Bobby had come outside with me and almost immediately we heard “Joseph Albertson! The house is surrounded! Please come out with your hands up!”  We peered down the street and there was another police car and a cop with a bullhorn three doors down. Well, YEE-HA!  Just another Sunday afternoon in the city!

Naturally, Bobby and I turned on the Wii for the big kids so they wouldn’t notice the drama. Then, we pulled up chairs on our front porch and sat back to watch the drama.

The cop with the civilians was literally RIGHT in front of our porch.  From the conversation we surmised they lived in the house or were related to the person that was being sought.  The man was on the phone trying to make arrangements for someone to come get the kids.  I felt so sorry for those kids.  The younger woman was yelling at them a lot and using the “F” word.  Lovely. I know it’s a high-stress situation, but geez.  It was really hot so I went in and got a box of Capri Sun and took it out to the woman, but she declined, saying the kids were leaving soon.  Fortunately, they were all soon escorted away.

By this time they had completely closed off our block so we definitely knew I was not getting out to the grocery anytime soon.  I wasn’t too thrilled but I figured this wouldn’t take too long.  Soon, I’d have my bread and milk, and anti-fungal cream for Jonah’s wicked diaper rash he had developed while I was gone? Right?

Then, we heard the cop tell the people on our sidewalk that SWAT and the Hostage Negotiation Team were coming. WHEEEEE!

It didn’t take long.

Soon this was the scene across the street from our house!

Soon there were SWAT guys with assault rifles all over the place.  They were being very stealthy – jumping over fences, creeping through alleys, etc.  All this time, the policeman with the bullhorn was constantly calling the guy to come out.  Bobby and I could see a news camera crew down the street filming the action.  He and I were constantly updating our FB statuses, and I was tweeting and instagramming the drama.  And also, after about two hours, I was complaining HEAVILY about not being able to get to the store!

At one point a SWAT team member, or HNT member, dropped an orange box right in front of our sidewalk.  I was all…umm…I hope that thing’s not going to blow up!  Luckily my friend Jen, whose husband is on the HNT, told me that’s the “jump phone” they use to talk to the perpetrator.  From online news reports, we found out the guy was wanted on a domestic violence charge, and was believed to be holed up in the house with an automatic weapon.

At some point we went in and made the kids dinner, then after that we let Joshua and Sophie continue to play Wii so they would not know that their were men with assault weapons right outside the house (they remained clueless throughout. We turned up the TV so they wouldn’t hear the bullhorn.)

But since we are super-stellar parents, we took Jonah out on the porch with us and let him swing on his baby swing so we could keep watching the drama!

So we were just sitting there minding the SWAT team’s business, when all of a sudden a stealthy SWAT guy crept up right next to our porch! I didn’t even hear him but Bobby pointed him out to me. So, I did what any good blogger will do:

photo heavily edited to *try* and hide the fact that I had been up for like 14 hours and had no makeup on.

LOOK AT HIM SMILING!!! HE LOVES IT!

I wasn’t as stealthy as him, because he saw me take the pic and said. “Don’t you go putting that on YouTube.”

No worries, dude.  But you didn’t say anything about MAH BLOG!

Soon after this, things stopped getting fun.  The bullhorn kept going.  At one point they blared the SWAT truck’s sirens (it was on this guy’s front lawn at this point) really loudly for a really LONG time to try to get him to come out.

It got late. I still didn’t have any groceries.  Jonah’s biscuits were still burning and he needed that diaper rash cream!

We put the kids to bed.  It took forever.  At one point I went out and saw the SWAT guys all in a row, with their shields up, in tight formation – it looked like they were ready to go in and get that guy!

But then nothing.

And about 45 minutes later, the trucks packed up and left.  Huh?  Bobby finally got out to the store after 10 to get us a few things, and I went to bed.

Then I woke up to news reports the next morning that THE GUY WASN’T EVEN IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHAT?????  I don’t know how he got out but he wasn’t there.  He ended up calling police from a location several miles away and turning himself in without incident.

After holding my neighbors and us hostage for over FIVE HOURS!   Ugh.

If he moves back to the house three doors down after he gets of jail, I am totally leaving a bag of flaming poop on his porch!

