You see, Thursday we’re flying to Miami. And Sunday we’re flying home.

Which means, chemicals are in order.

Jenny is a bit of a nervous flyer. She’s also nervous about:

– Missing our flight out of Dayton. Because, you know… well, I don’t know what could possibly happen to cause that, but whatever.
– Missing our connection out of Atlanta. We have an hour and 45 minutes between flights, and both are Delta so I’d imagine the gates are both in concourse B. (ATL and I are going to be BFF after this week is over, as I will have been there four times in 11 days.)
– Our luggage not arriving. I would say this is #1 on Jenny’s “things to freak out about” list. Basically, I think, because our luggage will contain our new fabulous Lands’ End wardrobes. And let’s face it, losing them would be tragic. However I don’t think it’s likely to happen!
– Missing the Mom 2.0 White Party. Again, not sure what she thinks might happen, but believe me she is all hyped up about it.
– (This one might be my favorite.) A super-awesome person might ask Jenny to go on a photo walk, and Jenny won’t have anything to wear because all our LE clothes are dresses. Do not ask me how she dreamed that one up, but she was serious enough about it that she ordered a pair of LE shorts just in case.

What am I missing, Jen?

On the other hand, my list of much-more-reasonable stressors is as follows (shockingly, most are of the social variety):
– Flying with Jenny. Fortunately, thanks to my stint in first class last week, I know that Delta serves vodka tonics. $7 a pop will be well worth it.
– Hugging. I am so socially awkward that I never know when hugging is appropriate and when it’s not. Basically I never initiate hugs and then look like a jerk. Or at least I think I do.
– People we don’t know not understanding that Jenny really does not take herself seriously. You see, she’s posted things like “I think I’m hilarious” and “I don’t know if you all have heard, I mean, you MAY have missed it but I think I’ve mentioned once or twice that Emily and I? Are FREAKING FABULOUS!” and whatnot and shameless self-promotion (even though she’s joking!) makes me nervous! But Jenny is about 1000 times less socially awkward than I am, so I’m sure it’ll all work out for her and she’ll have 45 new BFFs before the weekend is over.
– Elevators. Jenny. Enough said.

So, yeah. Can I borrow your Xanax?

I just discovered it a few days ago and since then I’ve been obsessively having lots of fun playing with Tela and Celia.

I am really, really good at this game.

I mean, look at the picture I drew for Celia!

Celia decided this gem needed to be shared with the world, so she posted it to my facebook profile. Much hilarity and making-fun-of-Emily ensued. I didn’t want all of you to miss out on the fun, so I thought I’d share it here as well.

Who wants to play against me? I am willing to share my awesomeness. I invited Jenny to play but so far she hasn’t accepted. I don’t know why. She must be intimidated by my talent.

Oh, btw, the drawing up there? The word was pregnant. Get your minds out of the gutter!

So, of course, Jenny and I want to jump on the bandwagon too. I mean, we know… stuff about… stuff, right? That’s why we’re bloggers! In any case, we’ve been throwing around a few ideas and wanted to get your feedback on which one you think we should publish.

Without further ado… our tickets to fame and fortune!

So what do you think? Which one should we go for? I’m leaning toward the sideshow freaks one myself, but I don’t want to hurt Jenny’s feelings. You know how sensitive I am toward her! Hey… that could be another topic. “Why Making Fun of Others is Actually Good for Them (and will make you laugh, too).”

The possibilities are endless.

Anyway.

One such IM conversation took place today, and while I don’t think Jenny so much as cracked a smile, I literally had tears rolling down my face – so, much to Jenny’s horror, I’m sharing our convo with you.

For background – yesterday Jenny randomly texted me with information (TMI, to be exact) regarding the lengths she was going to to cure a malady in her eye. I’ll let her tell y’all about that one. Let’s just say she must have been really sick of wearing glasses.

Which brings me to our chat today.

Emily says: yo
Jenny says: yodude
Emily says: what’s up?
Jenny says: getting ready for Joshua’s PT conference
Emily says: oh nice
Jenny says: whats up w/ you?
Emily says: um just trying to think of something to post
Jenny says: post about how my eye is not any better and I’m FREAKING OUT
Emily says: i don’t even know what’s wrong with your eye. take a picture, send it to me and i’ll write a post about it. for real
Jenny says: it’s like pink eye under my iris. I have been taking antibiotic dropsleft over from when Sophie had it, for like well thisis the third day but only once today so far and no better and I am SICK OF GLASSES. let me take a pic. eh i totally cant get a pictue
Emily says: use the xoom
Jenny says: i tried
Emily says: boo
Jenny says: i can’t see well enough w/out my glasses and i have to pull the botton of my eye down so you can see it. can’t do all that and get a pic! argh
Emily says: you have problems
Jenny says: ooh i just had joshua help me and I got it. but it is SO unattractive I would never ever let it be publisehd!
Emily says: SEND IT TO ME
Jenny says: emily, it’sthe ugliest thing ever, i would rather have another swimsuit photo
Emily says: which means it will make the post funny
Jenny says: my nose looks like Blossom’s it’s so close range
Emily says: SEND IT, Amy Farrah Fowler
Jenny says: FINE. as Sophie would say. but you OWE ME
Emily says: omg I am dying laughing already and i haven’t even seen it
Jenny says: seriously, just crop my eye. also i look like i have a moustache. good lighting

