And yet.

This summer, with a baby in the mix and two big kids constantly begging for attention or bugging each other, I nearly lost my flippin’ mind.  It was just not good.

My hats off to you homeschool moms, because if I had all three of my kids underfoot by myself five days a week, well, let’s just say it wouldn’t last long, because I’d be in the loony bin before you can say “xanaxicity“.

When my kids are gone part of the day at school, we enjoy each other more.  That’s just the way it is.  I must admit over the summer I raised my voice and said in frustration, “You guys are driving me crazy!” or “You guys are making me nuts!”  way too many times.  I just lost it.  There comes a point when I can take no more and I got there a lot this summer. And when Bobby got home, I wanted to go hide by myself and just be ALONE.

And while I have a wonderful husband who is a wonderful father, he will never understand what it’s like to be me, and I will never understand what it’s like to be him.  So when he sees me lose my cool, he generally does not understand.  But he’s just seeing that moment.  He hasn’t seen the twelve hours of incidents leading up to that, all the times I’ve been pushed and pushed and pushed.  He just sees it when I finally pop.  To him it’s the first time a child has committed the transgression in question, when in actuality, it may be the fifth or sixth time.  In any case, it’s one time too many.

So anyway. I’m admitting all that, but I’m still not sure what it says about me.  I just think when you have little kids in your face all day, it’s difficult.  And I love love love love LOVE them am doing the best I can to love the crap out of them, but sometimes I get tired of being a live-in (unpaid) servant, of the adult ADD that I’ve gotten from not being able to, for the love of all that’s holy, finish one. single. task. without being interrupted, and I LOSE IT.  Now that I’m in the throes of blissful fall, I’m realizing more and more how I spent the bulk of my summer in a state of anxiety and panic, mixed with frustration and anger.

I’m already saving my money so that the big kids can go to a week or two of day camp at Joshua’s school next summer.  Not kidding.  I’ve been amazed at how happy and efficient I’ve been this fall, and I’ve gotta figure out a way to make next summer better than this one that has just passed.

So.  Feel free to judge.  Or to admit you’re just the same. But that’s where I’m at.  Now, I’m off to enjoy my 2.5 hours of only having one kid home while I can.

So, let me just say that your comments and feedback on that post were really, really helpful. A couple of you even linked to it and said you could have written it yourself. Do you know how much it means to me that my words mean something to YOU? That I am not the only one who carries those specific frustrations? It means the world. Thank you for telling me. Your comments buoyed me as I dipped my toe into the unknown waters that day.

Although, I think it would be more accurate to say I jumped right in! (Unlike when I took beginning swimming class for PE in college, because, at 20 years old, I still couldn’t go under water without holding my nose, and on the day we were learning to dive, the teacher literally had to PUSH me in. This time, I am happy to say, I propelled myself. But anyhoo.)

I stuck to my schedule. For five whole days. And you know what? I liked it! It worked for me. I exercised, I got housework done, I played with Sophie, I picked Joshua up from school. And I even had a little extra time some days! Here’s the schedule I made for myself:

Mornings M-F

7:30-8:15 breakfast, check email, blog
8:15-8:45 exercise
8:45-9:30 shower, get dressed, get Sophie dressed

9:30-10:00 bloggy business

10:00-10:30 dishes

10:30-12:00 errands, play time

12:00-12:30 lunch

12:30 – 1:00 chores

1:00 – 2:00 OPEN

2:00 leave to pick up Joshua

CHORES BY DAY
Every Day – sweep & vacuum living and dining room
Tues – laundry, sweep kitchen floor
Thurs – dust, clean bathrooms

It needs a little tweaking (for instance, picking up Joshua from school on time has required I move Sophie’s nap time, so part of chore time is generally spent trying to get her down for a nap) – but in general, it has worked really, really, well this week. I mean, I, who ABHOR exercise, have exercised five days this week! Because my schedule TOLD me to!

One thing I haven’t done is schedule the after-school/evening part of the day. I think next week I might try to schedule time in there for dinner preparation, as so far, I seem to be willing to do whatever my schedule tells me too. Who knew?

