So the other day, loyal reader Christine posted on Facebook that she was in WITHDRAWAL from lack of Life Klass, and I was all, “OH my gosh I am so FLATTERED GIVE ME A TOPIC!” And she gave me a topic. So here I am, Christine’s loyal slave. This is how much I crave your approval, dear readers! But really Christine did the world a favor, because honestly some of you psychos need to learn how to act at the pool. I’m trying to survive the summer by wearing my children out at ye olde local watering hole and I pay a crapload for memberships so QUIT OFFENDING ME while I’m there. GAH! Just to make sure we’re clear, let me give you some very specific instructions, mmkay? Here’s what NOT to do when you’re at the pool (whether I’m there or not!)
1) Cover Up Your Private Parts
Listen people. I don’t know why this one is so hard for you, but apparently it is v-e-r-y difficult for you to actually purchase a swim suit that covers up your no-no’s. Umm. Feel free to call me a prude (because I totally am one). I don’t wear bikinis because in case you haven’t noticed, wearing a bikini is exactly like appearing in public in your underwear. I’m not saying I think wearing one is wrong, but, ain’t nobody but my husband seeing me at that level of undress. What I DO think is wrong, is if you wear one and I can still see 75% of your butt and/or bewbs. If the only thing your suit covers up is your crack and your n*pples, IT’S TOO SMALL. Eek, my sons don’t need to see that. And neither does ANYONE AT THE POOL. If you want to show that off, I am pretty sure you can get paid for it, so maybe explore that option and quit coming to my pool. OR – buy something that fits. Deal?
2) Pay Attention to Your Kids
This seems like a no-brainer to me, since if I can’t see all my children at all times, I totally FREAK OUT. But many of you just, like, lay on the chairs and sleep and let the life guards be your babysitters. (And don’t get me started on the ones of you who just drop your kids off or let them ride their bikes…) Which, um…doesn’t really work for me. Cause see, I’ll give your 8-year-old a pass the first time he “accidentally” mows down my three-year-old, but the second time, I am going to say something. And you might not like it. But if you were actually watching your kid and making sure he wasn’t trying to drown preschoolers, we could *possibly* have avoided a unpleasant scene. And I would have smiled gratefully when you told him to WATCH THE HECK OUT FOR OTHER PEOPLE. But nope, now I have to be that mean lady at the pool. Thanks a lot.
3) Watch Your *&$#!% Mouth
Listen. You don’t need to yell the F word at the pool. When it comes time for my children to learn that word, I want them to learn it from Emily me.
Oh, and if you’re going to drop your kids off at the pool (not Jessica Simpson-style, but for real), please tell them to watch their %$&!@@# mouths, too!! Oh who am I kidding. Clearly you don’t care what they do when they are at the pool as long as they are not in your space.
4) Censor Your Body Art
I’m not against tattoos, unless those tattoos contain offensive language or racial slurs. So if I run over and slap some duct tape on your lower back at the pool one day, it’s because MY KIDS CAN READ. I’m talking to YOU, Old White Supremacist Grandpa. It’s nice of you to bring Adolf Jr. to the pool BUT REALLY. Wear a shirt, I don’t want to read your manifesto. {Wish I was kidding. Shudder}
Well my friends, there ya go. 4 simple rules for hanging poolside. Oh wait, I almost forgot.
5) Wear Sunscreen. Or Don’t. Well, do, but not the spray kind. Just kidding it’s all gonna kill you. But, the sun might kill you too. So basically, stay home. I like the pool to myself.
