A Beautiful Risk

Two weeks ago, two different families that were “friends of friends” lost children on the same weekend. One a newborn baby who inexplicably never breathed, and one a teen in a freak accident. Since then, I have not been able to stop thinking about this post I wrote back in October 2007 (!!!) about my baby Sophie, for the old online magazine TopBlogMag. I finally searched for it so I could re-publish it here for you guys, because it adequately expresses my thoughts on what I’ve been feeling for these two families, and on the great way we expose our mom hearts when we have kids.

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She’s sleeping soundly, and I pause to observe a rare moment of calm in my wild child, my crazy girl, my daring daughter. Her long, fine hair covers her thick eyelashes and rest on her plump, peaceful cheeks. She is, to me, simply amazing. But I am, of course, her mother.

Eleven months ago, I exhibited the opposite of the serenity she now sleepily displays. I was pregnant with her, and on the cusp of giving birth, rotund, uncomfortable, and scared. I was anxious, apprehensive, and fretful about my baby girl. My fears frustrated and confounded me. I already had a son, and he was healthy and strong. I had done this before, what was wrong with me? I just wanted her out, and as my pregnancy progressed I became more and more convinced she would be safer outside the womb than in.

A few days before my due date, after a doctor’s appointment where once again, everything looked fine, I sat down to try and analyze my fear, to seek to know the enemy that was taking the joy out of this pregnancy. What I came to realize after some careful, quiet thought, was this: because I already had one child, I knew what I had to lose if something went wrong with this pregnancy. I knew what it was like to hold my own child in my arms, to nurse it at my breast, to feel its breath on my cheek, to marvel at its first smile and revel in its first laugh. This baby already had my heart. Giving her life meant risking her life, and I already knew I couldn’t live without her.

A few days later, right on time, my risk, my beautiful risk paid off. My daughter came into my world healthy and strong, just like her brother. The last eleven months she has brought me joy upon joy, and looking at her now I don’t regret the risk for a minute. Still, knowing what I have to lose, I don’t think myself brave enough to take it on again.

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Word Nerds!

spellers

Saturday, Joshua and Sophie were BOTH in our district Spelling Bee. Last year they both qualified, also, but Joshua did not want to do it, and we didn’t make him. This year, however, he was ready, but he did NOT want to win. He was like, terrified of getting to the final round where he would compete against 6th-8th graders as well as his own 5th grade winners. Sophie, however, was in it to win it! We studied pretty hard. I even made Joshua study because I told him he HAD to do his best, but I gotta be honest – the 5th grade words were ridiculously hard!

Anyway. Before we left for the big Bee, we had to do a family coin toss. Why? You ask.

Because both kids wanted Daddy to come with them in the spelling room. We had to flip a coin to see which would claim the Daddy prize and which would get stuck with boring old Mom.

Sophie lost. And let me be clear, LOSING = me accompanying her to the 2nd grade spelling bee.

Harumph.

Despite her handicap of getting stuck with moi, Sophie spelled her heart out and came in 4th place out of 20 spellers! She was SO excited, and I was SO proud. She spelled with confidence and made it through 18 rounds before she got out!

Sophie 4th place

Joshua and Bobby fared well in the 5th grade room, but not AS well as Sophie. The details are a little fuzzy, because when I asked how he did, they could only come up with “I was in the top 10 but not the top 5.” I had to laugh! We are so proud of Joshua for overcoming the fear that kept him out of the spelling bee last year!

joshua is cool

And of course, the same week of the spelling bee, both kids also qualified for the district speech meet. Which means…another early Saturday morning coin-toss is in our future.

I sure do love my little Word Nerds! Even though they love Daddy more.

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Freeze, Please

Sophie and Mom

You guys. This little girl will be eight years old on Sunday. E I G H T years old. Eight!

I don’t know how this happened! When this blog started, she looked like this:

sophiepunkin.jpg

And when she was born, she looked like this:

jennysophie111606

And now she’s all long hair and long legs and missing teeth and glasses, reading 150-page chapter books and winning spelling bees and swimming in the deep end.

And I…can’t…take it.

Sophie was a difficult baby. Sophie was a difficult toddler. Sophie was a difficult preschooler with significant developmental delays. But since Sophie became a “school-ager” – she’s been so sweet, and funny, and fun to be with!

I’d freeze that girl solid at almost eight if I could. I’m not going to pretend she’s perfect, but Sophie at seven has been a delight. A deeeeelight. And I don’t want it to end.

I know that what’s around the corner is probably better than I can imagine, but I’m enjoying this time so much right now and I don’t want to let it go.

I would’ve frozen Joshua at about a year old. He was the BEST baby ever. Jonah…not ready to freeze him yet. But, Sophie, Sophie’s time is now. I just want this sweet stage to last a little longer, and I hope it will!

I’m so blessed to be Sophie’s mom, no matter what stage we’re in. And to honor this super-fun stage, we plan to have a LOT of fun this last week of Seven!

What age do you wish you could re-live with your kids?

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