Jenny’s Life Klass: What NOT to Do at the Swimming Pool

LifeKlassSwimmingPool

So the other day, loyal reader Christine posted on Facebook that she was in WITHDRAWAL from lack of Life Klass, and I was all, “OH my gosh I am so FLATTERED GIVE ME A TOPIC!” And she gave me a topic. So here I am, Christine’s loyal slave. This is how much I crave your approval, dear readers! But really Christine did the world a favor, because honestly some of you psychos need to learn how to act at the pool. I’m trying to survive the summer by wearing my children out at ye olde local watering hole and I pay a crapload for memberships so QUIT OFFENDING ME while I’m there. GAH! Just to make sure we’re clear, let me give you some very specific instructions, mmkay? Here’s what NOT to do when you’re at the pool (whether I’m there or not!)

1) Cover Up Your Private Parts

Listen people. I don’t know why this one is so hard for you, but apparently it is v-e-r-y difficult for you to actually purchase a swim suit that covers up your no-no’s. Umm. Feel free to call me a prude (because I totally am one). I don’t wear bikinis because in case you haven’t noticed, wearing a bikini is exactly like appearing in public in your underwear. I’m not saying I think wearing one is wrong, but, ain’t nobody but my husband seeing me at that level of undress. What I DO think is wrong, is if you wear one and I can still see 75% of your butt and/or bewbs. If the only thing your suit covers up is your crack and your n*pples, IT’S TOO SMALL. Eek, my sons don’t need to see that. And neither does ANYONE AT THE POOL. If you want to show that off, I am pretty sure you can get paid for it, so maybe explore that option and quit coming to my pool.  OR – buy something that fits. Deal?

2) Pay Attention to Your Kids

This seems like a no-brainer to me, since if I can’t see all my children at all times, I totally FREAK OUT. But many of you just, like, lay on the chairs and sleep and let the life guards be your babysitters.  (And don’t get me started on the ones of you who just drop your kids off or let them ride their bikes…) Which, um…doesn’t really work for me. Cause see, I’ll give your 8-year-old a pass the first time he “accidentally” mows down my three-year-old, but the second time, I am going to say something. And you might not like it. But if you were actually watching your kid and making sure he wasn’t trying to drown preschoolers, we could *possibly* have avoided a unpleasant scene. And I would have smiled gratefully when you told him to WATCH THE HECK OUT FOR OTHER PEOPLE. But nope, now I have to be that mean lady at the pool. Thanks a lot.

3) Watch Your *&$#!% Mouth

Listen. You don’t need to yell the F word at the pool. When it comes time for my children to learn that word, I want them to learn it from Emily me. 

Oh, and if you’re going to drop your kids off at the pool (not Jessica Simpson-style, but for real), please tell them to watch their %$&!@@# mouths, too!! Oh who am I kidding. Clearly you don’t care what they do when they are at the pool as long as they are not in your space.

4) Censor Your Body Art

I’m not against tattoos, unless those tattoos contain offensive language or racial slurs. So if I run over and slap some duct tape on your lower back at the pool one day, it’s because MY KIDS CAN READ. I’m talking to YOU, Old White Supremacist Grandpa. It’s nice of you to bring Adolf Jr. to the pool BUT REALLY. Wear a shirt, I don’t want to read your manifesto. {Wish I was kidding. Shudder}

Well my friends, there ya go. 4 simple rules for hanging poolside. Oh wait, I almost forgot.

5) Wear Sunscreen. Or Don’t. Well, do, but not the spray kind. Just kidding it’s all gonna kill you. But, the sun might kill you too. So basically, stay home. I like the pool to myself.

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Jenny’s Life Klass: What NOT to get your kid for Christmas, technology edition

JLKWhat Not Christmas


Welcome to another holiday edition of Jenny’s Life Klass! Last year, I bossed you around and told you what NOT to get your kids for Christmas, and this year, I’m doin’ it again. (Last year STILL APPLIES in most cases! Better go re-read it!) But with a special emphasis on technology-based presents that YOU SHOULD NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BUY FOR YOUR KID! I know this might make some of you mad, but I have decided I can deal with that. I know you’re going to buy whatever you want for the Princes and Princesses you have spawned, but hopefully when you do, you’ll at least know that I am totally judging you. I hope that through this post I can at least put an attractively made-up version of myself on your shoulder as you enter the Walmartz and buy ALL THE INAPPROPRIATE THINGS. So let’s get to it!