And then she goes and gets girly on you.

If you’ve been reading this travesty blog for awhile, you know that I have a smidge of a vanity issue.  I likes to look purty. I also enjoy looking at myself in any and all available mirrors, and taking self-portraits on Instagram (where you should totally follow me, BTW, I’m @jennyrapson.)   Additionally, I enjoy lots of eye makeup and scarves.  Jewelry I like but don’t wear as much since Jonah pulls on necklaces but one day I’ll  be back with the necklaces, just you wait.

Emily, however, has seemed to view makeup and accessories as more of a necessary evil. I mean she likes to look nice, and fortunately for her she is the opposite of ugly, which helps, but she’s been a bit less fussy about her appearance than moi.  In fact, her pattern has been to openly mock me for my vanity and eye-roll at my primping.

Has been.

(Well she still mocks me about the Instagram self-portraits.  I secretly think it’s because she WANTS TO DO IT HERSELF.)

Sometime this past year, I began noticing Emily with a little more bling on her outfits.  Her shoes got fancier and cuter.  She began pinning outfits on Pinterest, and for Christmas?  Her husband bought her A NECKLACE TREE.  Because, you know, SHE HAS SO MANY NECKLACES.   Let’s take a look at exhibit A, here people a pic of Emily and me from Christmas 2011.  Who is the most fussy, I ask you?

Not only does Emily have on two necklaces, and large earrings, but look at the bottom of the photo – she also has like, legwarmer thingies over her boots. They are super cute but I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY’RE CALLED!  Remember when I used to be fashionable?  Well, I am here to say that Emily and I have switched places.  And now, she is taking her newfound vanity to a new level.

As you read this, Emily will…have…I can’t even bear to write it…a SPRAY TAN.  That’s right.  Miss Vanity USA 2012 couldn’t embrace her natural white color.  In preparation for Mom 2.o in Miami, she went to a friends’ BASEMENT, stripped to her skivvies, and got a spray tan.

Something I will NEVER – mark my words – NEVER do!  God made me white and the only way I want to be brown is if I am in the SUN. I was downright shocked when she told me.  Here’s how our instant message conversation went:

Emily says:

OK but i have a confession to make if you are still there and not pilates-ing

Jenny says:

i’m back. confess

Emily says:

i am getting a spray tan tomorrow

Jenny says:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

i can’t even make time to GET MY EYEBROWS WAXED and YOU ARE GETTING A SPRAY TAN.

once again. who ARE you?

time to start the “emily is vain” blog category. finally!!

Emily says:

hahahahaha

i am so freaking pale it is gross

Jenny says:

so am I, cousin, except it’s NOT gross because it’s the way GOD MADE ME.

and you.

have mercy

we’d be dirty and poor if we had tans and we were on downton abbey

Emily says:

please blog about this tomorrow

——————-

SO there you go. Emily is vainer than Jenny. She has betrayed the paleness of our twice-interwined genes.  Hell has frozen over, pigs can fly, and I hardly ever drink Mountain Dew anymore.  Is this the twilight zone or WHAT??

Now I advised cousin Emily that getting a spray tan the NIGHT BEFORE WE LEAVE for Miami  might not be the best idea. (I learned this from watching Toddlers & Tiaras, of course.  Emily is WELL on her way to being FULL GLITZ.)  But she would not be deterred.  So, Miami here we come! Whitey and Orangey, together forever, we’re going to be like the human Creamsicle.  Un-freaking-forgettable! Get ready!

That's not creepy at all.

Sadly, I have finished every available episode of Toddlers and Tiaras on Netflix. {Sad face.}  I must confess, I loved every. single. minute.  I can’t wait until the next season is available on Netflix!

I wasn’t just entertained by T&T, I was educated.  And because I love you, my dear readers, so very much, I am going to share with you, the top ten gems of knowledge I gleaned from three heart-stopping seasons of Toddlers & Tiaras.  Here goes!

1) If your daughter’s name is Kayleigh (many, many spellings), Kylee, or anything that rhymes with those two names, she will do well in pageants. Keep that in mind, pregos of the world.

