I have what is most definitely, without question, a wonderful life. It is not perfect. There are parts of it that are very hard. But it is good, it is happy, and it is full of joy.
The problem is, it is also full of OTHER things. To be honest, my family doesn’t DO all that much. Sophie has gymnastics once a week, Jonah has speech once a week, and that’s about it. My husband works til seven and I am not carting three kids on my own to various and sundry activities. I’m not doing it, because even if they kids wanted to, I couldn’t handle it.
What I do is this: I wake up at 6:30 and help get the big kids ready for school. I get myself dressed and ready, then I wake Jonah up, get him fed and dressed and drive him to school. In the two hours and 45 minutes he’s at school, I will go to the grocery or drug store, or I’ll come home and clean, or write articles for my freelance job, or volunteer for Shoes 4 the Shoeless. I try and remember to start the crock pot and the laundry during this time, and if I’m lucky, the dishes, too. Then, I go pick Jonah up. Tuesdays we go to speech, other days I give him lunch, we work on speech together for 15 minutes or so (about as much as he will cooperate for at this point) and then at 1:30 or 2:00 I try to get him down for a nap so I can get whatevertheheckIdidn’tgetdonethismorning finished before the big kids bust in the door at 3:15. Oh, except Wednesdays, Wednesdays I load Jonah up in the van about 2:15 and we go pick the kids and their friend up. It is the only day I have to pick them up and I am very thankful for that because I HATE IT. It totally messes Jonah up and Wednesday afternoons are therefore typically frustrating and unpleasant.
(As you’re reading this, it’s Wednesday. And I have spent my morning scouring #%$! thrift stores for a $%#!@ blazer and tie for Joshua because he has to dress up as his book report character Friday. WHY ALWAYS THE DRESSING UP?????? He chose Ronald Reagan.)
Weekends we run errands, go to church and house church, family birthday parties, etc. Sometimes we will have nothing to do, which Bobby and I love, but the kids are NEVER happy about. So it’s invent something to do, or listen to them complain, or punish them for complaining…
This is all I do. It is really not THAT much. And yet, it is more than I can handle. The sad truth is that when the big kids come in the door on weekdays at 3:15, I am almost NEVER ready for them to be home yet. My brain isn’t ready for the constant jabber (Sophie) or the drill-sergeanting Joshua through homework. I always have one more thing I’ve yet to cross off my list, and I’m not ready, I am just NOT READY to have two more living, breathing BALLS OF NEED standing expectantly before me.
I think maybe by 4:00 I could be ok. But I am never ready at 3:15.
This makes me feel terrible every day. As I am writing this, it’s 3:40 and Sophie is watching Jake and the Neverland Pirates and she CANNOT watch it without narrating it for me and I want EARPLUGS I WANT EARPLUGS so I can concentrate and finish this. Yesterday I told Bobby I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. He was at work, we were instant messaging. And he said. “Why? What happened?” And I said “Nothing happened. My brain is just too full and it makes me sad.”
Huh?? I think perhaps I have adult ADD.
And you, all of you? Probably do WAY more than I do. You have more kids, they play sports, or are in Girl Scouts, or you work evenings, or you homeschool…it feels pretty pathetic that I am never caught up on life when I don’t have THAT much to do.
But that’s the way it is. And I’d simplify if I could, but like I said, there’s not that much to cut out.
I think I just suck at being an adult. And I think that I would enjoy life so much more if I could just be still for awhile. But that doesn’t seem to be an option at this stage.