I cannot – cannot – manage to get out of the house on time in the mornings. Yes, part of my issues would be resolved if I abandoned the snooze button, but some of it is not my fault! I swear, the universe conspires against me. The most random and annoying things happen to me in the morning.

Don’t believe me?

Take a look at how this morning started off.

What is that, you ask? It is the vent cover from my kitchen floor, stuck to the heel of my shoe. Or, I suppose, it originated with the heel of my shoe getting caught in the vent cover, but when I lifted my foot the vent came with it.

It was nearly impossible to get out, which cost me time and also left a big scratch on my new Tom Madden heels.

Yay.

THEN, as if I wasn’t running late enough, I get in my car and am greeted with this.

Although I really can’t say this issue delayed me any because even though my car was CLEARLY out of gas and even though my commute is 30+ miles AND even though I travel with a three year old in tow, I decided to take my chances.

I coasted into the office on fumes, but I made it.

However, not five seconds after walking in the door, I tripped over my own feet and somehow this was the result.

Not only did I use the heel of my shoe to rip a giant hole in my tights, I managed to cut my leg. So, I showed up to a staff meeting in bare legs (in January, may I remind you) BLEEDING. (Thank you Baby Jesus that I had shaved my legs on Saturday. Yes that was 48 hours prior but that is better than 48 days, which is an entirely possible scenario.)

So, let’s review the take-aways from this story.

I should:
A) Never pack my lunch for work, because when I do, I step backwards from the refrigerator and get my heel caught in the vent;
B) Never where four-inch heels;
C) Disregard the gas light warning, because clearly it doesn’t really mean empty;
D) Make it a policy to shave at least once a week, on the off chance I have to throw away my tights;
E) Realize that D is highly unlikely and just wear pants at all times.

At least it was a learning experience.

It didn’t take long for me to second-guess that decision.

Along the way, I’ve moaned and whined about the entire experience, and you’ve all been there for me. Seriously, the comments on the posts I linked to above? Made me tear up a little.

Despite all my complaining, I managed to finish my coursework in the spring of 2010. A year and a half ago. Since then, the only thing standing between me and the hood I’ve envied for so long was one little thing – my thesis.

I’ve worried about it, put it off, and generally felt bad about it for so long…

But I am so relieved to report that it. Is. Finished.

Not just written – defended. And I passed.

I cannot tell you how glad I am that this thing is over and how much I appreciate your support throughout the whole debacle.

Now, I am going to sleep. (Yes it is 7p.m., what’s your point?)

Tomorrow, I move on with my life.

Most of the time, this stuff worries me when I don’t have the opportunity to do anything about it – when I’m laying in bed at night, or when I’m at work. Why? Because I suck.

Anyway, every once in a while when I do have a semi-rational thought, it occurs to me that maybe, just maybe, I might be stressing out about things that don’t need to be priorities. But then I think that’s a cop out and I really just need to get some shit done.

So. Here’s my list. At least here’s what I can think of right now. I’m sure there’s more.

– I need to find an organizational system for our kitchen. Piles of papers on the counter make me crazy.
– I need to hook up the super awesome printer I bought, I don’t know, probably six months ago. It’s been sitting in a corner since then.
– I need to clean out my closet and move summer stuff downstairs.
– I need to change the batteries in the smoke detectors.
– I need to pack better lunches for Kate.
– I need to get up earlier.
– I need to eat breakfast.
– I need to lose 7 pounds.
– I need to clean out the room in our basement that could be on an episode of Hoarders.
– I need to organize our digital pictures.
– I need to cook dinner wayyyyyy more than I do.
– I need to drink more water.
– I need to keep my car cleaner.
– I need to organize my desk.

Each of those things have just about equal importance in my mind, and I berate myself equally for not doing each of them.

So, friends, do you have a list like this? What’s on it?

And for the love of God, what should I do first?

I am so tired of being so tired.

Can I get an amen?

I know you’re all in the same boat with me and I shouldn’t complain, because really I have it good… but today I’m having a hard time looking on the bright side.