2) People who like to put their daughters in pageants also like to give their daughters crazy-a$$ names like “Cealy” and “Salee” (pronounced See-lee and Say-lee). (These two girls were of course BEST FRIENDS, also.) Listen people, if “Cealy” or “Salee” was not your mother’s maiden name, or your maiden name, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS NAMING YOUR KID THAT. It’s just ridiculous. Quit making up names!  (I’m talking to you, mother of Sparkal Queenz.)

3) Many three-year-old “divas” will scream and cry when you glue fake eyelashes onto them and pierce their scalps with hairpins. WEIRD!!  Also, they don’t like getting their eyebrows plucked.  Wusses.

4) Pageant moms are either a) crazy b) their child’s slaves or c) living vicariously through their daughters.  Although I am not sure why they would want to wear a short, 70-pound dress covered in heavy stones with six petticoats, a weave, fake eyelashes, and fake teeth, but…THEY DO.

5) If you let your four-year-old throw screaming fits during her sessions with her pageant coach and use a pacifier, she will NOT do well in pageants.  But, she will still be your princess.  And, her failure to succeed will always be the judges fault.

6) If you dress your daughter like a slutty pop star for the talent competition, she will do well.  Even if she is a two-year-old in a Madonna-esque cone bra bustier.  Yay for YOU!

7) Spray tanning a dancing four-year-old is “challenging”.

8 ) When a pageant mom sees her five-year-old onstage dressed up like a twenty-five-year-old (in a short dress), she will cry. Because apparently that’s touching?

9) Every pageant mom thinks her daughter stands out in a crowd because of her “personality”. Every. Last. One.  Also, their personalities all SHINE when they’re onstage. SHINE, I tell you!

10) All the judges are looking for the “total package”.  What is the total package?  It’s like, the total package. DUH.

Share the wealth! What have YOU learned from watching all those pageant princesses?

UNTIL NOW! Because ladies and gentleUPs, Toddler and Tiaras is now on Netflix!

And I am again transfixed.

But not by the toddlers or their tiaras.

BY THE MOMS. I don’t want to overgeneralize, but I would say about 80% of these ladies scare the living crap out of me.  They are either a) delusional b) overwhelmingly controlling c) nucking futs crazy or d) all of the above

Here are some special quotes from some of the featured pageant moms that really drive the crazy home:

From a mom of two girls who do pageants, ages 2 and 5, talking about how each pageant dress can cost two to three thousand dollars, “I don’t know what I wouldn’t pay to have them do what they want to do.”

Lady, I hope your home foreclosure went real well.

Here’s another beauty (pun intended):  ”Some people might think that it’s crazy to shave a seven-year-old’s legs, but it helps her spray tan stay on better.”

My bad. When you put it that way, it’s perfectly reasonable.

From a mom of two boys, ages 23 months and 3 1/2 years (yes, boys can be in pageants!): “When I see little girls, I always think, ‘I can turn my little boys into little girls.  They can be the little girls that I don’t have.’”

WHAT!?!?!?  Please Jesus, let’s hope she saw herself on video and immediately checked into a counseling center.  And the boys too.

From the mom of a seven-year-old: “I prefer her tanned.”

Well then maybe you should have married a darker man, lady. Because white + white = WHITE.

And here’s a couple they ALL say:

“HI my name is “_____” and  my daughter “_________” knows how to stand out in a crowd.”

and

“When ______ gets up on stage her personality just shines!”

Barf barf barf.  Her personality probably shines just about everywhere.

And here’s one of my favorite quotes from a 10-year-old pageant pro: “I like to do pageants because you get to be perfect.  I LOVE being perfect.”

Oh, that’s not sad. Not sad at all.

Do your daughter a favor: don’t put fake hair, fake skin color, fake teeth, and adult makeup on her, don’t spend thousands of dollars on dresses and spray tans and fake nails and coaches, just don’t!  No matter how much “she” wants you to.

Or, do.  And let it be filmed for a reality show.  Because I. will. watch!

