Ready or Not. And I am the LATTER.

3kids

Spring in Ohio behaved remarkably like winter in Ohio through most of April. I was not a fan. But dropping the temperature every-other-day or sending cold fall-like rain (thereby really messing with Jonah’s “I get to play outside/it’s too cold to play outside” emotions) weren’t the only tricks Mother Nature had up her sleeve. By delaying the seasons, she tricked me into thinking time had also been delayed.

But the calendar marched on while my brain stayed back in March.

Therefore I now find myself with 80-degree temperatures and in a BLIND PANIC because SCHOOL IS ALMOST OVER and I’m completely unprepared.

I’m the mom who likes it better when her kids are in school. Judge me all you want. This is how I’m wired. I handle the pressures of life better when there is only one kid in my face from 7:30-3:30 on the weekdays. But the party is almost over! Sophie has only 7 school days left and Joshua has 11. (Why do kindergartners get out a week early? RIP OFF!) School ends May 31st – not even in June! And the last week is the week of Memorial Day and Joshua will only go 4 days that week. RIP OFF again!

Here I am, not ready for summer. Although I have had the whole school year to prepare. I don’t know what pool we’re joining, have planned zero activities, don’t have a schedule set up (I’ve got to get Joshua and Sophie on some sort of a schedule because too much free time = bickering with those two, or asking for food ALL DAY LONG.)

And I am afraid of the jelly-filled mess that my brain becomes when there are three kiddos under my feet all day. I haven’t worked from home through a summer yet, so there’s getting my job done to consider as well.

EEPERS!

Hold me, people. Summer’s coming, ready or not!

What are you doing to keep your school-agers busy this summer? I need some ideas so that we can all enjoy each other! (Don’t say “day camp”. I can’t afford it!)

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She’s a MAN, baby!

Happy day-after-Mother’s Day! Has reality set in at your house, too? If you’re like me, you did absolutely zero housework yesterday because it was Mother’s Day. Which means today, your house may look like this:


messy house Just a big frightening mess with a vase of roses on the table. Everybody together now…SIGH.

But anyway. Despite the morning-after blues, my Mother’s Day was pretty great. We got a new bed/mattress which I am hoping will solve my back problems (ohpleaseohpleaseohplease) and Joshua made me a candy dish which I love – my first kid-made pottery!

Throw a couple handfuls of Starburst in there and this is the gift of my dreams

Throw a couple handfuls of Starburst in there and this is the gift of my dreams

Sophie made me some cards and pictures at school. This was my favorite.

sophie mom day

Note to self: Sophie’s love can be bought with baked goods.

(Although it makes me sad that she thinks my favorite thing is to work on my computer. But oh well. The kids never really see me doing anything fun by myself.)

And on Sunday morning, while I slept until a blissful 8:30, the big kids made me additional cards. With one thing in common.

joshua mom day

Joshua really phoned this one in. He can do much better!

sophie mom day 2

Good effort Sophie! Although it appears I am not wearing clothes and Bobby is wearing a burlap sack.

So what did a vain person like me immediately notice about these darling portraits my children drew? Let’s take a closer look!

beard

My children think I am an Amish male.

Hmm…I don’t know…how about the fact THAT I HAVE A FULL BEARD in both pictures?

When confronted, both children exclaimed defensively that the beard in question was my long hair going down my back behind my head.

Mm-hmm.

Something must be done.  I am the most manly figure in both of my kids’ family portraits! I need to either get a hair cut or a shave. What’s your pick?

 

P.S. Jonah is my favorite child because he can’t draw a picture of me yet.

 

 

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The Fainting Couch

fainting couch 2

‘Twere I a lady of leisure, I’d buy me a fainting couch

Have you ever wanted a fainting couch in your living room? You know, so when you’re having one of those days when things are so desperate that you’re making pancakes for dinner, and when you walk into the dining room to serve said desperation food, your toddler has gotten hold of your coupon inserts and strewn them all over the living area of your entire first floor? Not that that’s ever happened to me (last night) or anything…but sometimes, I have a day that calls for a fainting couch. But alas, I do not possess such frivolous furniture.

