Many moons ago, when Emily and I were somewhere that required us to be in a hotel room together (what conference was that, Em?), I discovered a little show on the hotel cable called Toddlers and Tiaras.  Now we don’t have cable here in the Rapson house, so even though I was trainwreck-enthralled with the one or two episodes that I saw, I wasn’t able to follow up on my fascination.

UNTIL NOW! Because ladies and gentleUPs, Toddler and Tiaras is now on Netflix!

And I am again transfixed.

But not by the toddlers or their tiaras.

BY THE MOMS. I don’t want to overgeneralize, but I would say about 80% of these ladies scare the living crap out of me.  They are either a) delusional b) overwhelmingly controlling c) nucking futs crazy or d) all of the above

Here are some special quotes from some of the featured pageant moms that really drive the crazy home:

From a mom of two girls who do pageants, ages 2 and 5, talking about how each pageant dress can cost two to three thousand dollars, “I don’t know what I wouldn’t pay to have them do what they want to do.”

Lady, I hope your home foreclosure went real well.

Here’s another beauty (pun intended):  ”Some people might think that it’s crazy to shave a seven-year-old’s legs, but it helps her spray tan stay on better.”

My bad. When you put it that way, it’s perfectly reasonable.

From a mom of two boys, ages 23 months and 3 1/2 years (yes, boys can be in pageants!): “When I see little girls, I always think, ‘I can turn my little boys into little girls.  They can be the little girls that I don’t have.’”

WHAT!?!?!?  Please Jesus, let’s hope she saw herself on video and immediately checked into a counseling center.  And the boys too.

From the mom of a seven-year-old: “I prefer her tanned.”

Well then maybe you should have married a darker man, lady. Because white + white = WHITE.

And here’s a couple they ALL say:

“HI my name is “_____” and  my daughter “_________” knows how to stand out in a crowd.”

and

“When ______ gets up on stage her personality just shines!”

Barf barf barf.  Her personality probably shines just about everywhere.

And here’s one of my favorite quotes from a 10-year-old pageant pro: “I like to do pageants because you get to be perfect.  I LOVE being perfect.”

Oh, that’s not sad. Not sad at all.

Do your daughter a favor: don’t put fake hair, fake skin color, fake teeth, and adult makeup on her, don’t spend thousands of dollars on dresses and spray tans and fake nails and coaches, just don’t!  No matter how much “she” wants you to.

Or, do.  And let it be filmed for a reality show.  Because I. will. watch!

I know TLC probably just chooses the craziest to showcase, and that most pageant parents are just nice, normal moms like me. (heh.) Oh wait, I KNOW NO SUCH THING.  But if showcasing the craziest cases was your M.O., TLC, then well done!

photo by number657 on flickr

Dear Cousin,

I love you. Just about as much as I love anyone on this earth.  And I have in my past, loved a pet.  More than one.  I mean I used to let those cats SLEEP WITH ME every night, I looooved them, they were my BABIES, and you know what? I’M GLAD THEY’RE GONE.   Going pet-free is the best decision we ever made for our family.

And that is the reason I am going to tell you that you should under no circumstances, get a DOG.  I know your husband thinks he wants one, I know your daughter thinks she wants one, I know all our readers think your kids are going to turn out to be emotionally stunted irresponsible citizens who make a living stealing other people’s identities if they don’t get a one, but I am here to tell you that they are WRONG.  Why? Because YOU don’t want one, and they ultimately want what YOU want, whether they know it or not.  This dog will make you unhappy, and when mama’s not happy…she gets TMJ, gets hopped up on muscle relaxers because she can’t deal with letting the dog out in the middle of the night one more time, refuses to leave the bedroom, gets fired from her job, and starts talking to her new hair dryer.

But you know what? I don’t need to give you any more reasons about how dog hair is gross (and your cleaning lady is going to start charging you more), how you are going to have to pick up POOP (really, both your kids can take care of their own poop, shouldn’t you not rock the poop boat?), how you are going to have to make Kate get a JOB to pay for the tags, license, shots, etcetera that this pooch is going to require.  And what if he gets hurt, or sick? Oh, you can just buy health insurance for YOUR DOG. I’m sure that’s cheap.  And probably really good coverage.  I am sure you will never have to pay out of pocket thousands of dollars so your dog won’t die so your kids won’t be emotionally scarred.

OH, and YOU HAVE TO PAY MONEY FOR YOUR DOG TO GET A HAIRSTYLE AND A MANICURE. Dubya tee eff, cousin. Like you even have time to get your OWN hair and nails done but your DOG will have to have regularly scheduled appointments?

I just died a little just thinking about it.

But anyhoo. Like I was saying. I don’t need to tell you those things.  Because I am going to tell you, in your own words, why you should not get a dog.  So Emily, listen up, because you have something to say to yourself.

REASONS I SHOULD NOT GET A DOG

by Emily Berry

1) I rarely plan ahead for lunch, which means I either grab something quick (and expensive and not so healthy), or I scavenge something to eat out of my desk drawer, and then find myself ravenous when I get home.  But I’m sure remembering to buy giant $60 bags of dog food for our family pet will be no problem.

2) One of the many things I struggle with is how big of a deal to make out of things – and by “things,” I mean failures on my part. Once I get started thinking about one thing, a giant list of other things I need to do or fix or clean or whatever comes to the forefront of my mind… and I can’t let them go. But I think adding a few dog-care-related things to the list is a great idea.

3) I need to hook up the super awesome printer I bought, I don’t know, probably six months ago. It’s been sitting in a corner since then. I shudder to think of this dog’s fate when your 7-year-old tires of caring for it.

4) I need to keep my car cleaner. So I’m getting a dog.

5) I’m tired of staying up too late. I’m tired of not being able to get out of bed on time. I’m tired of getting myself and two kids out the door every morning. I’m tired of my 40 minute commute. I’m tired of evenings being rushed. I’m tired of being late for everything. I’m tired of having so many balls in the air. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not doing a good job at anything.  Like keeping a dog alive.

6) Sam, at the ripe old age of three and a half, has developed a new interest. Potty humor. I think dog poop all over the yard is really going to help him get over it.

7) I mean, imagine if your husband had memories of seeing his mom get a pap smear. (ok, that one doesn’t really apply, it just cracks me up!)

8 ) Then there’s everything that has to be done in evenings during the school year… homework, paper shuffling, lunch packing, bath time, and, you know, dinner. And taking the dog out for a crap. And scooping the dog’s crap up.

9)  Jenny and I have actually both been struggling with this ungratefulness in our oldest children, and we’ve talked about it a lot.  However, we have no solutions. But maybe I’ll try making Kate scoop up dog crap and see if that helps.

10) And finally…I think I am getting grumpy in my old age or something, because this time around any benefit I might eventually get from this scenario  is vastly outweighed by the fact that I am extremely uncomfortable.

Don’t get a dog, cousin. Don’t. Get. A. Dog.

Love,

me