Numero uno! The Fisher-Price Newborn-to-Toddler Apptivity™ seat for iPad® device

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Uh, umm, uhhhhh…when I first saw this monstrosity I thought it was a joke. After I realized it was NOT a joke, I was rendered speechless. But lucky for you I found my voice! Fisher-Price, I love you, I do. I mean, I have ALL THE LITTLE PEOPLE THINGS for my little guy. But really, could you NOT contribute to the zombiefication of our children? Infants and toddlers do NOT need to be strapped into a seat watching a screen! I don’t care if it’s playing Sesame Street, it’s totally unnecessary and WRONG. Little kids need in-ter-ac-tion with actual HUMANS in order to develop properly. So parents, please don’t go purchase this for little Bayleighlynne Arboretum or whatever you weirdos are naming your kids these days. Just because North West and Blue Ivy have one, it doesn’t make it right!!

Which leads me to…this…since Blue Ivy’s really old enough for this shame to humanity now:

CTA Digital 2-in-1 iPotty with Activity Seat for iPad

digital potty

Hey you know what would be awesome? If you could turn your kid’s brain to poop, WHILE HE POOPS! That would be totally BOSS! What, wait? Now you CAN turn your child’s developing brain into excrement while he deuces? Hallelujah! Hooray for technology! Little Chauncey (or whatever hispter name you gave your baby) no longer has to take time out of his busy Angry Birds Star Wars schedule to drop one in the pot. BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

Side note: the warranty on this thing actually states that you can be reported to Child Protective Services just for buying it. Purchase at your own risk, knuckleheads! (Just kidding, it doesn’t say that. Don’t sue me. But seriously, quit making crap like this.)

And finally, and here’s where you all start to hate me, but it’s cool:

Apple iPod Touch

ipod touch

Guess what, y’all? This is a great gift for your teenager. It is the dumbest gift EVER for your six-year-old, or even nine-year-old. I know, I know, all your kids already have one. Sorry to poop on the party. If you are one of the few, the proud, the parents who don’t bestow expensive $250 electronics on their first-graders, CONGRATS! You get an A+! If you are on the fence: do me a favor and DON’T GO THERE. Your elementary school-aged child is *probably* not so into music that he or she needs a few hundred of his favorite songs in one place. And he or she DEFINITELY does not need a portable device with an internet connection. Hello, safety anyone? They don’t need a Facebook or an Instagram, either. And for the LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, 3rd graders do NOT need to Face Time with their friends!!

Yes, I realize these devices can be used for good purposes…I let my big kids use my iPad regularly. To play games, do math homework, study for spelling tests – absolutely. We used the HECK out of my iPad to help Sophie with her speech therapy and we will do so with Jonah when he is old enough.

(And for the record I will say iPads are better for kids, but I still think it’s wisest for the parent to be the owner. I know there are some kids who will make a great exception to this rule. None of these children are mine. They would destroy it if it were theirs.)

But using an iPod to message friends (or *eek* who knows who??) via Facebook, FaceTime, iMessage, or any other app available? Hay-ell no! It’s just not safe OR a good use of their time. Again, I am talking about elementary-age students. 

Additionally, an iPod Touch is expensive and easy to lose or break. REALLY easy – and not cheap to replace. It’s too tiny and pricey for a small child to be responsible for. With the way Sophie treats the used Nintendo DS we got her on Craigslist, I SHUDDER to think of what she’d do to an iPod Touch.

So there ya go people, don’t buy your babies and primary school kids digital toys this Christmas…buy them ACTUAL TOYS.

Or I will personally send Rudolph to take a dump in your stocking!

Happy Holidays!

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Jenny’s Life Klass: How NOT to shop for groceries

LifeKlassgroceries

Hola amigos! It’s Monday, I can think of NO better way to start the week of right than attending a Jenny’s Life Klass. Today I am going to cover one of the basic functions that every human needs to master in order to be a functioning member of society: grocery shopping. Just to be super-clear, I am going to tell you how TO grocery shop by telling you how NOT to grocery shop. Are we crystal? Good! Now grab your cart (I call dibs on the one that actually steers straight) and let’s get shopping!

In order to make this a truly comprehensive Klass, I’m going to start at the very beginning of each grocery trip. The parking lot.

