Category: Jenny thinks she’s funny

Well, guys, it’s D-Day. Really H-Day, but that doesn’t sound so catchy, now does it?

By the time you read this, Emily will begin her transition from a being woman to being a man with a uterus, ovaries, and fallopian tubes, to being one without those oft-crucial but now unnecessary and troublesome parts.

Yesterday I was at the OB-GYN for my yearly fun and to follow-up on that business with MY ovaries from last month (apparently the SuperCousins are keepin’ the doc’s kids in college this year) and so I said, “Hey ya know, Dr. P, Emily was in the OR when I had my last C-section so I think I should be allowed into the OR when you do her hysterectomy on Wednesday so I can live tweet it!”

She laughed really hard.

And then she said NO.

DANGIT! Can you believe that?? Dr. Buzzkill! She also told me I can’t make Emily laugh for 2 weeks, which is going to be difficult because

a) I am naturally hilarious and

b) I plan to be by her side literally 24/7 as she recovers. (Except for when I’m working, sleeping, taking care of my kids, showering, running carpool, at speech with Jonah, or at church.)

But I’ll try not to make her literally bust a gut.

Anyway, naturally last night we had one final text convo before the big change:

 

I won’t screen shot what Emily texted next because she will literally kill me as soon as she regains her strength. SO. Sorry!

Anyway, on the off chance Em does wake up a dude, instead of just a lady with no lady innards, I’ve been thinking about what name she should give her male persona. And since the famous Olympian-turned-reality-star-turned-chick has recently vacated the name “Bruce” – I think that’s definitely on the table!

I’ll keep you updated on Facebook on how Em is doing, especially if I get any videos of her getting wacky on painkillers.

But really…she appreciates your prayers as she gets operated on and recovers tomorrow. I’ll keep you posted!

Last night I was at my nephew Charles’ baseball game (he’s a senior and it’s the last one I’ll get to attend which makes this #FanAunt sad, nostalgic, and rather old-feeling) and it was getting pretty TENSE up in there – HELLO, extra innings?? I can’t handle the stress!!

SO naturally I texted Emily to tell her about it because THAT’S WHAT I DO IN STRESSFUL SITUATIONS! Lucky Emily, right? She responded in a way that was less about MY PROBLEMS and more about how said problems could be used for the betterment of this blog. Exhibit A:

Naturally Emily’s solution to my PROBLEM of baseball game-related stress was that I should lose my shark and get arrested so she can post my bail – and my mug shot.

This made me think of another time when I texted her recently when I was having some pain in my ovarian areas and I decided to go get ’em checked out because we take our ovaries pretty seriously around here. SO – turns out I have a cyst on my right ovary but it’s the kind that can just hang out there with no problem. But naturally when I texted Emily with this news, she had another solution:

Because OMG wouldn’t it be awesome if we had hysterectomies on the SAME DAY by the SAME DOCTOR?? SO BLOGGABLE!!!!! Twin hysterectomies and twin MENOPAUSE!! Whee!!!Blog fodder for months!!

But, I don’t want to turn into a dude. So I’m gonna try to keep my lady parts for now…even though Emily doesn’t want me to.

But anyway…do you see why I always run to my cousin Emily with my woes, people? She always has my our best interests at heart.

Oh my, my friends, it’s been too long since I ripped a portion of the general population a new one here on this blog and woo-wee am I ready! Are you ready? Jenny’s Life Klass is back and it’s meaner than ever!!

Let me tell you what’s got my biscuits all burnt up today, friends.

People.

Specifically, people who drive around with profanity, lewdness, and general skeevy perviness on their cars in decal or ornament form.

Case en pointe (that’s FRENCH, I’m KLASSY, remember?): yesterday I was innocently driving my kids home from school in the very nice area of town that they matriculate in, literally right next to the fancy Lexus dealership where my husband fixes cars for rich people, very far away from where we live in the dirty city, and at a very long stoplight, right in front of us was a new-ish Chevy pickup truck with a decal on the back window…

of a cartoon man and woman having sex. In a style that was decidedly NOT missionary (not that THAT would have been ok either, but this was just to be over-the-top-CRUDE, apparently.) And underneath this lovely cartoon couple engaged in what I’m sure is an act fueled by their great love for each other, the words, “Making My Family”.

Um, WHAT?

WHAT??

YOU HAVE A FAMILY?

God help us all.

I’m sure the beautiful children born of a man who depicts their conception in a crude cartoon bang decal on the back of his Chevy have a bright and beautiful future. I have no doubt they will respect others, work hard, and contribute to the betterment of society.

I mean, I think the family that displays cartoon sex acts on the back of their vehicle is also definitely the family that stays together, too. Right? And probably the kids of that family have lots and lots of friends because whose parents don’t want their kids to be around THAT Dad, amIrite?

I was praaaaaayyyying that a) the light would change really fast  or b) God’s hand would reach down and pluck that truck from the road and deposit it and its decal in hell before my kids SAW that monstrosity. Fortunately, Joshua and Sophie had their heads buried in books or homework and didn’t see it, and Jonah is clueless.

But what if they see it next time? What if they ask me about it? What am I supposed to say, you d*ggie-style exhibiting jackwagon??

AARGGHGHGHGH!! There is STEAM pouring forth from my ears as I think about that. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Ok. Deep breaths. Namaste. Center myself. Take a mental walk in the woods. I’ve got to calm myself down so I can educate the rest of the world, in case, like that Chevy-driving pukebag, you don’t know what is and is not appropriate to display on your motor vehicle. HERE GOES.

1) Sex acts. I think I just covered that. Keep your cartoon Karma Sutra under your mattress, perv. My 8-year-old doesn’t need to learn about that stuff until she’s at least 30. DO NOT MAKE ME TAKE A SLEDGEHAMMER TO YOUR CHEVY, mmkay?

2) Your scrotum. SERIOUSLY, if you have your ball sac hanging from the back of your truck…this is a DIRECT ADMISSION that you’re a eunuch. 100% non-refutable PROOF. You’ve just outed yourself, grossed  me out, AND stolen my kids innocence, NUMB NUTS.

3) Profanity. HEY GUESS WHAT? A VAST MAJORITY OF TINY HUMANS CAN READ. And that “Don’t like my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-Sh*T” bumper sticker is a) a total fraud – that number is answered by some Bangladeshi guy who wants to sell me a satellite dish and b) a doorway to a room in the American lexicon that I am not ready for my 4-year-old, WHO CAN READ, to enter yet. I mean at least not until we get him through speech therapy so he can REALLY understand how to  use  those words properly. YOU IDIOT.

4) Naked ladies in profile. Just don’t, pervert. Like, you’re driving, YOU CAN’T EVEN SEE IT. I mean, do you just need us to know that you know what a naked woman looks like? CONGRATULATIONS. Next time I am behind you at a stop light I am going to get out and shake your hand (nope, nope, nope I cannot even FATHOM where that hand has been). Really, what an achievement. Your mother must be BURSTING with pride shame.

Ok. I am SURE there are more categories, but this is a good start – and now I need to go take a mental shower because I am so disturbed by the free speech that the general population CHOOSES to put on their vehicles (????).

So I will let YOU add to the list my friends!! What do you see on someone’s car that makes you want to CUT a jack@$$$?

GO forth and spread these wise words so EVERYONE CAN KNOW – in case they don’t – that it’s not ok to put cartoon sex acts on your car window! BECAUSE YOU GUYS, I DON’T THINK THEY KNOW!

Love,

Jenny