Behind Enema Lines: The Day I Knew the Honeymoon Was Over

Author’s note: This was my entry for the 2016 Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop Essay Contest. Once again, I LOST. But bonus, you get to hear the most embarrassing story of my LIFE, which I have actually told to very few people. I was hoping it would garner me a win! Talk about your all-time backfires. Pun intended. ENJOY!
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Behind Enema Lines: The Day I Knew the Honeymoon Was Over

 

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“Marry the person who will help you to the bathroom”.

 

So commands the title of a recent Washington Post feature in which the author describes her spouse’s tender care after her emergency C-section.

 

But I can do her one better.

 

My own emergency C-section added some marital challenges that my husband and I hadn’t foreseen. We’d always been private about “bathroom stuff”; we never dreamed we’d go from “I do” to “Can you help me pull up my mesh hospital panties?” in just under four years.

 

Courtesy of a surgery side effect called an ileus, I couldn’t poop or pass gas after birth. So, my belly, (you know, the one that just had a giant hole cut in it because my hoo-hah wouldn’t perform?) swelled back up to full-term pregnant size—and it hurt like a MOTHER. To remedy this, I got an emergency enema.

 

Fortunately for me, the enema worked. Unfortunately, it started working at the precise moment my mother-in-law chose to visit her new grandson.

 

Trust me, there’s nothing like hoping the moans of your intense pain will cover the seismic sounds of your backed up bowel contents exploding into the toilet so that your mother-in-law won’t hear. (She totally heard).

 

But the spastic colon party was really just getting started. Back in my bed, my bowels decided to prove their reactivation once again. And my poor husband? He alone had a ringside seat for this one.

 

Without warning, loud enema-fueled chemical farts started spewing forth from my nether regions. We looked at each other in shock. Farts? We don’t fart in front of each other! Before panic could even set in, volley after volley of the longest, loudest, stinkiest farts that have ever been farted came jumping out of my body. It was like an eleven-year-old boy ate a 48-ounce can of baked beans plus a tube of your grandma’s stinky antibiotic ointment and just went to TOWN.

 

Horrified, we could do nothing except laugh uncontrollably…but the laughing caused me excruciating pain. After about 15 minutes, this cycle of fart-laugh-moan had us in such hysterics that I had to banish my husband from the room so that my flatulence would be less hilarious and I wouldn’t DIE FROM THE LAUGHING PAINS.

 

Somehow, I survived—and after those odiferous fifteen minutes in that hospital room, I knew that man was in it to win it with me for LIFE. Twelve years later, we still roll with laughter when one of us brings up the “Chemical Fart Incident”.

 

So girls, please: Do marry the person who will help you to the bathroom. Or maybe? Be like me and marry the dude who can withstand your chemical farts.

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Fifteen

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We were just kids who thought they were adults. We had been dating four years, friends for 10, and we THOUGHT we knew each other. We THOUGHT we knew what marriage was all about.

Heh.

Despite our human-ness, Bobby and I are celebrating fifteen years of happy marriage today. FIFTEEEN! How are we even OLD enough for that? It seems impossible.

I am so thankful that God has given us grace, kids, love, and patience to work through what life throws our way – and what we sometimes put in our own way.

I love you, Bobby. Fifteen! Our marriage is almost old enough to get its temps!

Thanks for being in it to win it with me.

windy

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A Wedding in December

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Two weeks ago, my family had the privilege of attending and being a part of a December wedding.

The bride: our favorite babysitter, Krisha, whom we’ve known since she was 12.

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I stole this picture from one of Krisha’s bridesmaids. They were just havin’ a little fun the night before the wedding…

The bride’s mother: My very BFF, Luanne.

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 The flower girls: my Sophie and Krisha’s niece, Marler:

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Sophie is three years older than Marler but they get along so well. Marler is very special to our family; I was privileged to be there at her birth with her mom, grandmom, great-grandmom, and auntie.  (Today, as I write this, it is Marler’s 4th birthday, as a matter of fact! She is a New Year’s Eve baby.) And holding her on my lap as she watched her precious auntie get married was pretty special too.

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It was such fun and such a privilege to be involved behind-the-scenes, as I was the unofficial flower girl wrangler, I kept the girls occupied while Krisha and her maids got ready and got pictures and I got to be there for the fun things like seeing Krisha get her dress on, and praying together for Krisha before the wedding.

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They were pretty pleased with their curly hair (a first for Sophie!) and lovely dresses.

Soon enough it was time for Krisha to make that momentous walk down the aisle to her very eager groom, and since I was back with the flower girls to tell them when to go, I got to blow her one last kiss before she took off to be given away.

And then it was ON: the flower girls did great, the pastor gave a wonderful sermon, the music and the tears flowed freely. And in just a few minutes, our Krisha was not a bride but a wife. Corey’s wife!

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Immediately after the ceremony, the bridal party was ushered into a side room to await photographs. I was in there as Flower Girl Wrangler, and snapped this sweet photo of the newlyweds as they found a quiet corner to be together in. I know I’m a total stalker, but I have it on good authority that everyone is glad this photo was taken.

Anyway! After the photos, the real fun started; it was at the Dayton Art Institute, and the wedding was amazingly beautiful and the reception was over-the-top FUN! Sophie danced her booty off and had the time of her life! Here she is LOSING HER MIND on the dance floor:

Of course there were lots of sweet dances, too! Krisha’s mom and dad are our very best friends, so I shed lots of sappy tears during these!

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Mother-daughter dance. It’s a THING!

Krisha’s parents EVEN let her dance with her new husband!

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And then the bride got down with her BAD self (and her friends):

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Joshua was very excited about the wedding, because he LOVES Corey, the groom. He is his 2nd-biggest fan after Krisha, I think. Corey, though a full-fledged grown-up, likes all the things that Joshua likes: Marvel Superheroes, Star Wars, you know…he’s a “cool nerd”. It’s a thing. And I’m so glad Joshua looks up to him and likes hanging out with him! Since Krisha isn’t going to be our babysitter anymore, we’ll still get to hang out with her and Corey as friends…I’m glad he enjoys our kids, too.

One really fun part of the wedding was the awesome photo booth set up by the official photographers, Braun Photography. The Rapsons got an epic pic!

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It’s too bad Jonah wasn’t there for the pic, but let’s face it, NO ONE would have enjoyed the wedding if he was there! He’s three, and he’s crazy.

Sophie and I and my friend Becky had some more photo booth fun later!

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Don’t act like you’re not impressed…

And before we saw them off to start their new life together with candle-lit lanterns on a cold December night, Krisha and Corey and her family had some photo booth moments as well:

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This was a special wedding for me. I got to see one of the people I love most in the world embark on a marriage to a wonderful man, both fully seeking God with all their hearts. I got to see my dear best friend glow as she was the gracious hostess, mother of the bride, and example of beauty and grace, and I got to see my daughter have one of the most special and memorable nights of her young life. It’s a night I’ll remember forever, this wedding in December.

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