It’s a Good Thing Drano is so Darn Effective

Earlier this week Emily regaled us with the tale of how she and her family survived her first day back at work after maternity leave. Little did I know that the next day I also would have a harrowing experience to survive. It did not involve the pain of separation from my child, however, but the pain of being with her at the grocery store. It nearly drove me to suicide. But I am getting ahead of myself.

It all started with my bathroom sink. The stupid thing has been threatening to clog for a couple of weeks now, and wouldn’t you know it finally gets up the nerve to go through with it about five hours after my husband goes out of town for work for the week. Soo, bright and early Tuesday morning, the kids and I got ready to go to CVS to score some Drano, among other things. (As a side note, let me set the scene a little more by saying that I recently got my hair cut and for some reason really felt the need to actually style it and wear it down this particular day. Which I had not done in weeks.) Because we certainly would not want to go somewhere else and PAY for our Drano. That would be nuts!! (And as you will see from this story, I am quite rational.) Sophie behaved fairly well at CVS, until checkout time, when, as usual, she decided to try to climb out of the cart. It doesn’t matter whether I have belted her in the front part, or let her sit in the big part, she always tries to climb out. Most of the seat belts in the carts I can’t seem to tighten enough to cut off the circulation in her legs, therefore they are no match for her will to get the hell out of that cart. So, I ended up having to hold her while I was forking over my coupons and ECBs which was very inconvenient.

We made it out of CVS and even though it was already 4,000 degrees at 10:30 a.m. and my lovely hairstyle was making me sweat like a pig, I decided to also go to Kroger while we were out, because we needed bread and fruit and I also wanted to get a couple of good sale items. Oh, and also because I am CRAZY and apparently like to TORTURE myself. I mean really, if I wasn’t so masochistic what would I blog about?

So we went to Kroger. To add to my psychotic behavior, I decided to get my groceries in two transactions so I could use the coupon I’d be getting back on the first order to help pay for my second order. The first transaction was Kool-aid and peanuts. (LOOK, I will explain that on Super Savings Saturday, I swear there is a method to my madness!) When I got to the checkout, Sophie was in the big part of the cart with Joshua and she had a Kool-Aid packet in each hand. I told the cashier that I had 12 Kool-Aid packets and asked her to scan a couple of the other ones twice so I didn’t have to take the packets out of Sophie’s hands and listen to her scream indignantly while I checked out. She obliged and I paid for my order.

Then, as I wheeled my (very heavy with 60 lbs. of kid in it) cart away, I noticed Sophie’s Kool-Aid packets were not looking so hot. I pulled the cart over to discover she had CHEWED through one and was now a very RED little girl. She didn’t get as much on her face as on her hands and ALL over her dress. So I wrestled the packets away and cleaned her up as best I could with a wipe in the steaming hot parking lot. Then I pushed my very heavy cart back into the store. My cute little hairdo was by this time, not cute at all and just making me sweat more.

Sophie gets caught red-handed

Back in Kroger, Sophie was extremely indignant that I was daring to do another transaction. The first thing I picked up was a bunch of bananas, then I got bread. As I made my way down the cereal aisle selecting the right kinds of cereal to go with the coupons I had, Sophie began chewing on the bananas. THROUGH THE BAG. By the time I realized what she was doing, she had bitten off the end of one and there was banana all over the inside of the bag. She threw a nice little fuss when I took the bananas away, then went right for the bread. There was nowhere in the cart I could hide the bread from her, so I just carried the bread. She wasn’t very happy about that either! The lines were really long, and of course as soon as we got in one she started trying to climb out of the cart. Sooo, I wrestled her into the seat part and cinched the belt as tight as I could get it. Fortunately, this belt had enough life left in it and I was able to get it tight enough to keep her seated. Unfortunately, it is considered inhumane to muzzle your child, so I and everyone within a 5-lane radius got to hear her scream while I checked out. After getting my sweet deals, my demon, my angel (Joshua – I haven’t mentioned him because he was so good!) and I once again headed to the parking lot, where, after getting the kids and groceries into the car, I collapsed into a pile of sweaty, puffy-haired frustration.

When we got home, I relayed the events of our trip to Emily over IM. (Thank GOD she went back to work and got back on Instant Messenger!! ABOUT TIME!) Then I realized that in my frazzled state I hadn’t yet poured the Drano down the bathroom sink. “I’m going to go put the Drano in the sink,” I IMed her, “and if it doesn’t work, I think I’ll just drink the rest of the bottle!”

Lucky for you, the Drano worked, and I’m still alive. ‘Cause seriously, if I kicked it and Emily had to maintain this blog all by herself? That would be the real tragedy in all of this!

(P.S. if you made it through all that, do me a favor and check out my latest review at Reviewin’ It Up!)