Dear People Who Drive Down the Same Roads I Do,

Oh hi. Remember me? Probably not, but I’m the driver of one of the many cars you zoomed by in the last week or so. I imagine you didn’t see me, though, because you were in such a hurry. In fact, from the way you were driving, I must assume that you were either bleeding, in labor, or practicing for a local drag race.

I’m sure wherever you’re going is super duper important – you don’t want to be late for work, or maybe you don’t want to miss the first three minutes of The Bachelor.

But here’s the thing.

We live in rural Ohio. In case you haven’t noticed, the roads we travel down every day look pretty much like this.

And it is spring. Otherwise known as the time farmers plant shit. So it stands to reason that every once in a while we’re going to be caught behind one of these.

See that orange triangle on the back? Unless I’m remembering the study guide from my driver’s ed class incorrectly, that indicates a slow moving vehicle.

In other words, it means “Calm your ass down.”

Now, I’m no more of a fan of driving 30 miles per hour than you are. But I am, however, a fan of being alive. And I’m a fan of my kids being alive and even you being alive. I would prefer we all remain that way. So please, please stop passing me, the nice farmers, and the other drivers who have some sense when it’s not safe to do so. By “not safe,” I mean when there’s a double yellow, a curvy road, an upcoming hill… that kind of thing.

And for the love of all that is holy, please stop passing 14 cars and the offending farm equipment all at once.

Thank you.

XOXO,
Emily

Yesterday an unhappy scene unfolded on the sidewalk in front of my house.  I was very, very, SLOWLY backing my car out of the driveway.  I was driving Bobby’s car which has a big ol’ back end, and so I was being extra-cautious. I live on a really busy street so here’s how you back out.

1) Very very slowly inch your way to the edge of the driveway so you can see on to the sidewalk

2) Very very slowly inch out a bit more so you can see on to the street

3) Wait forever until traffic is clear so you can go

I’ve lived here nine years and never had an incident. Why?  Because I am very, very CAREFUL.

Ok, so yesterday as I was in the *middle* of step 1, with my back tires barely even out to the sidewalk, I hear a scream. So I slam on the brakes, and see a lady whiz behind me on a bike. ON THE SIDEWALK.

I roll down my window.

Me: Are you ok?

Lady on Bike: YOU ALMOST HIT ME!

Me: Uh, I’m sorry, I was backing out very slowly. I can’t see until I get to a certain point.

Lady on Bike: YOU GOTTA LOOK! It would have been YOUR FAULT.

I could see I wasn’t going to get anywhere, so I rolled up my window, put the car back in reverse, and continued backing out of the driveway.  And there was NO TRAFFIC so I got out of the driveway right away. Which means she could have been and should have been riding on the road LIKE THE LAW SAYS.

Here’s how the conversation SHOULD have gone:

Me: Are you ok?

Lady on Bike: YOU ALMOST HIT ME!

Me: I think you mean that YOU almost hit ME.  But whatever,  I was backing out very slowly. I can’t see until I get to a certain point.

Lady on Bike: YOU GOTTA LOOK! It would have been YOUR FAULT.

Me: Really? Well, maybe if you were a pedestrian, but last time I checked it’s illegal to ride your bike on a sidewalk, so…and also, as I mentioned, I can’t SEE until I back out further than I already was. So I couldn’t SEE you. But you could SEE ME.  And also?  If you’re going to be STUPID and ride your bike REALLY FAST down a SIDEWALK, maybe you should wear a helmet. JUST AN IDEA.

And also, I’ve lived here 9 years and never even had ONE near-miss with a pedestrian or illegal bike rider. How many have you had?

GAH!!!!!!!!!!

Anyhoo, bike rider lady thoroughly irritated me and I couldn’t shake her yelling at me all day.  I know she was scared, but really, if you’re going to be stupid, prepare for a few bumps and bruises along the way.

And don’t YELL AT ME!