Of course, I am keeping it flexible to allow for playdates and appointments and things like that, but overall I am super-pleased, excited, and encouraged!! If you feel like you need to give it a try, GO FOR IT! I’ll even keep you accountable if you need me to. Let’s all have adventures in scheduling together!

Somehow I summoned the energy to get my two clean, yummy-smelling kiddos PJed and back downstairs, where I gave them each a cookie and plopped wearily on the couch. I wanted to become one with that couch. As I loafed in my exhausted state I urged my tired mind to come up with a reason, a rationale for why I felt so whooped. Although I’m not a math nerd like some people I know (*cough*Charles*cough), some numbers begin popping into my head. First, I thought of 4: the number of times I’ve swept the same living room floor where the kids have dropped food crumbs. Then other numbers just starting bouncing off my brain, breaking my day down into the minutiae whose sum = exhaustion.

7:30 the time I got up to get the kids ready for homeschool co-op
8:15 the time I decided the kids were too sick to go to co-op
37 (ish) the number of times I’ve wiped the kids noses today
3 the number of times I’ve watched various episodes of Word World
13 the number of goodie bags I made for some foreign college students in our area
5 the number of times Sophie pulled my hair out of my ponytail
6 the number of deep breaths I took to keep from yelling
2 the number of fish sticks Joshua ate for dinner
2 the number of fish sticks Joshua didn’t eat for dinner
3 the number of meals Sophie really did not eat at all
3 the number of diapers changed today
7 the number of times Sophie wiped her snotty nose on my shirt
2 the number of loads of laundry I did today
1 the number of wads of gum I removed from Joshua’s shoe
4 the number of Lysol wipes it took to get Sophie’s dinner tray clean

You get the picture. That’s the little stuff, done over and over and over again. It wears me the heck out and sometimes makes me feel resentful, like my time has been stolen from me. But if I’ll allow myself to focus on the big picture:

(even if one half of the big picture is picking her nose in a very unlady-like manner), I know it’s not today’s 2 loads of laundry or the 2 uneaten fish sticks that matter. What matters most at the end of the day is that I have 2 little people who know that they are loved, safe, and protected by their mama. And that, for better or worse, is the number I’m placing my bets on.

Bethany was kind enough to make lunch for us and after we got the kids settled in the living room with their food, we finally sat down at the kitchen table to eat. After about thirty seconds of adult conversation, Eban entered the room and said four words no mother ever wants to hear.

“Mommy, smell my hand.”

Bethany and I exchanged a “yikes” look. “Why? What’s it smell like?” she asked warily.

“Poop!” Eban replied. (Poop. Of course poop. What else would it be? I think we both knew he wasn’t going to say “lemons” or “roses”.)

With Beth’s next question, “Why does your hand smell like poop?” our quest to solve The Case of the Mysterious Turd began.

“Baby Sophie throw poop at me!” Eban answered cheerfully. Beth and I both jumped up and ran into the living room. I grabbed Sophie and gave her bum a good sniff. Nothing. I peeked inside her diaper. Also nothing. No clues there! “She’s clean!” I exclaimed. Beth did a similar check of Benji’s diaper, which was also turd-negative. Then we noticed a hard, round, black, thing on the floor. Beth moved in for a closer look. “It’s poop!” was her assessment.

Sophie had by this time began rubbing her face all over my chest so I went ahead and nursed her. After Beth’s turd sighting, I lifted Sophie’s hand to my nose. And screamed.

‘Cause it smelled like POOP!!!!!!!!

“She really did throw the poop!” I gasped, horrified. I put an end to our nursing session and ran her to the bathroom to thoroughly wash her hands.

Then Beth and I began re-enacting the Spanish Inquisition on our older boys.

“Where did Sophie get the poop?”
“Joshua did you poop your pants?”
“Eban did you poop your pants?”
“How did Sophie get the poop?”
“Where did the poop come from?”
“WHERE WAS THE POOP?”

After many, many, many “no” and “I don’t know”‘s from both boys, Eban told us that Sophie got the poop from his and Benji’s bedroom. Beth was, of course, mortified. “I swear I don’t just have random poop laying around my house!” she said anxiously.

By this time I was well past being horrified and was just cracking up. None of my playdates ever turn out normal! I was just glad Sophie didn’t friggin’ EAT the Turd of Mysterious Origins!!