I found it amusing, then, that we had a fainting couch in our room at the Ritz-Carlton Laguna Niguel at the Mom 2.0 Summit. I mean, when my kids are a couple thousand miles away and someone’s cleaning up after me every day? I don’t need a fainting couch. But there was indeed, a very lovely one in our room, positioned at the end of Emily’s bed.

And it’s a darn good thing. Because Friday night, Emily had occasion to NEED it. “Why?” you ask? I’m not quite sure. How about I tell you the story, and then you tell ME why.  Here goes:

Friday night we went to a rockin’ party given by the CVS ExtraCare people. Say what? A CVS party!?!!? You know that’s like my dream come true! We had an awesome time and met some great people. And we got our picture taken, a lot.

Oh em gee! CVS red carpet!

Oh em gee! CVS red carpet!

With our lovely and tall friend Rachel, backngroovemom.com

With our lovely and tall friend Rachel, backngroovemom.com

With the hilarious Jenny from the Blog, SuburbanJungle.com

With the hilarious Jenny from the Blog, SuburbanJungle.com

Me getting interviewed about  how I big puffy heart CVS and their ExtraCare Bucks

Me getting interviewed about how I big puffy heart CVS and their ExtraCare Bucks

EmGlennia

Em and Glennia Campbell, who grew up in Emily’s teeny tiny hometown – yet they met in California!

I love this pic of us taken by Glennia herself!

I love this pic of us taken by Glennia herself!

See? LOTS of pictures!
The party was great. But we were hungry, and I’d been surviving on gluten-free slim pickins for a couple of days, so Em and I went out to dinner…by ourselves…because MAYBE we’re not as popular as we think we are. But us being us, we had a great time. AND steak. And Emily had a blueberry martini, which MAY have contributed to the next part of this story. The part that involves the fainting couch.

After a delicious dinner, Emily and I headed back to our room at the Ritz. I’m not really sure what time it was…probably before 10 p.m. We entered our room which was quite dark, even after turning on a light. That’s my one complaint about our otherwise wonderful room, I felt like it wasn’t very well-lit (which makes it difficult to perfectly apply your makeup, which as we all know is very important to me) and I would just like to say for the record that I had pointed that out SEVERAL times already before this incident occurred!

Anyhoo, we turned on the light and found that the nice staffers at the Ritz had left us a little present. This present, in fact. (Picture stolen from everydaymama on Instagram, please don’t sue me!)

cookies

 

I took a look at this new addition to our room, leaned in really close SINCE IT WAS DARK, and said, “Is that…cookies?” Because honestly, I couldn’t tell!

And Emily Berry, well, she lost her fishing mind. She howled with laughter and immediately collapsed on the fainting couch, cracking up and repeating, “Is that…cookies?” and oh, CRYING she was laughing so hard.  Girlfriend was immobilized on the fainting couch. See?

Image at left has been auto-corrected, image at right is the original TO PROVE HOW DARK IT WAS IN THE ROOM!

Image at left has been auto-corrected, image at right is the original TO PROVE HOW DARK IT WAS IN THE ROOM!

I have no idea why Emily thought what I said was so funny, but seeing her weeping with laughter on the fainting couch cracked me up as well, and soon we were both crying so hard from laughing that our formerly immaculate eye makeup was down to our shoulders. All because of those three little words:

Is that…cookies?

It must’ve been that martini. Perhaps this re-enactment will help you be the judge.

 

Thank God that fainting couch was there! I hate to think of the damage that would have been done had Emily had to plunge all the way to the carpeted floor in her hysteria.

I have no idea what happened to the cookies. I can’t remember if Em ate one or not (I wasn’t about to due to the stupid gluten). Also, I didn’t find out til the next day that the starfish and sand dollar were white chocolate. DANGIT! I totally would’ve eaten those.

So you tell me, dear readers, what caused Emily to need the fainting couch? Any theories? I’d love to hear them!

_______________

Lead image Photo Credit: creepyed via Compfight cc

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