Emily says: omg i am about to choke to death on an orange
Jenny says: grrreeeeeeeeat. well, I am goig to be very relaxed in joshua’s conference while my mugshot hits the net
Emily says: stop, i am going to hyperventilate
Jenny says: well i am glad to entertain you. meanwhile I am in a panic about how to get my eye better so I can wear contacts and mascara again. oh geez that was quotable
Emily says: oh this whole conversation is quotable
Jenny says: seriously, though doesnt it seem like if you give your kids antibiotic drops they get better like instantly?
Emily says: yes but did it occur to you that you are using medication prescribed to treat what sophie had but not necessarily what you have?
Jenny says: yes but its just pink eye!
Emily says:how do you know?
Jenny says:because i’ve GOOGLED
Emily says: Maybe it’s… I don’t know.
Jenny says: duh. geez. and it’s only in one spot. it’s weird
Emily says: well you certainly cured my writer’s block.
Jenny says: arrgh yw
Emily says: maybe you busted a blood vessel
Jenny says: i will probably have to drag my ass to the dr.
Emily says: your eye isn’t goopy
Jenny says: well it looks thick like pink eye does
Emily says: what do you mean, thick?
Jenny says: like the cornea just looks thicker where it’s red. that’s what it looked like last time Joshua had it, which was in the spring sometime. his wasn’t goopy either. so this looks like tht to me. but of course, I am not a dr. ok my mom is here and I have to fly out the door! love you. don’t make me not love you anymore
Emily says: you’ll always love me
*****
The end.

Ok perhaps something was lost in the translation, but it was hilarious. HILARIOUS, I tell you. It’s not that I don’t take her and her little eye issue seriously, it’s just that… Well, ok. I don’t take it very seriously. Jenny tends to overreact, you know. She’s not calm and rational like I am.

I mean, Sam had an eye thing the other day, and did I freak out?

Hmm… now that you mention it, I did. That picture up there? I put it on Facebook. And tweeted it. And googled it. And what do you know, the interwebz diagnosed him with a stye and/or cellulitis. Which I then googled and found pictures like this.

And also discovered that cellulitis can result in anything from a MRSA or staph infection to meningitis. (Or it could be treated by 10-days of antibiotics and be gone within 48 hours. But at the time I thought the likelihood of those other things was much higher.)

So perhaps Jenny is right in flipping out about her antibiotic-resistant self-diagnosed pink eye.

We wouldn’t want her to end up looking like this.

P. S. Jenny did not confirm the fact that she’ll always love me. However, I know she will because she does not want to be responsible for this blog all by herself.

Sophie started preschool.

Jenny’s started focusing on doing one thing at a time.

Jonah was born.

And that’s just part of the list.

So those things on their own seem pretty innocuous, right? Positive changes, even.

But I am here to tell you that the combination of these tweaks in Jenny’s daily life have had a DISASTROUS effect.

On me.

Before Jenny started all this “good mom” business, I could get in touch with her just about any time I wanted to. She was always a tweet/IM/email/text away. And she RESPONDED to me instantly. INSTANTLY, I tell you.

Now? Not so much.

I’ve been noticing this for a while… the breakdown in the unwritten constant-contact clause in our contract. It’s been gradual, happening so slowly in a time that we’re both so busy that we’ve not had time to think much about it.

But today was different.

Today, I didn’t communicate with Jenny once.

No emails, no tweets, no IMs, no DMs, no PMs, no texts, no phone calls, no facebook status updates, no smoke signals.

Nothing.

I am NOT amused. And really, I don’t think the universe appreciates being so out of balance. So Jenny, I’m sure no one would mind if you dropped this real life crap and got back to having your laptop as an extension of your arms.

Seriously, Cousin, it’s time to prioritize.

At the time I was in high school and thought that was a classic case of “be careful what you wish for.” I mean, I was more than slightly nerdy. I was the president of the marching band, for the love of God.

Now, though, I have a different perspective and completely understand where they were coming from. Being popular or in the in-crowd is a pretty loaded proposition and comes with a lot of pressure. (Or so I’ve heard.)