So, we still have no idea where the turd came from. One of our kids’ rear-ends? Very probable! But Beth did have friends over the night before who changed their son’s diaper in her boys’ bedroom. So the theory we are most comfortable with is that it fell out of his diaper, unnoticed under the dresser or bed and that Eagle-Eye (or Dog-Nose) Sophie found it (like she finds everythings she shouldn’t have everywhere we go.) Because that’s the theory that makes both Beth and I less culpable in the Great Turd-Throwing Incident of 2008.

But who knows? Nancy Drew and her sleluthy pal Bess we aren’t.

We are way, way, hotter than they are though. And funnier. And our set of novels and subsequent movie are gonna rock so hard, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie will probably become BFF just to play us! Just wait!!

A few minutes later, Joshua, who was still rockin’ his Spiderman sleeper, wandered up to me. He was fingering the bottom of his sleeper leg just below his calf. What he said baffled me. Are you ready? Here goes:

Joshua: Mommy, I have a little piece of poop in my pants. Would you like to see it?
Me: What??? Did you poop your pants?
Joshua: (very indignant!) No, I said I have a little piece of POOP IN MY PANTS!

I hustled him to the bathroom, peeled off his sleeper, and discovered he did indeed have a very small, hard turd in the leg of his pants. How it got out of his underwear, I do not want to know. After giving him the “tell-mommy-when-you-need-to-poop” lecture and stripping him and washing his hands veeeery thoroughly, I got him dressed and quizzed him on what exactly had transpired. He seemed as confused about the event as I was.

Ah, well. Scaring the meter-reader and solving poop mysteries. It’s all in a day’s work around here! Can’t wait to see what today holds!

(P.S. Emily text messaged me last night that she is safely in Florida!)

Dishes
Shower
Go to Bank
Laundry
Go to CVS
Sweep dining room
Clean up living room
Sweep living room
Makeup
Take out trash
Change Diaper Pail

I had a ton of cleaning to do and laundry because poor Joshua had no clean clothes and remained in his PJs until noon. But I also really wanted to get myself cleaned up as well. I wanted to have a shower and makeup on before I ran to the bank and the drug store. So, I put those things on the list. Then, after I completed them and crossed them off of the list, I felt not only clean and shiny, but also a sense of accomplishment instead of a sense of guilt for taking the time to take care of myself. This may seem stupid to you, but somehow I am able to trick myself into thinking that showering, doing my makeup, excercising, or reading my Bible Study book is not just something for me, but something that contributes to the success of my day.

I know I’m a crazy coo-coo nuts, but it works for me! So why not give it a try and see if it works for you?

For more great Works for Me Wednesday tips, head over to Rocks in my Dryer!

The first thing I’ve done is take advantage of a low-cost grocery program called Angel Food Ministries. Before I explain it, let me tell you that is seems too good to be true, but it is actually true and I will testify to that! Here’s the dealy-o: Angel Food Ministries has a monthly menu of foods that will feed a family of four for one week. The food is very good quality and is only $25 for one unit (you can order as many units as you would like). You place your order and pick it up once a month at a participating local church. Here’s what I ordered and will be picking up on Saturday, October 27th:

(4) 5 oz. Ribeye Steaks
(1) 3 lbs. Breaded Frying Chicken
(1) 2 lbs. Salisbury Steak Entrée w/ Gravy
(1) 24.5 oz. Supreme Pizza
(1) 2 lb. Chicken Chunks
(1) 24 oz. Pork Roast
(1) 16 oz. Chicken Breast Fajitas
(1) 12 ct. Corn Tortilla
(1) 15 oz. Pork & Beans
(1) 16 oz. Fresh Carrots
(1) 24 oz. Homestyle Hashbrowns
(1) 16 oz. Corn
(1) 16 oz. Bean Soup Mix
(1) 5.5 oz. Pancake Mix
(1) 7.5 oz. Mac & Cheese
(1) 7 oz. Lasagna Dinner
(1) Dessert Item

Yes, my friends, I am getting all that food for $25! The menu is different every month and they also offer a number of specials that you can purchase in addition to your regular order. The specials are such a great deal that we actually bought a freezer for our basement just so we can order additional specials if we like more than one! Here are this month’s specials:

