Bruce is a Nice Name

Well, guys, it’s D-Day. Really H-Day, but that doesn’t sound so catchy, now does it?

By the time you read this, Emily will begin her transition from a being woman to being a man with a uterus, ovaries, and fallopian tubes, to being one without those oft-crucial but now unnecessary and troublesome parts.

Yesterday I was at the OB-GYN for my yearly fun and to follow-up on that business with MY ovaries from last month (apparently the SuperCousins are keepin’ the doc’s kids in college this year) and so I said, “Hey ya know, Dr. P, Emily was in the OR when I had my last C-section so I think I should be allowed into the OR when you do her hysterectomy on Wednesday so I can live tweet it!”

She laughed really hard.

And then she said NO.

DANGIT! Can you believe that?? Dr. Buzzkill! She also told me I can’t make Emily laugh for 2 weeks, which is going to be difficult because

a) I am naturally hilarious and

b) I plan to be by her side literally 24/7 as she recovers. (Except for when I’m working, sleeping, taking care of my kids, showering, running carpool, at speech with Jonah, or at church.)

But I’ll try not to make her literally bust a gut.

Anyway, naturally last night we had one final text convo before the big change:

texts with Em

 

I won’t screen shot what Emily texted next because she will literally kill me as soon as she regains her strength. SO. Sorry!

Anyway, on the off chance Em does wake up a dude, instead of just a lady with no lady innards, I’ve been thinking about what name she should give her male persona. And since the famous Olympian-turned-reality-star-turned-chick has recently vacated the name “Bruce” – I think that’s definitely on the table!

I’ll keep you updated on Facebook on how Em is doing, especially if I get any videos of her getting wacky on painkillers.

But really…she appreciates your prayers as she gets operated on and recovers tomorrow. I’ll keep you posted!

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This is Why You ALWAYS Check Your Dates Out on Ancestry.com

Hey remember that time I told you that I am my own Grandpa? And Emily is her own Grandma? And we are related to each other twice because we are so inbred that if we ever got into a fight we’d have to disown each other like 12 times to make it official? ‘Member, ‘member? In case you’ve forgotten, here’s the diagram!

Well, recently, things in our family tree got a whole! lot! more! confusing! And of course, fun…

{cue banjo music}

You see, a few weeks ago, my mom and dad took my cousin Amy and her husband Tom on a trip to their place in Virginia. Amy is my first cousin on my dad’s side (i.e. not related to Emily) and she and Tom have been married about 6 years. Aren’t they cuuuuuute?

Amy and Tom

They had a great time on their trip. Tom is a grizzly mountain man like my dad so they enjoyed manly stuff like hunting and fishing and what-not. However, it wasn’t until the car ride home that the party really got started.

“Aunt Diane,” said Amy, “I can’t believe I’ve never thought of this before, but Tommy’s mom’s maiden name is Burns.”

My mom’s maiden name is Burns, as is Emily’s.

“Oh where is she from?” said my mom.

“Clay County, Kentucky.” said Amy.

Guess who else is from Clay County, Kentucky? My grandparents! My mom and Emily’s dad were born there. WITH THE LAST NAME BURNS.

“I’m sure we’re related!” said  my mom excitedly.

And within hours, she had discovered that we are related to my cousin’s husband.

I am my cousin’s cousin. I am also my cousin’s husband’s cousin.

{Turn up the banjo music.}

Emily is my cousin! And she’s also my cousin’s husband’s cousin!

Confused yet? Slightly grossed out? No worries! Tom and Amy are  not related {that we know of}.

But I am related to them BOTH. Rock on! Need a visual aid??
OKAY!

fam tree 3

Emily and I are 6th cousins to Tom. And I am first cousin to Amy. Tom got to meet his newfound cousins, Emily and her kids, and her dad (my Uncle Dan) at our extended family Mother’s Day picnic the  other day. ALL COUSINS! SO MANY COUSINS!

So my cousin has been married to my cousin for 6 years.

And I had no idea.

But let me stress again, they are not each other’s cousins. So it’s cool.

HOWEVAH, All my children’s dates will be thoroughly researched on Ancestry.com. JUST IN CASE.

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Things That Would Be Good For This Blog

Last night I was at my nephew Charles’ baseball game (he’s a senior and it’s the last one I’ll get to attend which makes this #FanAunt sad, nostalgic, and rather old-feeling) and it was getting pretty TENSE up in there – HELLO, extra innings?? I can’t handle the stress!!

SO naturally I texted Emily to tell her about it because THAT’S WHAT I DO IN STRESSFUL SITUATIONS! Lucky Emily, right? She responded in a way that was less about MY PROBLEMS and more about how said problems could be used for the betterment of this blog. Exhibit A:

EMily text 1

Naturally Emily’s solution to my PROBLEM of baseball game-related stress was that I should lose my shark and get arrested so she can post my bail – and my mug shot.

This made me think of another time when I texted her recently when I was having some pain in my ovarian areas and I decided to go get ‘em checked out because we take our ovaries pretty seriously around here. SO – turns out I have a cyst on my right ovary but it’s the kind that can just hang out there with no problem. But naturally when I texted Emily with this news, she had another solution:

EMily text 2

Because OMG wouldn’t it be awesome if we had hysterectomies on the SAME DAY by the SAME DOCTOR?? SO BLOGGABLE!!!!! Twin hysterectomies and twin MENOPAUSE!! Whee!!!Blog fodder for months!!

But, I don’t want to turn into a dude. So I’m gonna try to keep my lady parts for now…even though Emily doesn’t want me to.

But anyway…do you see why I always run to my cousin Emily with my woes, people? She always has my our best interests at heart.

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