I know TLC probably just chooses the craziest to showcase, and that most pageant parents are just nice, normal moms like me. (heh.) Oh wait, I KNOW NO SUCH THING.  But if showcasing the craziest cases was your M.O., TLC, then well done!

photo by number657 on flickr

Dear Cousin,

I love you. Just about as much as I love anyone on this earth.  And I have in my past, loved a pet.  More than one.  I mean I used to let those cats SLEEP WITH ME every night, I looooved them, they were my BABIES, and you know what? I’M GLAD THEY’RE GONE.   Going pet-free is the best decision we ever made for our family.

And that is the reason I am going to tell you that you should under no circumstances, get a DOG.  I know your husband thinks he wants one, I know your daughter thinks she wants one, I know all our readers think your kids are going to turn out to be emotionally stunted irresponsible citizens who make a living stealing other people’s identities if they don’t get a one, but I am here to tell you that they are WRONG.  Why? Because YOU don’t want one, and they ultimately want what YOU want, whether they know it or not.  This dog will make you unhappy, and when mama’s not happy…she gets TMJ, gets hopped up on muscle relaxers because she can’t deal with letting the dog out in the middle of the night one more time, refuses to leave the bedroom, gets fired from her job, and starts talking to her new hair dryer.

But you know what? I don’t need to give you any more reasons about how dog hair is gross (and your cleaning lady is going to start charging you more), how you are going to have to pick up POOP (really, both your kids can take care of their own poop, shouldn’t you not rock the poop boat?), how you are going to have to make Kate get a JOB to pay for the tags, license, shots, etcetera that this pooch is going to require.  And what if he gets hurt, or sick? Oh, you can just buy health insurance for YOUR DOG. I’m sure that’s cheap.  And probably really good coverage.  I am sure you will never have to pay out of pocket thousands of dollars so your dog won’t die so your kids won’t be emotionally scarred.

OH, and YOU HAVE TO PAY MONEY FOR YOUR DOG TO GET A HAIRSTYLE AND A MANICURE. Dubya tee eff, cousin. Like you even have time to get your OWN hair and nails done but your DOG will have to have regularly scheduled appointments?

I just died a little just thinking about it.

But anyhoo. Like I was saying. I don’t need to tell you those things.  Because I am going to tell you, in your own words, why you should not get a dog.  So Emily, listen up, because you have something to say to yourself.

REASONS I SHOULD NOT GET A DOG

by Emily Berry

1) I rarely plan ahead for lunch, which means I either grab something quick (and expensive and not so healthy), or I scavenge something to eat out of my desk drawer, and then find myself ravenous when I get home.  But I’m sure remembering to buy giant $60 bags of dog food for our family pet will be no problem.

2) One of the many things I struggle with is how big of a deal to make out of things – and by “things,” I mean failures on my part. Once I get started thinking about one thing, a giant list of other things I need to do or fix or clean or whatever comes to the forefront of my mind… and I can’t let them go. But I think adding a few dog-care-related things to the list is a great idea.

3) I need to hook up the super awesome printer I bought, I don’t know, probably six months ago. It’s been sitting in a corner since then. I shudder to think of this dog’s fate when your 7-year-old tires of caring for it.

4) I need to keep my car cleaner. So I’m getting a dog.

5) I’m tired of staying up too late. I’m tired of not being able to get out of bed on time. I’m tired of getting myself and two kids out the door every morning. I’m tired of my 40 minute commute. I’m tired of evenings being rushed. I’m tired of being late for everything. I’m tired of having so many balls in the air. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not doing a good job at anything.  Like keeping a dog alive.

6) Sam, at the ripe old age of three and a half, has developed a new interest. Potty humor. I think dog poop all over the yard is really going to help him get over it.

7) I mean, imagine if your husband had memories of seeing his mom get a pap smear. (ok, that one doesn’t really apply, it just cracks me up!)

8 ) Then there’s everything that has to be done in evenings during the school year… homework, paper shuffling, lunch packing, bath time, and, you know, dinner. And taking the dog out for a crap. And scooping the dog’s crap up.

9)  Jenny and I have actually both been struggling with this ungratefulness in our oldest children, and we’ve talked about it a lot.  However, we have no solutions. But maybe I’ll try making Kate scoop up dog crap and see if that helps.

10) And finally…I think I am getting grumpy in my old age or something, because this time around any benefit I might eventually get from this scenario  is vastly outweighed by the fact that I am extremely uncomfortable.

