dean’s List for housewives, and I don’t know that I ever will. And truthfully, I am afraid to try. Afraid of the failure that looms as a big and likely possibility. Afraid that soon the only sign of my efforts will be that sorely neglected planner I buy every year and never use.
I have gone from someone who performed well under pressure to someone who avoids it like the plague. I love to do things for others but find the responsibilities of my household overwhelming. I am not kidding when I tell you that the idea that I have to be somewhere at the same time five days a week (to pick Joshua up from school) terrifies me. But I know it will be good for me. And I am hoping that this big change in all of our schedules will be the motivation I need to do myself a favor and establish a more workable rhythm to my days. Because if I can do that, maybe little by little, I’ll get into a groove, and maybe, hopefully, I might even hit my stride.
I was thinking one day a week, I could come over on my lunch break and we could take a walk. Then’d we’d at least burn some calories while spending time together.
You already know this, but I do the same thing in running my own household…it is so hard to get started.
All I can say is, you hit the nail on the head!! I did the same thing in college and now faced with my DD heading to school and being someplace at a certain time scares me! Not to mention that I have 2 other little people to get ready on top of it all!! Thanks for making me like I’m not alone!!!!!!! Your blog rocks!
This is so right on! I have done well at most things in my life, but I too run when it comes to “figuring” out my household. I am afraid of utter failure. It’s all or nothing. Either I am on top of it or it’s swamping me!!! Great post!
school is the only thing that keeps me disciplined and scheduled. that first day i had to walk her in and she got an unexcused tardy was sooooo embarrassing!!
When you were in college you had a goal: getting finished so you could marry Bobby. (Remember you wore the wedding gown under the graduation gown!!)
There are some things that really aren’t all that important, “clean” is relative, “sanitary” is not. Clean laundry is more important than folded laundry…and on and on…however…it’s not just about discipline, it’s about GOALS…get one…you’ll get there.
UP
OMGosh, I can totally relate to this. I feel exactly the same way. You kind of just summed up what I’ve been trying to put into words for years.
I have been overwhelmed since I became a stay at home mom. When my daughter started school I was mad I had to have her at school EVERY day. I could no longer come and go as I pleased, I actually had to get my girls up, dressed, fed and out the door by a certain time. I got use to it and then summer came and I craved that schedule. This year I have decided to add a cleaning schedule to the mix and so far so good. I have been using motivatedmoms.com and it is keeping me from getting overwhelmed with housework.
It is hard to get motivated to clean, when you know 5 mintues from when you clean it, it will just be destroyed again. I SO completely understand.
I am sooo glad I am not the only one…once I lost my job I felt completely lost, not sure where to even begin. So I have started to get up earlier then when I used to just so I could get a couple things done, chores and such, before Josie hit the floor runnin’…Slowly but surely I am gettin’ my grove…thanks for sharin’!! It was much needed in my corner!
I feel like I could have written this! I completely understand what you are saying and how you feel!
I understand your post completely. You will be amazed at how your internal body clock will know it is time to get Joshua and how you won’t want to stray far from a certain area so you aren’t late in picking him up. Getting a schedule going, even a loose schedule was a lifesaver to me. I didn’t buy planners or anything like that, I just have an extra large calendar on the side of the fridge. I have found over the years that it is so much easier to consult the side of the fridge (for the whole family) than it is for me to dig out my planner every time someone needs to know a certain part of m schedule. And the thing is we have always had a calendar, but hubs and others would just assume because there was nothing written on it that nothing was planned. I also recommend a different color pen for each person in the family so at a glance you can see who has what.