1) Do NOT drive around for 10 minutes looking for a front-row parking space. Grocery store parking lots are like an extremely dangerous Tetris game. And they’re ALWAYS crowded. So just find the nearest open space and PARK. I don’t want to get stuck following you while you circle the lot at 3 MPH for the 33rd time, or while you wait stopped with your blinker on for 10 minutes for an octogenarian in a Buick to put her groceries away, start her car, and leave. JUST PARK so that I can also just park! But do NOT park in a handicapped space unless you have a permit. Or the bottom will drop out of that cement slab like a cartoon trap door and you will be sucked straight into the lake of fire. Sheesh.

I hate that I have to write this next point, but sadly, people of Kroger, you have proved to me time and time again that I MUST.

2) Do NOT walk down the middle of the parking lot aisles as you make your way into the store. You guys, FOR REAL. Stick to the right or to the left. (If you’re having trouble remembering which is which, make an L with your pointer finger and thumb on your left hand. Got it? Good job! Go get a sticker!) And for goodness sake, if you have a child or children with you, HOLD THEIR hands! And lastly (sorry this is multi-level instruction, good thing it’s in writing so you can review it before you shop), PUT THE PEDAL TO THE METAL. The grocery store parking lot is no place for meandering. SO HUSTLE!

Now that you’ve made it safely inside…

3) Do NOT push your cart without purpose. Much like the parking lot, the grocery store aisles are no place for meandering. Ain’t nobody got time for your dilly-dallying! Get what you need and get OUT OF MY WAY! Also, since your cart doesn’t have brake lights on it, no sudden stops! The front of my cart does not want to give you a rectal exam,  but that could totally happen if you don’t look before you brake.

4) Don’t. Block. The. Aisle. Look, I totally get that you need to compare the price per ounce on store brand peanut butter and name brand peanut butter – who do you think you’re talking to? I see price-per-ounce stickers in my sleep. But you can do it with your cart tucked neatly to one side of the aisle (see #2) and your body as close to the product as possible. I know it’s fun to stand in the middle of the aisle with your hands on your hips, bent over so your nose is touching the peanut butter and your rear end is touching the pancake mix across the aisle. So freeing! Such a good stretch! BUT SAVE THAT CRAP FOR YOGA CLASS AND GET OUTTA MY WAY!

5) Do NOT organize your coupons IN the checkout line. Look, I am going to go easy on you here. I’m not even asking you to be a good citizen and get your coupons together before you enter the store. I’m a coupon lady, I know you need to make some adjustments to your pile o’ coupons before you get to the register. So pull your cart over in an empty aisle (wine or deli works well for me) and get your savings squared away BEFORE you hold up the checkout line. If you wait until the cashier has rung everything up and then take an extra five minutes to pull wadded coupons out of the pockets of your Gloria Vanderbilt pleated jeans while my toddler tries to get out of the cart seat belt, I will follow you home and place a flaming back of poo on your porch under cover of darkness. COUNT ON IT.

And finally, people.

6) Do NOT go grocery shopping unless you are fully-dressed in clothes that one wears DURING THE DAYTIME. Pajama pants are not ok. Yeah, I live in the hood, SO WHAT? I always turn up to the Kroghetto fully dressed in clothing that one does not wear to go swimming or night-night, and I expect the same of you. My Kroghetto even has a sign on the front door to help you out: “A bikini top does not count as a shirt.” THANK YOU, Kroghetto! You are a true retail citizen of the world. At least you were, until  you let this lady in the other day:

kroghetto shopper

Yes, I DID take a picture of my fellow shopper, and yes, I am a horrible person BUT I CAN’T UN-SEE THAT!!!! And apparently some people need examples of what is and is NOT appropriate to wear to the grocery. It looked as if she was wearing NO pants at first, although I’m not entirely sure that pink fabric we see is not her underwear. Because really how could her undies be any smaller? I mean, for the love! What if my big kids had been with me? I can hear Sophie yelling at the top of her lungs, “MOMMY WHY ISN’T THAT WOMAN WEARING PANTS?” I don’t have an answer for that. I’m not even going to mention the towel on her head BECAUSE SHE’S NOT WEARING PANTS!

People. I beg you. Wear daytime clothes to the store. Ones that cover you up. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Well, my pretty pupils, I thin that about covers it. Unless you have some more gems to add to the list. EXTRA CREDIT for leaving your grocery store no-nos in the comments!

Your Life Klass assignment? Go shopping. Drive car and cart properly. Watch out for others. Wear clothes. You can do it!!

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