Cooking Fail. Again.

First of all, let me say THANK YOU for all the great advice you gave me about Kate’s room – the comments on my post were fantastic.

And now on to more failures in domesticity.

Wednesday night’s dinner was a disaster with a capital D. (Except I’m not going to capitalize it because it’s not a proper noun and capital letters used for emphasis drive me insane. But you know what I mean.)

Let me preface this by saying that on Wednesday, I didn’t walk in the door until 7:45 p.m. That is where the disaster began – it’s not a good idea to try complicated (or apparently even simple) recipes after a long day of work, softball practice, and a trip to the grocery store. Those nights should be designated for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or something. But who am I kidding – every night is busy! And every night can’t be pb&j night. Can it? That is something to consider. I’m pretty sure I’d be fine with eating that for dinner all the time, throwing in pizza night every once in a while. Which makes me again ponder my reasoning for torturing myself trying to learn how to cook.

But I digress.

My grand plan was to make the Pioneer Woman’s BBQ chicken pizza. Now before you all freak out on me for attempting one of PW’s recipes, let me say that I made the recipe a couple weeks ago and it was delicious. I didn’t even screw it up! The recipe actually makes a double batch, so I had frozen the dough, chicken, and red onions, and had cheese and fresh cilantro ready to throw on it.

Nothing to it!

At least there shouldn’t have been anything to it, but of course this is me we’re talking about. As I mentioned, I had made the dough a week or so earlier and froze one portion of it, which I put in the refrigerator to thaw that morning. Smart, huh? Theoretically, yes. In practice, no. Because I am an idiot, I prepared the dough for freezing by wrapping it in wax paper and putting it in a ziploc bag.

Why exactly I thought pizza dough and wax paper were a good mix is pretty much beyond my comprehension, because on June 9, 2010 I posted this to Facebook:

Yet another cooking #FAIL... I had the bright idea to roll out my pizza dough on wax paper. Didn't work out so well.

Yet that didn’t cross my mind when I put yet another unsuspecting glob of dough onto wax paper.

SO.

When I tried to unwrap it to prepare the BBQ chicken pizza on Wednesday night, I found that the moisture in the dough had seeped into the wax paper, making it more the consistency of wet tissue paper. Which left my dough with a tasty coating of wax hanging on for dear life.

I was picking pieces of wax out of the dough when I heard Andy on the phone ordering pizza from people who actually know how to make it.

So I tossed my creation into the trash can and despite the fact that my husband could tell I was *thisclose* to completely losing my shit and was begging me to take my iPad and sit on the couch for a while, I decided to move on to my next culinary task of the night – the Heavenly Chocolate Cake Roll from Smitten Kitchen.

As you may know, it is currently Teacher Appreciation Week, and I had signed up to bring in dessert for the teachers at Sam’s school on Thursday. I thought since I’d be baking anyway, I’d also make one for Kate’s teacher. I was certain they’d, well, be in heaven while eating the heavenly cake roll.

As it turns out, I was in hell.

I had perused the recipe prior to that time and I thought I could handle it. I mean, I can make pumpkin rolls, so surely there’d be nothing to making their chocolate cousin. But as it turns out, I had apparently scanned the pictures in the recipe and had failed to read the list of ingredients and/or instructions on how to actually construct this thing. As I set out all the items the recipe called for, I realized that it didn’t make mention of any flour. I must have read the list 14 times trying to find where the flour was because it is a cake and cake has flour.

There was no flour.

So I started to read the instructions.

Preheat oven to 350°F. Butter or oil a 10-by-15-inch shallow baking or jellyroll pan. Line the bottom lengthwise with a piece of waxed or parchment paper that extends up the short sides one inch.

That part I could handle.

Melt chocolate with water or coffee in a small saucepan over very low heat until it is 75 percent melted. Remove from heat and stir until the remaining chocolate is smooth. Set aside to cool slightly.

The “75 percent melted” thing had me a little concerned – how does one measure the percentage of meltedness? I decided I had better read on before melting anything.

Beat egg yolks with an electric mixer until pale and creamy. Add sugar gradually, and continue to beat until yolks are pale and ribbony. Gently stir the chocolate into the yolk mixture.

Wait, what? I’ve never seen a ribbony egg. I was starting to panic.

In a clean bowl with clean beaters, beat egg whites with salt until they hold stiff peaks. Stir 1/4 of egg white mixture into the chocolate-yolk mixture to lighten it. Fold the remaining whites into the cake batter in three additions. Pour batter into prepared pan and smooth top. Bake in preheated oven for 15 minutes, or until cake layer feels dry (but very soft) to the touch and a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. It will still seem a little underbaked.