Her words stuck with me and I now share that wish for my own kids. However, for the last few years I’ve had the nagging feeling that maybe the dorkiness thing wouldn’t work out for Kate. I worried that because she is so pretty, so smart, and so outgoing, that – despite family tradition and a strong genetic predisposition – she might not have any nerd in her.

I was wrong.

My first hint that things might be going my way happened the other night when I walked in her room to find her reading a bedtime story and marking typos with a red pen.

Tears of pride, people. Tears of pride.

But I have to tip my hat to my husband, who recently solidified her membership into the dork club for life.

He made her a Star Wars fan.

It all started about a month ago, when Andy was home with the kids on what seemed like an endless run of snow days. They were all bored, so he took the opportunity to introduce the kids to Star Wars movies, and when that went well he brought out the big guns – the boxes (and boxes and boxes) of Star Wars paraphernalia (1976-present) that had been living in our garage (and now live in our basement. yay.).

The kids are hooked.

Now I am constantly getting hit with light sabers and hearing fascinating conversations that start out “Daddy, who was See See Tin’s padawan?” It is seriously all I can do not to yell out “WHO CARES???”

My eyes are sore from all the rolling.

My worries about Kate not being dorky enough??

Gone.

Frankly, “band nerd” is the best-case scenario at this point.

Jenny has graciously invited me to be there for his birth. I got chills when I typed that! I am so excited.

I feel like I need a purpose in the delivery room though. Bobby will be taking care of Jenny. Jenny will be, um, strapped to an operating table. The doctors and nurses will be doing their things. Unless they really let me tie Jenny’s tubes (I’m kidding, people), I’m just going to be standing there in the way.

To solve this problem, I have appointed myself Jenny’s doula.

She doesn’t know this yet, but I think it’s a great plan. I don’t exactly know how to be a doula, but I have a couple months yet to figure it all out. I figured I might as well get started on my research, though, so I googled “c-section doula” and came up with a description of what a doula does during the procedure on BirthingGently.com.

Here we go.

The Scheduled Cesarean Section
You may wonder why a Birth Doula would be helpful for a scheduled cesarean section (C-section). Take a moment to consider the relationship you have established with your Birth Doula (Jenny and I go WAY back, this is perfect!). You have built a trustful relationship with your Doula as you have prepared for your birth. Some women feel anxiety over the thought of surgery (Jenny? Anxiety?? Not likely). Your Birth Doula takes time during the prenatal visit and throughout the prenatal period through close phone and email conversation (Yes! We are in constant contact. Not necessarily about birth…) to review and work with you to help reduce your anxiety before your delivery (My advice? Pre-natal Paxil. Getcha some). Our Doulas use a six week relaxation program prior to your delivery date (sounds like a good excuse to go get manis and pedis to me. But I am not shaving Jenny’s legs for her in preparation), this relaxation program helps to reduce stress and anxiety brought about by the upcoming birth (for some mothers this may include working though some birth tramua brought on by a previous birth) (Um yeah, that might be applicable). She can educate you about some aspects of surgical birth and aid in formulating a birth plan (Birth plan: Get some drugs and let the doc grab that baby right out. Voila.). It is very important to review the birth plan with your health care provider in advance so your Birth Doula’s presence during the delivery will be planned for and expected (Jenny and I share the same OB/Gyn and I would like to see the look on her face if I went in her office with Jenny declaring I am now a doula). The final decision and permission for the Birth Doula’s attendance at the delivery is made by the anesthesiologist (I hope she gets Dr. Bob – we bonded during my epidurals, he’ll totally let me in). Birth Doula services provided by Birthing Gently are offered at a reduced fee for scheduled cesarean sections (My services are FREE!). Your Doula will be with you in the pre-op area before the surgery, and once regional anesthesia is placed, she will remain with you in the operating room during the delivery (where’s the part about her tying your tubes?). She has been educated about C-sections and will be able to provide you with details as needed (Something more than “Holy crap, that’s what a fallopian tube looks like??? I can see your uterus!”). Everyone will be busy during the procedure; the surgeon and assistants will be performing the surgery, the nurses will be preparing the room for the baby, and your partner will be with you during the procedure and may go to the warmer to greet your delivered baby (again, no need for a random cousin, which is why I am now a doula). Your Doula will be at your side to help you deal with some of the physical and emotional challenges during surgery (Hmm… I might leave that to Bobby). She can also remind the staff of any special requests you might have (“The tubes! If you forget to tie the tubes, she is going to be pissed.”). If you desire, she can take photographs, particularly after the baby is born (Now THIS I can do. I can even upload them to facebook as we go). Once you are moved into recovery, your Doula will remain with you until you are transferred to the postpartum floor (usually about 2 hours) (But I’m out if you start having bowel trouble, for realz). If you are planning to breastfeed and your baby is with you, your Doula can assist you in getting the baby latched on correctly (I can do that! But since she’s already nursed for a total of like 63 months, I think she’ll probably be good).