I’m tired of staying up too late. I’m tired of not being able to get out of bed on time. I’m tired of getting myself and two kids out the door every morning. I’m tired of my 40 minute commute. I’m tired of evenings being rushed. I’m tired of being late for everything. I’m tired of having so many balls in the air. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not doing a good job at anything. I’m tired of being in a seemingly-never-ending funk.

I don’t know what my problem is, but I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be this way. But I’m not sure how to fix it.

More specifically, do people remember things that happened when they were three and a half?

My sister was born when I was 21 months old and I have one memory of that event, so I guess I can answer my own question. Which means only one thing.

Sam is going to need therapy.

You see, Tuesday morning I had a doctor appointment – my annual visit to see the ob/gyn. It was early, I was going to head straight to work after it, and for the sake of convenience and because I didn’t have tons of other options, I took Sam with me. I brought my iPad, a couple smart phones, and told him to sit quietly.

I didn’t give it a whole lot of thought while it was all taking place, but now I am worried that it may have traumatized him – or, more accurately, will traumatize him in the future when he looks back on the time he said “Mommy, why are you naked?” and then proceeded to chat about dressing up like Captain America for Halloween while the doc was doing her thing.

This is not going to be good, people.

I mean, imagine if your husband had memories of seeing his mom get a pap smear.

**shudder**

Yeah. So if Sam catches The Gay, we’ll know why.

Last week, when I picked Sam up from school, I asked his teacher how his day went, as I do every day. She responded that he had a good day, and she does every day. But then she threw a zinger at me.

“I did have one question for you,” she said. “Does Sam know his letters and numbers?”

Sam’s three and a half. He’s been recognizing and pointing out the letters in his name when he sees them around, and I thought that was a pretty good development. Other than that, I hadn’t given it any thought.

Until that moment.

As I stumbled around for an answer, the teacher continued, “When I ask him, he doesn’t seem to know them, other than the letters in his name, and I wasn’t sure if he was just being silly or what. He’s so smart, I figured that he’d know them already. Does he know them when you work on them at home?”

When we, uh, work on them? At home?

CRAP.

Teaching him letters and numbers had not crossed my mind. (I can’t believe I am admitting that.)

The kid has known the entire St. Louis Cardinals line up since he was barely two, and he can recite Star Wars and/or Lord of the Rings characters or plot lines in his sleep.

He is smart. I really didn’t think I needed to teach him stuff.

Needless to say, after that conversation with his teacher, I immediately freaked out and determined I had ruined his academic future. As I drove home, I made a mental list of all the things I needed to google – methods, apps, flashcards, you name it – to get him back on track.

I broke the news that Sam was academically challenged to his dad gently when we got home. Andy said, “She wants him to know his letters and numbers? I’ll teach them to him by tomorrow.”

Then he broke out a pen and paper and started to drill Sam. I hadn’t even googled anything yet! He wasn’t even using the iPad! I was appalled.

Until I realized that Sam was indeed learning his letters and numbers right there on the spot.

So there, preschool teacher.

Anywho, this is a long and belabored way to get to the point – Andy’s old fashioned method actually did work, but I’m still on the look out for toys/videos/apps/games that will reinforce his letter/number knowledge.

So, readers, what worked for you and your kids? How can I get Sam back on the right academic track before he becomes a preschool slacker?

Pretty much sums it up, don’t you think?

While I thought that entire video was food for thought, the part that stuck out to me most was the idea of eliminating negative energy.

Ironically, in the middle of writing that sentence, my computer decided to shut down, which resulted in a WHOLE BUNCH of negative energy spewing from my pores.

See? I’m not very good at this. I’m not exactly known for my optimism. I remember an elementary school teacher pointing out my pessimistic nature – a self-esteem booster, for sure!

Eliminating – or even reducing – negative energy. Is that possible? Are we each in charge of deciding whether or not we surround ourselves with positive energy?

That is an awful lot of responsibility. And effort.

But imagine the difference it could make.

So what do you think? Is the energy around us something we can control? And if so, how do we do it?

(Note to self: Buy a huge chalk board. And develop nice handwriting.)

And this:

That one is similar to what I attempted to create last year during the Advent season.

Anyway, I pinned those and a variety of other crafts and activities and thought they were fab ideas… and then we got busy with work and swim team and life and I didn’t do anything with them.

