Happy New Year! Let’s Torture Ourselves

In an effort to make my life one big cliche (and keep Emily rolling her eyes at me pretty much constantly), today, yes the first Monday of the new year, I am starting a cleanse. No dairy, no sugar, no lots of other things but since I can’t eat wheat anyway, dairy and sugar are the MOST painful things – basically everything I love and hold dear I cannot have for 10 days. WAAAAAHHHH! Crazy, right? I mean, I have zero self-control. So. This should be fun.

jenny likes sugar

EXCEPT, I’ve done it before. Are you shocked? I have. And I lived to tell about it. It was sometime last year, I can’t even exactly remember when, but I did the cleanse, I DIDN’T EVEN CHEAT, and I survived. The thing I missed the most was my sugary, liquid-poison coffee creamer. Oh man. I might cry just thinking about it! I wish I would have had an extra helping yesterday!!

I should probably be even more cliche and say the reason I am doing this cleanse is because I want to “get healthy” but that would be a bold-faced LIE. Or a bald-faced lie even. Probably both. The truth is, I am doing this cleanse because NONE OF MY PANTS FIT. It has taken me over two years, but I have finally gained back every last pound of the 12 ell bees I lost when I quit eating wheat. That’s right, I’m here to prove that you can eat gluten-free and still be fat! Thanks, Mountain Dew! Just kidding, I know I’m not fat. BUT I AM SQUEEEEEZING myself into my pants in a MOST UNCOMFORTABLE manner which in case you didn’t comprehend from my use of ALL CAPS is extremely uncool.

That’s right, people. Vanity rules.

So.

Cleanse.

No sugar. No dairy. No amazing creamer or sugary lattes. No Mountain Dew or Chewy Sweet Tarts. No cheese sticks, Sonic slushies, or delicious chocolatey gluten-free cereal.

Oh man. I feel sorry for my kids.

If you need me I’ll be huddled in the corner pretending a carrot stick is a pixie stick.

Wish me luck!

 

 

Post to Twitter

10 Replies to “Happy New Year! Let’s Torture Ourselves”

  1. I will be praying for the well-being of your family.

    And, on a more selfish note, I’m glad your cleanse will be over when I see you later this month.

  2. Good luck! I was supposed to start my clean eating today too. But I walked into kroger & they had advertised Caramel brûlée lattes, which I thought were totally over. And I had to have one. So, I’ll start tomorrow!

  3. Please please report back in 10 days and tell us how you lost the 12 pounds (plus a little extra for good measure) and your hair is shiny and thick and nails are rock hard, and how now you LOVE your coffee black, and that will give me the mo’ to do what you’re doing. In the meantime my goal is less sugar, more protein and “no eating after dinner.” This isn’t just New Year’s vanity folks, it’s straight up economics… I MUST FIT INTO MY WARDROBE AGAIN. Hang tight girl and try not to kill anyone these next 10 days.

    1. I will report back! So far so good EXCEPT – I have had terrible headaches every day from the sugar withdrawal. Hey-OH! I guess I am an addict. Womp.

Comments are closed.