Don’t get a dog, cousin. Don’t. Get. A. Dog.

Love,

me

The feline that began my speedy decline...

Today I went shopping for supplies for Sophie’s birthday party.  She wants a Hello Kitty party, and thanks to all the other “fun moms” (I’m looking at YOU, Koproski, Berry, Loyd, and Perlow – and don’t even get me started on YOU, Princess Party Emmons) whose children’s parties Sophie has attended, the child now expects a pinata and goody bags at said party.  So, my years of being a super-cheap mom are OVER.

But I was okay with that, to a point, because you see, I had a Living Social voucher to a local party store, which I’d bought with credits I’d built up. It was valued at $30 so I thought, certainly I could get out of the party store only spending a few bucks.  So, even though every fiber of my being was screaming “NOOOOOOOOOO”, I purchased a Hello Kitty pinata for $20.  That’s right, I spent twenty bucks on PAPER that is going to get ripped to SHREDS before the party is over.   I also bought two packs of Hello Kitty plates, a pack of regular pink plates (for the grown-ups), a Hello Kitty banner, two packages of pink forks, and some wrapping paper.

My total before the voucher came to $57. FIFTY-SEVEN DOLLARS.  So I spent $27 out-of-pocket when I went in there expect to spend less than ten! What the crap?  Clearly I should have gotten into the “Party Store” business.  I didn’t even get party HATS, or a game!! Sheesh.

I bought goody bags and favors at the Dollar Tree. Much more my speed.  But since there are eleventy-billion kids coming to the mega party of the year, I still had to get a ton. Guess, what, if you are a boy, and you are coming to Sophie’s party, you are getting candy in your goody bag and that’s it!  Sorry, dudes.  The girls are getting a couple extra trinkets. Because there’s only 9 girls and there’s like, 678 boys attending.

But anyhoo. THE POINT IS:

I got my daughter a $20 pinata.  Because she really, really wanted it.  I would have rather spent another $20 on a gift for her but I caved.  I caved hard.

I might not be a “fun mom” yet…but I’m definitely more fun than I’ve ever been..by Joshua’s birthday in February I’ll probably have rented each of his party guests their own pony for a day.

HELP!!!  I’m slip-sliding away…

That’s right, for the next two weeks, I have to look at Joshua’s poop and write down my observations about it’s size, color, consistency, etc.

I love being a mom.  Really, this is the stuff I’ve always dreamed about.

But back to the asking a million questions part.  The doctor asked Joshua many, many questions that ended in the word, “poop”.

Does it hurt when you poop?

When you’re eating, do you feel like you have to poop?

Is there any blood on the toilet paper when you poop?

PoopPoopPoopPoopPoopPoopPoop?

Seriously, after the first question, it was all I could do to not burst out in an ugly, raspberry-esque hysterical laughter.  I had to bite the inside of my mouth and stare down at the top of my son’s head to keep from losing control.

Because there’s something about a learn-ed M.D. saying the word “poop” over and over that brings me to the basest level of immaturity possible.

I couldn’t breathe for a full 30 seconds after he’d said his last “poop” for fear of losing it.  And, since I’ve made a fool of myself in front of this doctor over bowel movements before, I really did not want to lose control.

But I was thisclose.

So, I think my much more solemn and mature husband should attend the follow-up appointment, don’t you?  Because since it is going to involve careful examination of aforementioned poop diary, I don’t think I can be trusted to hold it together.

What makes you giggle like a pre-adolescent boy?

(P.S. – POOP!!!! Made ya laugh!)

1) Lands’ End Long Sleeve Cotton Modal Crew Neck tee.

Emily claims these are the best tees EVER, and she has, like, TEN of them, but she won’t give me one, so YOU can give me one. Surprise me with the color! Thanks in advance!

2) Lands’ End Chalet Midshaft Boots. I NEEEEEEEEEED these, ok?  Please, make my dreams come true! Functional and gorgeous, I know it’s gonna snow a crapload again this winter and I neeeeeeeeeed these.  Size 7.5, Light Bark.

