Becoming a mom was always something I wanted, but nothing I could have adequately prepared for. My best preparation for HAVING a child was BEING a child who was loved by two parents who were there for me always. So I am very lucky in that regard. But otherwise? Despite lots of babysitting, I had no idea what the heck I was in for. Contrary to my beliefs, knowing how to change a diaper was NOT enough! So after 10 years of parenting and a whole lot of thought, here are 5 things I wish I’d known before having kids.
1) You will become a servant.
Surprise! Children and babies are helpless balls of need for the first few years. You will do EVERYTHING for them and will occasionally get rewarded by being pooped or barfed on (and ok, after a couple months, with smiles and coos.) So get out your sexy maid’s costume, I mean, your sweatpants and old tee, and prepare to be at this kid’s beck and call Downton Abbey-style.
2) Your memory will cease to function.
I don’t know about you dudes, but having kids gave me adult ADD and permanent MOMNESIA. By the time I get from the living room to the kitchen, I have no idea why I’ve gone there. Before the kids talk well enough to remind you, this can be a real problem.
3) You will become a human jungle gym.
Really, I would’ve pumped more iron if I knew I was going to be an indoor climbing center.
4) You will be obsessed with bowel movements.
I cannot WAIT until the day when I only have ONE SET of bowels to worry about. Sadly, that is my new definition of PARADISE.
5) You will become a stealth ninja.
Anything to eat a Hershey bar without sharing and take a pee without being touched. ANYTHING. Again, had I known this, I would have honed this skills YEARS in advance.
Of course, I did know ONE thing before having kids: that I’d never regret it. And in that, my friends, I was right on the money!
What do you wish YOU would’ve known before plunging into parenthood?