This doula stuff? Nothing to it!

If Jenny’s not on board with this, though, I am going to need a back up plan.

Let’s see… if I can’t be a doula, what could I do? Hmm… I’ve got it!

I will VLOG.

That’s right, I am registered for a half marathon. The mere fact of that boggles my mind. The only reason I signed up? The opportunity to go to WDW for the weekend – sans kids – with my husband and four good friends… and the fact that it’s called the “Wine & Dine” marathon. Because really, I love Disney and I love to wine and dine.

But run?

My friends, I am not a runner. Running is not inherent for me the way it is for others… like my husband, for example. We’ve been training for this thing for about 10 weeks, and with the exception of our last long run (a 10-miler), he’s pushed Sam in the jogging stroller the whole time.

And he still laps me.

I am a slow runner, but with the help of this 1/2 marathon training plan and Jeff Galloway’s run/walk method, I’ve completed the training. Now, all that’s left is actually doing it.

And doing it in the time frame required by the race officials.

So. That’s why this could be my last post ever – whether or not I survive this race debacle remains to be seen.

The race starts tomorrow at 10:00 p.m. (Yes, p.m. Because doing it in the morning like a regular race wouldn’t be challenging enough for me. heh). After it’s over, we’re going to party like it’s 1999 at Epcot, which is open to race participants until 3 a.m.

I’ve heard there will be tequila.

Again, if I live to tell about this it will be a miracle.

Stay tuned.

Which lead us to have this conversation via IM (and since we think we are hilarious, we’re posting it):

Emily says:
did you like my comment on your post?
Jenny says:
yes, we really do need to explore that option!
Emily says:
i mean really, i’m pretty sure we’d be the most famous bloggers ever if I could get bobby to hold the video camera while I tied your tubes.
Jenny says:
that is sooo bad!! no offense but could you take a crash course first?
Emily says:
sure. I will find a youtube video.
Jenny says:
oh Lord! are you cool with blood? i don’t want you passing out before you finish the job!
Emily says:
hmm… I don’t know. I’ve never really been presented with a sliced-open body part before. But there’s only one way to find out.
Jenny says:
can you like do some experiements in a lab or something?
Emily says:
good idea. maybe i can take a summer sprint course in tube tying
how hard could it be?
Jenny says:
seriously you can tie a knot, right?
Emily says:
I’ve been tying my shoes for years.
Jenny says:
innards, shoestrings, its all the same
Emily says:
totes

True story.

Anyway, I always like an excuse to link up to Oh Amanda’s Top Ten Tuesday, so here are my top ten favorite search terms that have recently landed people on our little blog. Here we go.

10. “April fool‘s kids fake strawberry cake.” Cake is not a joking matter!

9. “Baby peanut butter poo.” I can’t figure out which post this lead to, but I am 100% sure it was written by Jenny. (edited to add – I just figured it out, and of course it led to this post by the one and only Jenny Rapson.)

8. “Babywearing hemmroids.” Two words – spell check! Also, do you suppose that person meant that a baby was wearing hemorrhoids or that baby-wearing causes hemorrhoids? I recommend Motrin. Heh.

7. “Matching easter dresses for moms and daughters” and “sexy easter dresses.” Frankly, I’m not sure which one is more disturbing.

6. “How to answere the question biblically on how babies get into the mommy;s tummy.” Again, spell check, people! And secondly? Don’t come to us for sex ed.

5. “I accidentally hit my dog and he suddenly pukes.” Sounds like a serious problem. Maybe he was involved in this other search term – “Girls ipecac puke party.”

4. “Figure skating crotch hand,” “female olympic figure skaters crotch photos” and numerous other variations of the same idea drew a lot of people here. Something tells me my post wasn’t what they were hoping to find.

3. “Birth control makes me rage,” “birth control pills anger,” “birth control pills make me crazy,” and “the pill made me fat.” All of the above.

2. The most popular topic of the week – unfriending. “Why are people unfriending me on facebook,” “my child unfriended me on facebook,” “can my sibling unfriend me on facebook,” “should i unfriend relatives on facebook,” “how to handle in-law friend requests on fb,” and “can i unfriend my mother in law from facebook,” which was obviously searched by the same person who later searched for “facebook unfriending repercussions.”

And finally…

1. “Poop pants wii bowling.” Jenny, I’m going to let you take that one.