I remembered them today, and then promptly had an anxiety attack (I wish I was kidding) about whether or not Andy and I are exposing our kids to enough experiences and activities. This led to me to creating an excel spreadsheet in my head about what we had done this summer and what other things we should do – and what categories each of those would fall under (nature, travel, physical activity, etc.). What?!? You know I am a dork.

Anyway, I’m about to make my list and I need to know what to put on there.

So, what have you and your kids done this summer? What else do you have planned? What things do you wish you were going to do?

Yeah, I am having one of those moments right now.

It’s 4:21 a.m. and I’ve been up for about an hour and a half. My alarm is going to go off an hour and a half from now, and I have an extremely busy day at work tomorrow (today, I suppose) which will be capped off by a swim meet in the evening.

I really need to get some sleep. So why am I up?

I’ve been laying in bed worrying about everything under the sun. Some things are real, relevant concerns, some things are illogical and unlikely and not worth losing sleep over.

Most of all, I’m so worried about not getting any sleep that I can’t sleep.

I think I might finally be cracking up.

So, I guess I’ll head off to bed once again and add “probably cracking up” to my list of things to worry about.

In no particular order…

I was going to title this post “random” something or other but since I tend to massively overuse that word, I clicked over to thesaurus.com to find something else. One synonym was “aimless,” so I went with that, not because it necessarily represented what I was trying to communicate but because it made me think of the song “Aimless Love” by my very favorite singer/songwriter, John Prine. And thinking of him reminded me that we are going to see him in DAYTON, OHIO in just a couple weeks, and I am extremely excited about it. I bought tickets months ago as an early birthday present to myself. Other birthday presents to myself will include fresh highlights and maybe a pedicure.

Speaking of birthdays, our crazy insane birthMONTH concludes on Saturday with Kate’s party at the skating rink. I finally got around to scheduling it, but I’ve yet to actually invite anyone. This morning, I tried to find the invitations I bought but I think I must have thrown them away with the Easter candy wrappers when I put together the kids’ baskets. So yeah, this could be a problem. #momfail

In other random news, I’m trying to plan our summer vacation but I can’t make any decisions, mostly because I can’t find the time to research anything thoroughly and omg it’s almost MAY and I don’t know where we are going.

Ugh my anxiety levels are skyrocketing just talking about it.

We had such a great time in Michigan last year that we want to go back there, but we’re not sure if we should go to the exact same place, or try something new. Really, the Tamarack Lodge would be hard to beat. But I think the Inn at Bay Harbor looks pretty amazing, although I haven’t actually looked into availability or pricing. Any suggestions?

Right now I just want to be anywhere that it’s warm and not raining. This rain sucks. It’s supposed to rain/thunderstorm again this afternoon. Oh so here’s a good example of how crazy neurotic I am. Last night I thought to myself that I hoped it did thunderstorm this evening because Kate’s supposed to have softball practice and I wanted it to be cancelled because I really want to have time to make carne asada for dinner tonight. But then I thought that I shouldn’t hope that practice is cancelled, because her team has only practiced twice and games will be starting soon and she’s in a coach pitch league this year and she really needs to learn how to, you know, hit and field the ball before an actual game. So then I thought that I really didn’t know which option I should hope for, when it hit me – it’s going to thunderstorm or not thunderstorm regardless of what I’m rooting for in my head. Practice is going to be cancelled or it’s not. That is something I can mark off my list of things to worry about because believe it or not I have no control over the weather.

Ugh.

All this crazy talk is reminding me of when I was at the drug store waiting on prescription last week and overheard someone trying to pin down the pharmacist on which diet pill worked best. He was trying to convey to her in a tactful manner that a) they are all the same and b) unfortunately for all of us none of them work. She wasn’t picking up what he was laying down, however, and proceeded with her line of questioning.

“What if I want to drink some alcohol while I’m taking these. Is that ok?”

It was at this point that I picked up my phone to start tweeting what I was witnessing.

“I have anxiety,” she said. “What if I take these and then I need to take some Xanax, will that mess me up?”

I was cracking up.

But really, people who live in crazy houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Because today? Please pass the alcohol AND the Xanax.

And also the diet pills.