Sunday morning Emily and I got up at 4:30 a.m. to catch a flight home from Mom 2.0 Summit.  It was brutal.  We arrived home about 12:30, though, which was nice. Since what can go wrong will go wrong when mom’s away, Bobby had gotten sick Saturday night while I was gone.  So, his planned trip to the store to get a few things we were out of didn’t happen.  Since we were out of milk, bread, and bananas, I decided to run out to Aldi about 4:30 Sunday afternoon. (Because Aldi was a Mom 2.0 sponsor, and their prices are amazing!)  But when I went out to my van, I was greeted with two police cars blocking my driveway. What the what?  There was also an SUV parked right behind the police cars, and an officer was talking to 3 adults, two women  & a man – there were also FOUR kids in the car, including a baby.

Bobby had come outside with me and almost immediately we heard “Joseph Albertson! The house is surrounded! Please come out with your hands up!”  We peered down the street and there was another police car and a cop with a bullhorn three doors down. Well, YEE-HA!  Just another Sunday afternoon in the city!

Naturally, Bobby and I turned on the Wii for the big kids so they wouldn’t notice the drama. Then, we pulled up chairs on our front porch and sat back to watch the drama.

The cop with the civilians was literally RIGHT in front of our porch.  From the conversation we surmised they lived in the house or were related to the person that was being sought.  The man was on the phone trying to make arrangements for someone to come get the kids.  I felt so sorry for those kids.  The younger woman was yelling at them a lot and using the “F” word.  Lovely. I know it’s a high-stress situation, but geez.  It was really hot so I went in and got a box of Capri Sun and took it out to the woman, but she declined, saying the kids were leaving soon.  Fortunately, they were all soon escorted away.

By this time they had completely closed off our block so we definitely knew I was not getting out to the grocery anytime soon.  I wasn’t too thrilled but I figured this wouldn’t take too long.  Soon, I’d have my bread and milk, and anti-fungal cream for Jonah’s wicked diaper rash he had developed while I was gone? Right?

Then, we heard the cop tell the people on our sidewalk that SWAT and the Hostage Negotiation Team were coming. WHEEEEE!

It didn’t take long.

Soon this was the scene across the street from our house!

Soon there were SWAT guys with assault rifles all over the place.  They were being very stealthy – jumping over fences, creeping through alleys, etc.  All this time, the policeman with the bullhorn was constantly calling the guy to come out.  Bobby and I could see a news camera crew down the street filming the action.  He and I were constantly updating our FB statuses, and I was tweeting and instagramming the drama.  And also, after about two hours, I was complaining HEAVILY about not being able to get to the store!

At one point a SWAT team member, or HNT member, dropped an orange box right in front of our sidewalk.  I was all…umm…I hope that thing’s not going to blow up!  Luckily my friend Jen, whose husband is on the HNT, told me that’s the “jump phone” they use to talk to the perpetrator.  From online news reports, we found out the guy was wanted on a domestic violence charge, and was believed to be holed up in the house with an automatic weapon.

At some point we went in and made the kids dinner, then after that we let Joshua and Sophie continue to play Wii so they would not know that their were men with assault weapons right outside the house (they remained clueless throughout. We turned up the TV so they wouldn’t hear the bullhorn.)

But since we are super-stellar parents, we took Jonah out on the porch with us and let him swing on his baby swing so we could keep watching the drama!

So we were just sitting there minding the SWAT team’s business, when all of a sudden a stealthy SWAT guy crept up right next to our porch! I didn’t even hear him but Bobby pointed him out to me. So, I did what any good blogger will do:

photo heavily edited to *try* and hide the fact that I had been up for like 14 hours and had no makeup on.

LOOK AT HIM SMILING!!! HE LOVES IT!

I wasn’t as stealthy as him, because he saw me take the pic and said. “Don’t you go putting that on YouTube.”

No worries, dude.  But you didn’t say anything about MAH BLOG!

Soon after this, things stopped getting fun.  The bullhorn kept going.  At one point they blared the SWAT truck’s sirens (it was on this guy’s front lawn at this point) really loudly for a really LONG time to try to get him to come out.

It got late. I still didn’t have any groceries.  Jonah’s biscuits were still burning and he needed that diaper rash cream!

We put the kids to bed.  It took forever.  At one point I went out and saw the SWAT guys all in a row, with their shields up, in tight formation – it looked like they were ready to go in and get that guy!

But then nothing.

And about 45 minutes later, the trucks packed up and left.  Huh?  Bobby finally got out to the store after 10 to get us a few things, and I went to bed.

Then I woke up to news reports the next morning that THE GUY WASN’T EVEN IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHAT?????  I don’t know how he got out but he wasn’t there.  He ended up calling police from a location several miles away and turning himself in without incident.

After holding my neighbors and us hostage for over FIVE HOURS!   Ugh.

If he moves back to the house three doors down after he gets of jail, I am totally leaving a bag of flaming poop on his porch!

That's not creepy at all.

Sadly, I have finished every available episode of Toddlers and Tiaras on Netflix. {Sad face.}  I must confess, I loved every. single. minute.  I can’t wait until the next season is available on Netflix!

I wasn’t just entertained by T&T, I was educated.  And because I love you, my dear readers, so very much, I am going to share with you, the top ten gems of knowledge I gleaned from three heart-stopping seasons of Toddlers & Tiaras.  Here goes!

1) If your daughter’s name is Kayleigh (many, many spellings), Kylee, or anything that rhymes with those two names, she will do well in pageants. Keep that in mind, pregos of the world.

2) People who like to put their daughters in pageants also like to give their daughters crazy-a$$ names like “Cealy” and “Salee” (pronounced See-lee and Say-lee). (These two girls were of course BEST FRIENDS, also.) Listen people, if “Cealy” or “Salee” was not your mother’s maiden name, or your maiden name, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS NAMING YOUR KID THAT. It’s just ridiculous. Quit making up names!  (I’m talking to you, mother of Sparkal Queenz.)

3) Many three-year-old “divas” will scream and cry when you glue fake eyelashes onto them and pierce their scalps with hairpins. WEIRD!!  Also, they don’t like getting their eyebrows plucked.  Wusses.

4) Pageant moms are either a) crazy b) their child’s slaves or c) living vicariously through their daughters.  Although I am not sure why they would want to wear a short, 70-pound dress covered in heavy stones with six petticoats, a weave, fake eyelashes, and fake teeth, but…THEY DO.

5) If you let your four-year-old throw screaming fits during her sessions with her pageant coach and use a pacifier, she will NOT do well in pageants.  But, she will still be your princess.  And, her failure to succeed will always be the judges fault.

6) If you dress your daughter like a slutty pop star for the talent competition, she will do well.  Even if she is a two-year-old in a Madonna-esque cone bra bustier.  Yay for YOU!

7) Spray tanning a dancing four-year-old is “challenging”.

8 ) When a pageant mom sees her five-year-old onstage dressed up like a twenty-five-year-old (in a short dress), she will cry. Because apparently that’s touching?

9) Every pageant mom thinks her daughter stands out in a crowd because of her “personality”. Every. Last. One.  Also, their personalities all SHINE when they’re onstage. SHINE, I tell you!

10) All the judges are looking for the “total package”.  What is the total package?  It’s like, the total package. DUH.

Share the wealth! What have YOU learned from watching all those pageant princesses?