That’s the part where I finally decided there was no way I would be able to do this. Cleaning the bowl and beaters seemed like a lot of trouble and the part about putting the egg whites into the chocolate yolk mixture sounded like it required someone with four hands. And really – I was supposed to put EGGS and CHOCOLATE into the oven and somehow it was magically going to turn into a cake?

Where was the FLOUR?

So I admitted defeat.

I turned to Andy, who had a slightly panicked look on his face, and said “I can’t do this.” He said “Thank God” and ushered me to the kitchen table where our delivery pizza was waiting.

The next day, I delivered chocolate covered Oreos to the teachers – presented in a Martha Stewart-esque manner… in the box that said Kroger Bakery.

Maybe next year.

Post to Twitter

14 Replies to “Cooking Fail. Again.”

  1. As a basketball/baseball mom I have one compound word for you – Crockpot. It’s how we get through the “season” that lasts from Oct-July!

  2. Oh cousin. Kudos to Andy Berry for trying to give you a chance to chill! I’m always “in the door” as you know at dinnertime, but if things aren’t going well and I haven’t gotten it started by 7, I never attempt. I think 7 should be the cut off time. Also, my kids eat either peanut butter crackers (Sophie) or sandwich (Joshua) for almost every meal. With proper side dishes, but that’s the usual main fare. But Bobby and I DO eat grown-up food!

  3. Emily, your torturous evening made a very funny blog. Andy is awesome and you are so sweet to even think of making a heavenly treat for the kids’ teachers. Next year go for Esther Price.

  4. Ok, I actually laughed out loud reading this! This is why this is my FAVORITE blog to read! It’s so real and not “theoretically” what happens in a mom’s world. I have sooooo been there before. My husband comes from an Italian family whose father is insanely talented in the kitchen. I had HUGE shoes to fill, but my husband grew up thinking that gourmet Italian food was normal for every meal. I grew up on mac-n-cheese, chicken, casseroles, etc….My husband literally cringes anytime he sees Cream of Mushroom soup or hears the word casserole. So, I have had my fair share of disasters trying to “cook like dad”. They NEVER work, so why do I bother???? My favorite cooking disaster was trying to impress my husband (then college boyfriend) with blackened tilapia. I knew that when you made something like a chicken parmigiana, you coat the chicken with the bread crumbs, seasoning, etc….somehow I managed to turn that intelligence into ROLLING the tilapia in the blackened seasoning. Needless to say, our mouths were on fire still when the pizza was delivered!

  5. Sorry your cooking didn’t work out so well. I will give you an “A+” for making me laugh hysterically at your post though. You girls always know how to lighten up my day! I love reading your blog! 🙂

  6. Wednesday nights are officially designated as YOYO nights – You’re On Your Own! Meaning we end up eating leftovers, sandwiches, cereal, Easy Mac, etc. It’s nice to have that regular break in the middle of the week.

    Did you ever find out if the recipe was a misprint or something? I don’t understand the no flour either…

  7. I love that Andy was ordering pizza before you admitted defeat…AND that he was relieved when you finally did! I look forward to the day that is my husband’s reaction…he’s an eternal optimist DESPITE my repeated kitchen failings. After all, he reminds me, I did make banana pudding…from instant pudding mix. 🙂

  8. When I read that post on Smitten Kitchen, I thought of your pumpkin roll post! I was actually planning on making that cake for Mother’s Day! It looks so delicious, like a giant Swiss Cake Roll. I was a little skeptical of the no-flour thing, because usually flourless cakes are like the dense lava cake things you get in restaurants. If I do make it, I’ll let you know how it goes.

  9. we make homemade BBQ chicken pizzas using those pre-made crusts (refrigerated from Kroger), then add sauce, chicken, onions and cheese. Doesn’t take long at all, and everyone loves them. Because we also have -0- time to cook, most nights.

  10. At our house we had the occasional “Fend for Yourself” night. Keep pasta, canned sauce on hand at all times. Fast and Easy. I give you an A+ for bringing a treat to the teacher —who is probably a working mom also.

  11. Oh. my. gosh. did this make me laugh out loud! I don’t often go back on blogposts to reread the bits that were my favorite, but on this, I did. Hats off.

  12. Honey, start off easy, and work up to the hard…even then leave the hard for weekends. I am pretty sure that cake could have been made on a Saturday morning and frozen until you needed to put it together. LOL. Back when I worked we had Hamburger/Chicken/Tuna helper, spaghetti, or some type of frozen entree with veggies and potatoes on the side, every night!
    For a while, I cooked on the weekends and froze stuff to warm up during the week. Now I dont work, but we dont really eat much better. Not when my husband just dumps ketchup on it anyway, then looks at me and says “What?”…

Comments are closed.