OCTOBER SPECIAL #1
Meat Combo Box $18.00
4 8-oz T- Bones
2 lb. Ribeye Roast

OCTOBER SPECIAL #2
Strip Steak Special $18.00
4 8-oz. K.C. Strip Steaks
4 8-oz. New York Strip Steaks

OCTOBER SPECIAL #3
Family Convenience Meal
Special from Golden Cuisine $18.00
Five Delicious Individual Dinner Entrees with 2 sides per meal:
o Cheese Manicotti
o Macaroni & Beef
o Beef Pattie & Gravy
o Chicken & Noodle
o Chicken Breast & Mushroom Sauce
Includes five breads, five milks, ten margarine cups, and five desserts

Angel Food Ministries has been a real blessing to my family. Go to their website to see if it is available in your area! I strongly suggest you try it, you literally have almost nothing to lose!

The other way I save my family money on groceries is shopping at everyone’s favorite close-out store, Big Lots. I shop there for all our non-perishable grocery items like canned vegetables, soups, spaghetti, spaghetti sauce, mac & cheese, olive oil, breakfast cereal, oatmeal, etc. I also often find baby food there which is great. In addition to food items, I also save a lot of money buying household items at Big Lots like dishwashing detergent, dish soap, laundry detergent, fabric softener, and household cleaners. I usually make a couple of trips a month to Big Lots and if I see a really great deal, I buy it (often more than one of it) whether I need it at that moment or not, as long as I have the money and its something we’ll need eventually. I still shop at the big local grocery store for fresh produce but that’s about it!

All right, so now you all know what a cheapskate I am, but what can I say? I’ve been gainfully unemployed for over five months now and we’re not broke, so it works for me!

For more great Works for Me Wednesday tips, head over to Rocks in My Dryer.

So, like I said, I don’t practice Attachment Parenting. But my children seem to be advocates for said lifestyle. I am a stay-at-home-mom, and I breastfed Joshua until he was 13 months old, but I’ve never co-slept (except a couple nights on vacation with Sophie this summer because she was up every hour!) mainly because a) I am a very light sleeper and have some as-yet-undiagnosed sleeping problems and b) my hubby is a very heavy sleeper and I’m afraid he’d definitely and unknowingly squish a baby by rolling on it. However, at the age of three, Joshua has decided he’d like to co-sleep with me (not Daddy). He’s had two different phases where we’ve had a hard time getting him to go to bed in his bed without a fight. He’s just coming out of one of those phases, but even though he’s going to bed fine, he still manages to wander into our bedroom somewhere between three and four a.m. several nights a week. Once he’s there, I pull him into bed with us because I am too tired to do otherwise. He whines and fusses about Daddy being in the bed until I wake my husband up out of exhaustion and frustration and he splits. Then I pray Joshua is tired enough to go back to sleep without wallowing all over me, so that I might also get some rest.

And that’s just Joshua.

Sophia, at ten-and-a-half months, is very attached to me. I didn’t have to make any special efforts there. She wants to be on me all the time. She is constantly climbing up my leg – my husband just shakes his head in wonder. “She sure loves her mama,” he says. Understatement of the year! I really should’ve just bought a nice sling months ago so I could just wear her 24/7. It would be much more convenient. Then I wouldn’t have to pry her off my leg all the time so I could walk. The other night I was trying to eat dinner and she was standing at my side, pulled up on me, rubbing her face all over my lap. Then Joshua, who was grumpy, climbed in my lap as well. Neither wanted their Daddy, even though they generally love him a lot. I guess this should make me feel like every woman or something but it generally just makes me claustrophobic (and hungry)!

Sophia is also going to be an AP advocate on the nursing front. She still looooves to nurse. I planned to nurse her about 13 or 14 months but I am pretty sure I won’t be able to wean her until she’s about six. She is very fond of rubbing her face into my chest or licking my shirt when she wants to nurse. She’s very subtle, that one. I do love nursing her, I just hope I won’t have to finally put my foot down and wean her so that she can go to kindergarten.

If I had it to do over again, maybe I’d go back in time and practice AP, because honestly, at this point, I’m not sure I have a choice anymore!