3) Lands’ End Cotton Cashmere Drape Cardigan sweater. I promise Lands’ End is not sponsoring this post, I just looove clothes and LE is pretty much all I wear. And I have a drape cardigan *obsession*.   And look at this one!! I want more than one.  Umm…Pewter Heather and Bright Teal Heather would work. Size small. Make it happen!

4) Dunkin’ Donuts -

We used to have a store near my house, but it was turned into a Cashland (how JANKY is that???) several years ago. Now Dunkin’ Donuts are my absolute FAVE, and I MISS them. There is a store near my OB-GYN so I treat myself to a Dunkin’ whenever I have an appointment, which is now just yearly since I got the ol’ tubes tied, so I really, really, really need someone to purchase and run a Dunkin’ Donuts franchise for me, and put it REAL near my house. PLEASE. You only turn 34 once.

5) A new living room furniture set.

Yo, my 11-year-old couch and love seat are worn out and SAD.  I got holes in my upholstery!  We took the matching chair to the dumpster last week!  So, it would make my birthday REALLY SPECIAL if you would buy me the EKTORP leather sofa, love seat, and chair from IKEA. Again, you only turn 34 once!!! And I needs somewheres to SIT!

So, today is Wednesday, and my birthday is Monday, September 5th. You got five days, my peeps!  And I’ve given you five fabulous ideas. (You’re welcome!) Let’s all work together to make the big 3-4 the best EVAH!

__________________

Oh by the way, no one sponsored this post and I’m totally kidding!  Um, and I also want one of EVERYTHING from Lands’ End Canvas! SO there’s another option….

Well.  Apparently I was correct.

Because I had two very important doctor’s appointments yesterday, one for me and one for Sophie (what is it with our school district wanting yearly physicals done on the DOT? GEEZ!), so of course, sheets and sheets and sheets of ice began raining down from the heavens in the early morning.

School was cancelled, my appointments were cancelled, lots of businesses closed, and the ice kept a-comin’.

In the evening, a power transformer blew up in the suburb where Cortney lives.  Sorry, Kettering.  I didn’t mean to.  I just wanted to go to the doctor!  For my 6-week check-up!  (Because I may or may not need a little repair work on my incision, but that’s a whole other post [that you probably don't want to read]).

This morning our local newspaper says 55,000 of our local power company’s customers are without power.  Our lights flickered last night about 9 pm and I freaked.  I ran for the matches and the candles and fretted that Sophie was really not wearing very warm PJs.  I could not fall asleep because I was so worried about the power.  My friend Shannon was texting me about trees falling down at her neighbor’s, perilously close to her own house.  My mom called to say that BOTH my elderly grandmother’s homes were without power.

Now we are on day 2 of no school (and we were pretty stir crazy by noon yesterday so I’m really looking forward to this!) and my yard looks like a skating rink (I should put my iPod on the front porch and charge $2 for admission) so I guess we’re in for the duration.

I’m hoping to get out tomorrow, because I’ve rescheduled my doctor appointment for then.  And Sophie’s for Friday.  Which probably means we’ll have 10 inches of snow by noon tomorrow.  But you know, I had to try.

I’m SORRY, Miami Valley!  In advance.

Because every time I freaking have somewhere to GO, it flippin’ dumps snow all over the place up in here!

Today, I had Jonah’s 4-week check up appointment AND Sophie’s first-ever dentist appointment, so I was out on these hazardous roads because neither was something I could really re-schedule (Sophie had to have  a dental exam within 60 days of enrolling in preschool. It’s like day 51.  Thankyouverymuch.)

A couple of weeks ago when I pulled a muscle in my incision area and thought I was going to die, I had to drive to the doctor in a snowstorm because I was in so much pain I was not gonna cancel that appointment.

And a month ago, the day before Jonah was born, I also had to drive to the  doctor for myself in the worst snowstorm thus far, so that they could tell me my blood pressure was too high (because I almost DIED 50 times on the way there!) and that I needed to have the baby the next day.

So clearly, every time I have an appointment, it is going to be like the Arctic in my ‘hood.

So please watch out next Tuesday (hair and brows),  Feb 10th (Sophie’s actual dental cleaning), and Feb. 17th (Jonah’s  8 week check-up.)  Those days are gonna SUCK.

You’ve been warned!